Guide to Controlling Your Tongue

“Oh my goodness, I shouldn’t have said that!”

Ever had this regret when it came to controlling your tongue? Maybe you said something in the heat of the moment. Perhaps you told a joke that actually stung. In some way or form, your mouth just moved quicker than your mind.

Don’t worry my friend, because you are not alone. Most of us struggle to control our tongues, even though we  know our words will produce either life or death (Proverbs 18:21). Even with this knowledge, we can fall short when trying to live it out.

It’s true that controlling our tongue is difficult and isn’t something our flesh naturally wants to do. But, I’ve brought a solution if you’re wishing to be a woman who speaks life, kindness, and the word of God to those around you. Here is a biblically-based guide on controlling your tongue as a Christian woman of faith and love. 

Let’s start with the book of James that humbly reminds us about our tongues:

“So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!  And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers these things ought not to be so.” (James 3:5-10, emphasis added)

“What?! You mean to tell me the tongue can not be tamed?” I can almost hear you pondering this! Because if that’s the case, then it seems we are just doomed to use our words in the worst way possible.

However, before you get discouraged thinking it’s hopeless, think again. This verse is describing how little the tongue may be in size in relation to how powerful it actually is. And that on its own, it is not able to be tamed. The tongue contradicts, fabricates, demeans, and creates a trajectory formed by sin. It is a restless evil, going against ourselves and others. 

So it’s the tongues fault right? Well…no.

What if I told you the problem isn’t just your tongue? That it’s not just about watching what you say and just not saying it—because the tongue is just the last piece of the puzzle. When we speak, it comes from what we think in our minds and what we feel in our hearts.

Your words are just a culmination of what you meditate on and feel in your soul. The thoughts that go unchecked, the emotions that run wild, the envy, the doubt, the anger, and all of the ugly. Your tongue just produces what it’s been fed. If it’s fed sin, it will speak sin. If it’s fed godliness, it will speak godliness.

So then, what do we do?

1. Renew Your Mind

If you spend your time thinking about anger, envy, deceit, hopelessness, pride, or bitterness, then your words will not taste like honey (Proverbs 16:24), but instead they will be sour.

To help, remember these verses:

“Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

We must take our thoughts and uphold them to scripture, and if they do not match we must do away with them. Ask God to help you clear your mind and meditate on His word and goodness. Our speech starts in the mind, so let’s make our thought-life resemble the fruits of the spirit in Galatians 5:22, which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

2. Guard Your Heart

If you spend your time spiraling into feeling empty, bitter, frustrated, anxious, pitiful, or prideful, then your words will glorify temporary emotions that have no depth instead of the Father.

Hold verses like these close to you:

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

Our hearts are naturally inclined to evil. By guarding it from temptation, we can remain pure in heart. Out of that purity, we shall both see and speak the things of God as stated in Matthew 5:8. And, if we passionately believe His truth, we will speak that also.

3. Pause and Listen Well

Finally, if you have set your mind on heavenly things, as Colossians 3:2  instructs, and you’ve guarded your heart, but still find yourself slipping up; remember this verse:

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19)

Practice slowing down and pausing more. By listening, evaluating, and truly thinking before you speak, your words can have so much life giving power—for yourself and others. Often, in the stillness and waiting with the Lord when we aren’t rushed, is when the Spirit can come with wisdom. 

We Talked the Talk, Let’s Walk the Walk

The call is to renew your mind, guard your heart, and listen well. As always, we want everything we do to be for the glory of God. That’s not possible if we gossip, slander, and ridicule. With a tongue that can not be tamed on its own, we must get to the root, so that our tongue is more likely to be used by the Holy Spirit than our own flesh.

As you have read this guide, I pray that your words will be used to build up, encourage, strengthen, and show love. May we all find grace to put into practice the things that will help us control our tongues and be a blessing to others.