Arospec Experiences
Arospec Experiences
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- I think I was searching up things for research and then I came across it.
- While researching asexuality and learning about the SAM3.
- I found asexuality first. I learned about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction and searched up the word “aromantic” to see if the word existed.
- I first learned about the aromantic spectrum around seventh grade, when somebody mentioned being asexual and I didn’t know the difference. I don’t remember exactly when I first knew that someone could not experience romantic attraction, but I know it was fairly early (I gathered a pretty big queer community in fifth/sixth grade and started watching a LOT of YouTube as I began questioning my identity).
- I only knew of demisexual before finding out about demiromantic, aromanticism is still something new to me but about a year or two or so
- I was questioning whether I was bi or omni a bit, but also wondered if I was ace because I didn’t know how I felt about all that but was unsure because I’ve had like 2 crushes. Ended up think I’m demisexual or ace and possibly bi or omni, which led me to finding more about aromanticism.
- I believed I was bi for about an hour, then realized I didn’t care about what gender people were, so I thought I was pan in 9th grade. I didn’t even know asexuality or aromanticism existed until the end of 9th grade when I heard the word “asexual” and decided to do research.
- Well, I believed I was hetero because back in middle school I had various crushes on boys yet was always too shy to talk to them but then again, I only liked them for their physical appearance, I didn’t like them to the point I wanted to date them, but I wanted to befriend them. Oh yes-I like to also identify as a demigirl now (going by she/they)-I know this is more about sexual orientation than a gender thing, but I thought I’d throw that in there.
- Yeah, I went through a ton of identities before realizing I was arospec. First I was sure I was pan (probably mostly because I felt the same ‘neutral’ emotion towards most strangers and theoretical dream girls or guys and had tricked myself into having “crushes” on plenty of people over the years), and then realized I was a lesbian but thought I was allo. I knew I was attracted to girls, but I still was making up attraction (just like his time to the right gender) in order to “fit in” and even to feel more valid in my identity as a lesbian. It wasn’t until very recently that I realized I was demi.
- My sexuality has changed a lot, I did think I was demisexual for a very short while and in the past I thought I was asexual (middle school) just because I didn't understand things or understand myself.
- I’ve had like two crushes and a bunch of crushes on fictional characters, but they happen infrequently, and I find it difficult to differentiate different kinds of attraction. I also had a lot of self-doubt that I was just making it up for attention because I thought I was that one cishet person around. (of course, now I know I’m a maybe bi arospec demisexual genderfluid demigirl, which is a mouthful)
- I had crushes in the past. I also still do find attraction in physical appearances-just not so much now. And my family kept pushing onto me this thing that it’s somehow an obligation that I must find someone that will be “the one” for me (not now of course, I’ve got to focus on school but like in the future).
- I thought I wasn’t old enough to know yet since I had never had a crush before. I also thought that I should just try to date and see if I feel anything because I thought that people just dated in high school to gain experience in relationships, I didn’t realize that actual feelings were involved. I also thought that I just wanted to be “special” and “original”.
- Most of my doubts came from the fear that I wasn’t “arospec enough”. This is partially because I do experience romantic attraction (although only incredibly rarely after having been deeply close friends with somebody for ~3 years), but also because I am very interested in romance conceptually. It’s often my favorite things to analyze in fiction, I like writing about it, I used to be obsessed with finding my “perfect person”, etc. I’d made up enough spur of the moment “crushes” that I thought I must have been faking. Ultimately, though, I knew my experience, found labels that fit me, and stuck with them!
- Whether it was normal or whether I was just not with the right people or misunderstanding romantism or my feelings.
- I feel I cannot handle relationships. Romance is very complicated and hearing the bad sides I hear from my dad and other people kind of discouraged me. Also just thinking about committing to maintain a relationship sounds stressful and I don’t want to risk a breakup of any kind.
- I had never had any crushes, and the ones I thought I had, I only wanted to be friends with them. One night after a long night of questioning, something inside of me clicked. I said screw it, I don't care if I'm aro or not, I can figure it out as I go. and accepted that I was aro.
- Just listening to other's experiences. The main deciding factor was relating so much to our first discussion for this club.
- My friends actually helped! I’d thought what I was experiencing was normal (genuinely assumed that people just picked randomly who they thought were attractive/dated whoever asked them as long as they didn’t have an Active issue with them because I didn’t understand what could be attractive about someone you had just met), but when I offhandedly mentioned that to a couple of my friends they effectively said “,,,no that’s a thing, you can want to be in a relationship with someone you don’t know very well” and I went “Hm” and started researching. I’d been questioning whether or not I was aspec for a while, and so that jumpstarted my search (plus the fact that I was already pretty well-versed in terms). I eventually settled on demiaroace!
- I've dated enough and crushed enough to realize that while I don't feel romantic feelings, I do enjoy treating my partner and acting like in a stereotypical Hollywood movie. I did realize that I could be sexually attracted and didn't mind it so that ruled out a lot.
- I came out to my friends first during June 2020 because we were talking about Pride Month, just casually slipped in that I was aro and ace and they accepted me! I came out to my mom next and that was unplanned. She just kept groaning about how I "wasn't going to be able to attract a boyfriend this year" and I thought coming out would make her stop talking about this "getting a boyfriend" thing. It didn't. I've been coming out to a few select friends and family members that I think I can trust, and they've all been very supportive.
- I sort of just told my parents and one sibling I was going to this club. And it helped to draw pride flags on my face.
- I’m out to most of my friends, mostly because I know all of them are incredibly cool (my girlfriend is also demiromantic, so I wasn’t worried about telling them haha) and because some of them had been there when I came to the conclusion. I trusted my friends and wanted to talk about my experience, so I let them all know early.
- Didn't come out well or beyond a mentioning of it, I think my parents don't even remember it. They probably wouldn't understand it either. To friends I just explain what it is though I keep it simplified despite I think it requiring more time to be taken about, it's just too time consuming.
- I am unsure how my grandparents would react, specifically my very homophobic transphobic grandfather who has said nothing arophobic, mostly because I don’t think he recognizes it as a thing. And as for my friends, I am too anxious to bring it up conversation, thought I tell them if they ask.
- I don’t think people will take me seriously-such as my family. I kind of did come out to my aunt once but there was only complication to me “still being young” and I felt kind of stupid.
- Closeted to almost everyone else except my close friends and some select family members because I’m not sure how they’ll react. Also, I don’t want to give them a whole vocabulary lesson when I come out.
- I haven’t told my parents, mostly because explaining all that to them sounds like a logistical NIGHTMARE. I’ve implied it to my mom, and I know she’d be cool, but I can’t guarantee my dad or the rest of my family would get it, so I’d rather avoid the hassle for now. It’s just a lot of explaining and justifying for something that I know I am, and it doesn’t feel worth it.
- Yes? I’ve never been in love before really. There was only one boy in my middle school I wrote a love letter to once, but I really didn’t know anything about him-so that is why I don’t consider “being in love” if it’s just on looks. And I was too shy to confront them and anyone else, which is why I prefer to be alone. Even being in social groups just make me overthink and while yes, I’ll have fun, it just creates this pressure that I put on myself to constantly entertain others and keep the energy-and I think I have to keep that up too in relationship.
- It has allowed me to really examine my sexuality and gender more closely because if everyone told me I would want to marry and have kids and I don’t, then why do I have a set gender or be the perfect cishet the world wanted of me.
- Yes, it has made me see that if everyone is into everyone is into something and I’m not, it doesn’t make me weird, I just haven’t found people that I relate to yet.
- Honestly, it’s made me feel a lot more confident! I don’t have to feel pressure to “make up” primary attraction anymore, I’m not worried about ending up alone because I now have a better understanding of what to look for in attraction, and it’s nice to have a community to look to for common ground on experiences! It’s not all perfect, and I still experience doubt/self loathing/etc, but it’s definitely a step up.
- It pushed and helped me connect to my body, however it's made me more careful on my crushes and interests
- Aside from the daily casual arophobia in this amatonormative society, yes, slight arophobia from my mom. She keeps telling me to “keep my options open” and “sexuality is fluid, it’ll change when you’re older!”. I don’t like her comments and I’ve talked to her about it, but she is still telling me those things. I have just let it roll off my back and keep making excuses for her comments because I’m tired of lecturing her.
- A few relatives have made comments about when I get a boyfriend or asking if I have a crush or when I said I didn’t want to marry that I am entitled to my opinion (like that’s not really an opinion), and my parents and family are still a bit like maybe you will find someone someday after I made a remark about being aro or ace. Usually though, the people that know are supportive.
- While I haven’t experienced arophobia in real life, there’s a LOT of it online, especially when it comes to my identity as a demi person. It can be frustrating to be told over and over that your experience isn’t valid and that you’re making it up for attention (or even that you aren’t arospec enough to ‘count’), but unfortunately that comes up a lot when I search for supportive online spaces.
- Yes. The more I think about my past crushes, the more I realize that a QPR is what I've really wanted my whole life. I want to have a deep emotional connection with someone and be best friends with someone, and like we're dating, but not in a traditional sense. Like I would love to have a fancy dinner with candles or watch a movie and hold hands, or maybe cuddle at most or share a blanket or something without the kiss or romantic-ness that is supposed to be in the relationships. Basically, I want a deep relationship that is not about kissing and is about a bond and friendship and that stuff.
- Maybe I would consider getting into a QPR. But then again, I’m not good in relationships in general whether it’s either platonic or more.
- No, I want to live alone with my cat and a bunch of plants.
- Yeah! I think a QPR could be a really sweet supportive relationship to form with somebody, and I’d imagine feeling really happy and comfortable in one. It’d have to be a specific situation where that kind of relationship worked for both of us, but I’d be absolutely willing to try.
- Depends how much I love them, and Our communication. If there isn't good communication, then no bueno because that's just so important.
- Living in an apartment with my cat and a bunch of plants. If I end up in a house in a neighborhood that has kids, I’ll hand out full-size candy bars. I’ll also let my home be open to any friends or neighbors that need a place to stay for a while. I will cut my hair short and dye it, get a chest binder for those androgynous days, get piercings and tattoos, and wear clothes I love.
- I really don’t know. I personally don’t like thinking about my future, but I know I’ll have to.
- I want to live in an apartment with a nice kitchen so I can cook for myself. I want a low energy dog so I’m not alone, but I don’t want to marry or have kids. Maybe I will have a QPR, but what I really want is a happy life cooking and dancing with a small group of close friends.
- Me still figuring out myself and my relationships with others and my emotions. Also fretting climate change hahah.
- I mean, I definitely can’t say for sure, of course. Specifically relating to arospecness, I would like to end up in at least one relationship (I am polyamorous so maybe more?), but it’d have to be with somebody that I trusted to understand and respect the nuances of my identity and value my aromanticism as a part of who I am, rather than some kind of roadblock. Aside from that, go to college, pursue theatre and creative writing, hopefully be successful,,, kids are not NOT an option, but I’m honestly not sure where I stand. We’ll see!
- Aromanticism is being more interested in having friends than dating. It is looking at personality rather than the cheap, cheesy romance. It is loving your favorite characters in shows but just wanting to know them in real life, and nothing more. It's being more focused on other parts of your life rather than dating or finding love.
- Imagine someone you're not romantically interested in. That is how we feel about everyone.
- Aromanticism may mean you have little to no romantic attraction, but that doesn’t mean you’re heartless or cold. You’re still fully capable to love and be in relationships, just not as much as a romantic relationship. Even aros can still be in romantic relationships.
- I usually use actual definitions at first - and I’m fond of the primary/secondary attraction model for explaining demiromanticism in particular, as well as “I’m aroace until I’m suddenly violently Not for one specific person” - but if that doesn’t work, I’ve been using a painting metaphor lately that seems to be working? Basically, I describe the people around me (specifically for me, people I don’t know super well) as paintings. Not even paintings of people, like really nice sunset paintings or something, landscapes or whatever haha. Paintings can be GORGEOUS, and evoke really strong emotions because you want to look at them or talk about them or whatever, but… you wouldn’t want to go on a date with a painting, it’s not that kind of beautiful or interesting or thought-provoking. For me specifically, after a few years some people change from paintings into real people and Then I might possibly go about being attracted to them, but you can probably twist the metaphor around to suit different labels.
- You can still be romantic to one another but it means that as someone who is aromantic you won't be able to get much out of it emotionally and possibly sexually. It varies person to person and situation to situation. As I say, sexuality and all that in life is fluid.
- I don't have strong feelings for it. On the one hand it's super amatonormative and a stupid social construct, but on the other hand, it's just a day. I go to the bake sale or get candy because I love candy and have a guinea pig as my valentine because love doesn't have to be romantic to be love.
- It's nice for celebrating love, I just wish it wasn’t mainly about romantic love. I’m not crazy about it because I’m a romance-repulsed aromantic, but it’s nice to see other people that I know be happy about the love in their lives.
- I don’t think about it. I just create art of the fandoms I like on that day.
- I like Valentine’s Day! I think it places too much emphasis on romance (and commercializes/monetizes signs of affection in a way that I’m not crazy about), but I like spending time with people I care about and I’ve never thought of it as a “romance day”, so I don’t have much issue with it all on its own.
- Too many plastic flowers, I do wish it were more of an opportunity to talk about feelings, sexuality, romance, and just generally sex (ed) as well
1. Talking to my friends about their crushes and them asking me if I have seen someone cute. Seeing as I'm a freshman and very new to the school, the answer was a obvious no for me, but I guess that's when it occurred to me that people do get crushes so fast and maybe it was less of a "I haven't met the right people" problem and more of an "I'm not going to, or will rarely" thing.
2. When someone said that I would have my first kiss eventually, and the response in my head was, "Will I though?".
3. Talking to other arospecs and realizing my experiences were really similar to them.
4. Hating romcoms or high school dramas specifically because I hate the cheesy romance. Especially Twilight. I ship no one in that movie.
5. Realizing I didn't want to marry or be in that kind of relationship, but thinking I had to never have a crush to be aro (not realizing that the arospec existed), and not understanding there are not many kinds of attraction.
6. In 9th grade, my friend asked me who my crush was and I panicked and said the name of someone I wanted to be friends with.
7. In 8th grade, my friend had a crush on this guy. I thought I had a crush on him, too but my friend didn't know that. When my friend told me they were going to confess, I immediately decided I didn't have a crush on him any more.
8. In 1st grade, a guy had a crush on me and I was repulsed by it. He would keep trying to tell me how much he loved me and I just avoided him at all costs.
9. My family sometimes bringing up the whole “I hope you find someone” like they ASSUME I’m going to even consider being in a relationship with someone in the first place!
10. Having to Google what “attractive people” look like so that I could tailor my theoretical crushes and/or ‘dream people’ to fit what I was supposed to like.
11. I used to randomly select people to have crushes on because they looked similar to fictional characters I’d fixated on. Legitimately thought that was just what attraction was. I’d look at any redhead ever and go “Ah yes a Crush” because I had wanted red hair for a long time.
12. The entire concept of thinking I was pan because I got the same blah or icky feeling thinking about dating just about Anyone so obviously I was attracted to everyone!!
13. Being really into the idea of a relationship in theory - romance is great! Love stories! Dramatic! - but always getting uncomfortable with the idea of actually going on a date. Genuinely used to stress over the concept of going out to dinner and trying to get to know someone in my that kind of context because I just did not see the appeal in the SLIGHTEST.
14. My friend once told me that they developed a months-long crush on someone because of their hands and I just sort of bluescreened because they might as well have said “yeah I’m actually an alien from outer space” and that was when I realized I should start looking into aroaspec identities.
15. Accepting a date with someone I didn’t know very well, immediately feeling sick and confused and unenthusiastic, calling them later that same day to decline. People told me I should’ve just gone for it because you never know! And I just couldn’t shake how Wrong it all felt.
16. I used to conflate everything from nervous feelings of admiration to genuine fear/discomfort with romantic attraction, and I have pretty bad social anxiety so I thought I had crushes on EVERYONE.
17. Being completely unable to distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction because I didn’t realize that most of what I was feeling was the latter, so getting really confused and assuming I could just “decide” which was which.
18. I used to think I had a superpower where I could just super easily get over anybody that I’d previously had a crush on by willing it, because whenever I stopped actively trying to be attracted to them it immediately went away.
19. I didn’t realize celebrity crushes were actual Attraction and would use the term to mean everything from “yeah I love this actor!” to “wow they play somebody I really love” to “I’m so excited to see this person that it must be SOME kind of attraction but Jesus Christ I would never DATE them I don’t know who they are!!!”
20. A little less funny, but I used to be really worried that I was too picky and not open enough to relationships and would never find the right person because I just didn’t get what people saw in each other (the very few times I’d experienced romantic attraction it never felt like how other people typically characterize it). I’m the same vein, I was worried I wouldn’t ‘make a good enough story’ because the idea of a whirlwind romance with a beautiful stranger felt uncomfortable in actuality.
21. Romantic fantasies or wishes were always about some faceless blob because “I can’t imagine a person who I’d be attracted to, OBVIOUSLY, I don’t know my type yet!!!”
22. I thought I was shallow because all I ever felt when looking at someone was "wow, they look really nice" and that was it.
23. When I confessed to a crush and we dated, I had to act my reactions and felt bad for not "naturally" reacting and so on.
24. When I was flirted to and teased, I just acted it because I had seen it so much on media but it was all just acting. And I knew it.
25. I had a huge admiration crush on this person in one of my classes and had the butterflies-in-stomach feeling whenever I was around them or tried to talk to them. I thought it was a romantic crush so I genuinely considered asking them out, but something felt off about the whole situation, so I didn't take any action.