Some Thoughts

6-19-26

Dear God,

I was told I would get a callback on Friday, so today I would know if I got the job or not. Right now, I'm kind of okay. I didn't get the job. How the interview went down didn't honor my time. The lady didn't even know she had an interview, and was going to lunch, and the other manager did the interview. They said their side didn't have any jobs available, but he'll check with the others.  Today is kind of hard because I need a prior authorization for a medicine I want. I was told to go on a Mediterranean diet so today I'm going to research some foods I would like to eat that are healthier.  Today is Juneteenth, doctor's offices aren't open. I was working with Tomo AI last night on getting a map to show up of where I walked. We worked on it for two days. I decided to use Strava with it instead. I walked for 15 minutes yesterday I was so proud, given the eye and breathing predicament, and ohhh I stood the whole time we worshipped for Nita's graduation I was excited to get some of my life back. God you have plans for me and they might not be comfortable, but it's to prosper me. I am so lucky to have a home over my head and people to call family. I cried yesterday when I heard that one of the people at freedom was unhoused I was so sad for her. 

6-14-26

Dear God,

I have my outfit for the Lowe's interview picked out. The amount of nervousness I feel is insane. I'm really scared, I won't get the job. God hold my hand through every step. I don't like Summer it's too hot. I don't feel comfortable staying in the heat, and I left my sunscreen in Nita's car. I'm so sad about that and my green fan and my water bottle. I woke up around 1:30 and I managed to get everything done. I'm sitting with the ac blasting in my room and we were going somewhere with Kristen tonight. I thought Elise was coming but she sounded like she didn't even know it was happening.  God help me with tonight, I'm a bit annoyed already. I need another factor to ease the tension. 

6-11-26 Update

Dear Journal,

I just got off with my Ticket to Ride specialist. I have been working with her consistently 3 times this week. We are working on interview questions, and we picked out an outfit that I liked from K's closet. I'm a little bit scared because last night I threw up my entire stomach last night because I got on this new pill. I was sipping water, and I went to the bathroom a second time to throw up. I didn't feel good. I will be talking to my psychiatrist today to figure out what's next. Honestly, the options look pretty bleak to me, and I am a bit nervous. I will be printing out my resume myself. I'm actually kind of excited to figure out my printer again, even if it wasn't the first thing that was supposed to happen. God pave my steps, please, walk with me down these valleys and creeks. I am a bit scared and nervous about going to a water park for the first time. I'm excited about figuring out the printer again. Maybe I'll need my pink computer!

6-10-26 News

Dear online journal, and forever and always to God, 

God, thank you for being my best friend, and I love praying to you every day. I might be back to being a working gal; I have an interview on Monday at Lowe's. It feels like a backwards slide and I feel nervous for the interview, and what if I don't get the job? I'm so nervous. Plus, my eyes are figuring something out. Haha, what does that mean? I can see with two eyes the past two days. God, you have plans to prosper me and plans to get me into being the best Christian I can be. So, reading the bible more, praying myself for meals, and talking to more friends about the bible. God, I don't know what miracle you are trying to pull with me, but it's working. Thank you for loving me so. Okay, back to my life. I was recently told that Kristen and Elise want to adopt me into the family. I took a pause because I didn't want to do a name change since I could only change it once. We also discussed the adoption route, and I felt so good about that. It will be a longer road and probably more money, but that's all I want. I would be denouncing my inheritance with my parents. But I want to be adopted so much. So we are going to do that, the Thomas' want a party, and I'm there for it, I'm just scared it'll be too many people. I get overwhelmed if it's a lot of people. God, I feel like I have everything I could ever want I know I want a boyfriend, but it's so nice to live day by day knowing all the things I have are from you. Even when I only see with one eye, I'm still worth being loved. God, you really have given me so much support with Tamerisk. I have gained so many people to help me. Yes, life is hard, but I have so much support and so much love. I hope my Tuesdays from 9-4 and Thursdays from 6:30 to 8 will be able to be free so I can keep going to Tamerisk. 

4-28-26 

Dear God, 

There are a lot of days when I don't find meaning in my day. I cry a bit today. I got on the phone with Brenda and she said it sounds like you were crying and she was right. I did dishes at 6 :30, used my ninja cooker to make a bunch of sweet potatoes. I used to cook with the Ninja cooker all the time but because it's on the top of the fridge I have had a hard time accessing it. I wished I could access better it feels too  hard to get it since it's so heavy. My mom is all hitting in the next few days. I have started not grocery shopping until I get the money so I'm eating food I usually don't eat. EBT hits on the 5th. SSDI hits the 1st, and pay hits tomorrow. I wish I could let myself enjoy my money. I wish I could say all the savings you are putting away this month. Just use it. It's all yours. You can do whatever you want with it. I don't feel secure I"m scared any minute I could get kicked out and will need a nest egg. But you when I didn't have any money you got me through it. I keep comparing myself to Cindy and Kevin I don't have a lot of money but you know what I do have? A lot of love. People that truly care about me that isn't my family. People to love on me. And that God is invaluable. 

3-27-26 Writing

Dear Lennda,
Today I found out all my writing for my book is gone. I'm really sad, but I'm also excited to start something new with it again. All 56 chapters that I had written, now I can't even open it to copy and paste it. I took off my God ring a few days ago; it was making my finger peel. Kayla said I might be allergic to it. I take this as a sign from God. It's all you, God. My aunt called me wanting me to go home to mom to take care of it shockingly she sent me 300 dollars to help me with Ubers to go see mom. I feel guilty about the money but it means if Kristen takes me, I don't have to call an Uber, which saves me 60 so I can take that money and take Kristen out to eat. God, please help me worry less about money. My mom and I had a conversation she was trying to find out if wanted to come when I already said I was coming. This feels like a test. I'm upset why I need to say I want to come it just sounds like she doesn't want me to come. God I want to scream. I'm so frustrated. You told me to go eat and I'll feel better. 

3-25-26 Future

Dear Future Lennda,

I usually write an email to understand how far I have come along so here it goes. Turns out I'm allergic or something, I had to take off my God ring because my skin was peeling I took that as a sign that God has more in store for me. I'm back taking the Trihexyphenidyl. I'm happy and grateful because I can see that my breathing has gone down a lot. I met this girl, Mayia, at HV, and I was so excited to meet her because she is actually legally blind, and we talked about SSI. She is a singer. I was really jealous at first because I wanted to know what my thing is from God, but I have no idea, so I'm jealous that she has that. Hi future Lennda, I am so proud of this stage. I have worked so hard to get here to have a steady mind, to have people that love me, to have inner peace instead of freaking out all the time. One of those is my weight. I looked at myself in the mirror and even took a few photos, and I realized I look really good with some skin. And even though I don't have a lot of money on me to buy new clothes for my new weight, I'm slowly starting to realize I am so beautiful. And Future Lennda I want you to realize your weight is beautiful and I am beautiful. I do still want to work out so I don't gain anymore. I want to be consistent with working out. Also I can supply myself with some money to buy some clothes so I can feel pretty in my body,  I also want to work up endurance in walking with my eyes so I can walk more and stop feeling sorry for myself because if Maiya can do it, I can do it even better. 

3-23-26 Day 2

Dear diary,

Today I got up at 11, not proud of it. Kristen and I went to some stores for errands, and then we got back, and I started my list of tasks to do. I have Showered checked the mailbox, and cleaned the toilet. This is my journal entry today. God, thank you for everything, thank you for the World Market impromptu Easter egg hunt, where Kristen found two eggs, so we got 20-dollar gift cards each. Kristen is making us a lemon drop drink tonight, and we are going to eat and hang out. God, Kristen has been such a blessing, especially since I got dogs, so I get to snuggle with them all day long. Kristen told me about the housing meeting that happened this morning, it went great, apparently. This will happen sooner than we thought. I am so excited and so happy to see what's next. I also really want a boyfriend, but maybe an away boyfriend, because my life feels legit right now. I want to build on what I have. I'm so excited to see what's next you have in store for me, God. 

3-22-26 Lennda Intervention

Dear diary,

Today we went to Church, I met a girl named Erin, and we talked, and she prayed for me. Nita and I went to eat out with the OpenTable girlies. I just got home. I feel so happy and giddy I was sad to come home to an empty house. Last night, Conner came over for dinner, and we noticed I wasn't doing well, so we made a chart to help me not sleep all day. We made several list to earn points in a day. We talked for about an hour about things I would do. I'm optimistic about the list even though it scares me.  I need to get out of my lazy daze in order to get everything done in a day. I don't like that but I think it'll make me feel purposeful. I have loved sleeping in, and now I get a point if I don't sleep in. The points are towards going to New York. I'm listening to Spanish to learn how to translate it, which I love to do. My eyes are messing up really badly, so tomorrow I will call my neurologist to get my medication sorted, so I'm not freaking out about my breathing or my meds. I'm really scared it hasn't been this bad for a while now.  I had gotten off of Trihexyphenidyl, and my eyes are reacting really badly because of it. 

3-20-26 Figuring out what's next

Hi diary,

I have been trying to get ABA back, but the doctor won't sign, so I can't. They talked to my psychiatrist, but they wanted a new psychological eval before I can go back to ABA. I have been praying for the next steps because I feel like ABA is not for me anymore. I don't know what's next. This meeting will help me figure out if I want to keep going with ABA or try something else. God, I pray that you give me the next steps to figure out how to occupy my time so I'm not sleeping or staying home all the time. God, now that I have disability, I can breathe about income, and I love that I can attend enriching programs. Hopefully, we can figure out what makes me feel good to do. 

3/16/2026 Finding me and who I want to be

Hi diary,

Today I sit here at the kitchen table thinking about everything that has occurred. I have finally gotten disability and am finally starting to feel safe again. ABA is on a pause because they need a doctor signature. I'm working on figuring out what's next in financial planning. Trying to figure out if I want to post to TikTok again, but this time a non-cringe version of something that I'm proud of. I'm volunteering and doing Hope and Vine. The money coming in helps me feel more sure that what I'm doing is correct for me. I have a bit more free time since I don't go to ABA right now, and I'm loving it because I'm feeling every gap up with something today. Today I made savory glutinous rice balls, and yes, they were as yummy as I imagined they would be. I'm learning who I am and what I like and I"m getting back  to cooking. I'm loving it. There was one week I made large chewy boba, and I loved it! it was my thing for a week! Now I need more tapioca starch. I need to let go and trust God more. I'm thinking I need to tithe but I'm so scared. God told me it doesn't have to be a right-away decision, but something I do when everything is right, and to get my heart right. I want to start loving myself more, so as every day goes by I'm learning to let God move my day, and I'm learning who I want to be and how I want it to show in my life. I have implemented a few things into my  life to love on myelf like lotioning, I was never taught that. Only one sugary drink a day, doing exercise every day. and getting up and taking a moment to journal to God in the morning. These steps have made a life worth living. 

2/26/26 Finding purpose

Hi, today I sit here listening to  "The Things We Leave Unfinished," by Rebecca Yarros.  I have just finished my volunteer shift early. I took a ride back with Uber because it was raining, and hoping to start watching Bridgerton. The next 4 episodes of Season 4 have come out, and man oh man, am I excited. Growing up I loved the princess stories even though they were messed up. I used to go to the library and get all the princess books; heck, I even looked at Cleopatra. When I first learned about Eypts, I read every picture book on it. I want to get that excitement back. That's what this is. I'm writing something just for me, something to remind me to keep going. Something to keep me tethered on the bad days. Today/s obsessions are Thai tea, vanilla ice cream, and the audiobook, Modern Family, and Bridgerton.  I think I have always looked up to female characters, something to grasp onto, and think this could be me. 

2/22/26 Beautiful Sunset

Hi Internet Journal! Today I had a lot of fun with Genna hanging out. We went to an Indian restaurant, and the food blew our minds. It was so good, and I got to try Resmalai for the first time! It's the first indian dessert I tried that I like so much! We also went rollerskating, which was so much fun. At first, I was scared of falling. The reason this scares me is that after the fall, I got blepharospasm. The thing is, I can continuously live life scared of illness. And I don't want that, I want to dip my toes back with safety. I talked for two hours with my best friend, and I had so much fun catching up with her. I also ate half a box of chocolate strawberries I made. I have guilt when I don't eat well, but lately I haven't felt too hungry. I need to exercise, but I can't move past the part where the brain says I don't need to work out.  I do want to state that today was a beautiful orange and light blue sunset, which was super pretty, and to brag, there was a very dim rainbow!

2/21/26 Here I go

Here I go again, I'm back and better!  I come back to my thoughts blog with some updates. It's 2026, three years since my last thoughts. I still have blepharospasm. Actually, in 2024, I applied with a lot of help from so many people for disability. Apparently, I stumbled into getting the best disability lawyer and now! I got disability! Some things aren't final yet, but what a huge relief! In 2024, I did one more thing that has been carrying me. I joined Tamerisk! One of my now friends drove about 45 minutes to pick me up to go to my first Tamerisk event, and I was hooked and came to events as often as I could! I have so many more updates! I'll be back to tell more! Bye for now! And OH hi Shoya!

2/3/23 Toxic or Not

1/31/23 Why I'm blogging again.