Kevin was diagnosed with bipolar disorder over two years ago (2020). In retrospect, we could see some signs at a younger age, but as any parent of active young boys would think, we labeled this behavior to “terrible twos” or “the teenage years.” Since these changes in his mood weren’t consistent, nobody would think much more of it than that.

Once diagnosed, we did our best to support Kevin as much as possible. He had prescribed medication he was supposed to take to help manage the mood shifts and he also saw a therapist. Kevin was active in keeping a journal, as suggested by his therapist in his ongoing treatment. Reading his journal gave us a deeper understanding of Kevin’s constant mental struggles (and probably others dealing with bipolar disorder).

Kevin’s Uncle Steve (Ned’s brother) recently explained Kevin’s situation in a narrative that helped us understand what Kevin was going through and what was going on in his mind.

Steve said there was the Kevin that most of us knew and interacted with … the smiling and thoughtful guy people knew from school, baseball, volunteer organizations and work. He was the one that showed up at family gatherings and appreciated connecting and learning more about his relatives. This was the “Good Kevin.” Then there was this other Kevin that had an “alternate identity.” This identity would go through bouts of depression, verbally lashing out at family, and he had a very mean undercurrent – let’s call this “A.I. Kevin,” or Alternate Identity Kevin.

These two entities were constantly fighting for Kevin’s consciousness. As we read some of Kevin’s journal entries we saw how Good Kevin was acknowledging, fighting for and recognizing the little wins he could make. See an example of this in one of his journal entries:

Sunday, December 12th, 2021

Today was a good day. Megan, Matt, Mom, Dad, and I went to the Vincent Van Gogh light exhibit with Gail, Randy, Grandma, Grandpa, Grant, and Victoria then a super yummy lunch at the something Hybrid Hotel. After, I think I scrolled and squandered my afternoon. I went back and forth on smoking for a little, trying to hold off for at least a little while. I think it paid off because just as I was leaving, Jeffrey texted. Had I already been high, I would not have wanted to. Instead, we had a nice evening playing Switch and having conversation. I laughed a fair bit, and I think that is a good sign.

When Kevin connected with friends and family, it compelled Good Kevin to be more present. Good Kevin knew how to be social and interact appropriately with others. The more present Good Kevin had to be, the more he had to squelch A.I. Kevin. This, as a result, didn’t let A.I. Kevin grow as much but left Good Kevin exhausted.

With COVID, this created a situation where Kevin had less person-to-person interaction with people. More isolation led to more time being on the computer, more time to feel isolated and depressed, and more time to suppress the anxiety by smoking marijuana. All this gave A.I. Kevin more opportunities to take over Kevin’s consciousness more often.

A.I. Kevin became more present in Kevin’s journal entries. We saw this through mean remarks he wrote about others. However, we still saw glimpses of Good Kevin fighting to be present. Good Kevin didn’t like how A.I. Kevin was and the effect A.I. Kevin had on his friends and family. In the end, we believe that the Good Kevin sacrificed himself so that A.I. Kevin could no longer hurt those that he loved.

One of Kevin’s favorite characters was Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars. Jedi Starfighter (good guy) becomes Darth Vadar (bad guy). As we continue to put the different pieces together of Kevin’s story, we are gaining better insight into Kevin’s internal struggles between the dark and the good sides he faced, similar to that of his favorite character, Anakin.

Our hearts are broken that Kevin made this decision. But we understand that this was the only way, he thought, he would stop hurting his loved ones. While we will never fully understand the inner struggles Kevin dealt with, we want to use his story to continue his goals of making the world a better place through connecting with those around us, empowering those who feel powerless, and ending the stigma around mental health.

Please share Kevin’s story with others. It helps keep the "Good Kevin’s" spirit alive : )