Dan G. Right is a charector like no other, and the novel I wrote about him is probably one of the funniest Sci-Fi novels I have ever read.

Steps to the Stars and other delusional adventures of Dan G. Right 

Steps to the Stars and Other Delusional Adventures of Dan G. Right

1: Kidnapping in the Armpit of the Galaxy

The saga opens in the Krolacci system—a sterile void known as the "armpit of the galaxy"—where the crew of the exploration vessel Kutlature is dying of boredom. The crew, a hive of blue-skinned, primate-like Klittii with the collective intelligence of a single brain cell, discovers a silent "ghost ship" shaped like an electric razor. Their "heroic" boarding party is a comedy of errors: one pilot drifts into the void because he forgot to seal his suit, while the rest "rescue" four catatonic survivors by dragging them away in stasis nets.

In their bungled fervor, they accidentally mistake a Brittle Britch—a sentient, legally protected religious plant that reads brain waves and preaches endlessly-for something dangerous so accidently kidnap Dan’s crew. Facing a death sentence for attacking and kidnapping the crew of a now-reactivated ghost ship, the ship's Queen—a wrinkled, blue monarch with a ship full of "gay men with syphilis"—uses a holographic stabilizer to disguise herself as a "plump and sexy" human goddess. She boards the ghost ship to negotiate with its master: a disheveled, "Babble Weed" smoking human named Dan G. Rite -a drug addict who thinks he is a member of AA - who refuses to surrender until she hears his "intellectual" life story.

2: The Nut-Hut, The Pardon, and The Vice President

The narrative plunges back to Earth, where Dan’s life was a pharmaceutical blur of accidental crimes. After a drug-fueled spree involving stolen pizza and a "night game" of rhyming with police, Dan was committed to Sunny Hills (the "nut-hut"). Between Thorazine-induced visions of cannibalistic "Sesame Street" birds and a bizarre encounter with a ten-foot Indian and LSD laced "Stamps," Dan escapes in a stolen Fiat, "jetting" across the desert at 45 mph.

At a 4:00 AM Texas bar, Dan encounters the Vice President Dick Cheney, who is bellied up to the bar drinking Gin and complaining about "that dirt bag" George Bush. After a drunken hunting trip where Cheney actually levels a shotgun and shoots a lawyer in the face to "send a message" to the President, Dan uses the leverage to have Cheney call Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and secure a full pardon for his asylum escape. Flush with Cheney’s cash, Dan buys a gas-guzzling '78 Thunderbird—a "land yacht" with a 429 engine—and heads for Wyoming. His Earthly journey ends when his "Thunderchicken" is intercepted by Blurm, a fifty-legged octopus-squid man who offers Dan a 50/50 split on an interstellar scam, catapulting him from a Texas cat house into deep space.

Dan soon realizes he hasn't been rescued; he’s been shanghaied into the slave trade. Blurm explains that because of his own "species profile," he can't move certain high-value "materials" through restricted space. He needs a human "slave" to act as the face of an interstellar scam. Dan, realizing he’s traded a California asylum for a high-tech "AA detox cell" in deep space, decides to lean into the hustle. He trades his '78 Thunderbird for the electric-razor ship, becoming the replacement front-man for a squid-man’s smuggling operation, after shooting his captor, all while navigating a universe that views him as either a luxury pet or a highly taxable piece of property.

3: The Morale Ship and the Nolio Invasion

Back on the dark side of the moon, Dan boards his ship and meets his crew: TONK, a 21,000-year-old "brain in a bottle," with the laziness of a teenager and REX, a "babysitter" robot with a five-year-old's face. Tonk reveals the ship’s history: it was once an interstellar "Morale Ship" staffed by sex-bots, now decommissioned because it’s infested with the Brittle Britch—a plant that reads brain waves to "push your sins on you."

Dan coordinates a mission with the NOLIO, a species of perfectly chiseled "Barbie-doll" aliens. They swarm the ship, turning the bridge into a "sponge-infested orgy" fueled by Giliack—a neon-blue plant juice that is a WMD to most species but a high-octane intoxicant for the Nolio. Dan uses the Giliack to "get the plant laid." By drugging his moral compass, Dan silences the Brittle Britch's sermons, replacing its fire-and-brimstone lectures with "racy jokes" and a romance between the plant and a Nolio stowaway named Number 467.

4: The Amazonian Trade Deal and Philis

Next Dan returns to earth for Martini Olives and Columbian Marching powder. With his Halliburton job technically "excused," Dan is whisked away on a CIA jet to Ecuador. The mission: negotiate a free-trade agreement with cartels to keep the cocaine flowing into America to save the economy. Dan meets a cartel leader who looks like "Dirty Santa in a Hilary Clinton wig" and realizes the entire world is run by "swine" who trade child-slave Nikes for political favors. Dan hijacks a floating shipping container with his Mangatug (the space-semi), fills it with three pallets of pure cocaine, and flees back to the Moon. He’s finished with "Dirt" (Earth). He has the gold, the drugs, and a mile-long ship—but he still forgot the olives.

The dream of a quiet, drug-fueled voyage hits a snag when a group of Grays—alien "suckers" who claim humanity isn’t ready for space—board the ship to harass Dan. He ends the standoff by pointing a fifty-caliber hand-cannon at their almond-eyed heads, forcing them to trade for their lives. Desperate to be rid of a passenger they find insufferable, the Grays dump a human named Philis onto the bridge along with a mountain of luggage and a crate of authentic Greek olives. While Dan is just happy to have a real martini garnish, Philis quickly becomes his most judgmental critic. Throughout the rest of the saga, she watches with cynical disgust as Dan interacts with various bizarre species, convinced he is having a non-stop interspecies orgy. In reality, Dan is just trying to survive the bureaucracy of the void—frequently reminding her that even if he wanted to "lay an alien" for the glory of mankind, the biological differences make it physically impossible (and usually terrifying).

5: The Space Audit and the Safari of Smog

The dream of the infinite bender hits a snag when the ship is audited by the Intergalactic Revenue Service (IRS), led by Inspectors Dumbass, Moron, and Nitwit. They inform Dan that because his guest, PHILIS (a cynical astronomy teacher), is not a citizen, she is legally a taxable pet. Dan defeats the IRS not with guns, but with drugs; the agents emerge with white powder in their beards, sharing his brandy.

The crew then descends to Malitropic, a planet-wide version of Los Angeles shrouded in smog. Dan leads a "Gonzo" safari on ten-foot spider-creatures, where he is bitten by a parasitic leech that his alien female friend, KRISH, has to suck off his hip with her retractable teeth—a scene Philis misinterprets as interspecies erotica. They discover Wooly Mammoths grazing on "explosive corn," and Dan negotiates a deal to stock the ship with mammoth meat, effectively becoming a prehistoric butcher of the stars.

6: The Interspecies Midwife and the Repair Queue

Back in orbit, the crew enters the ultimate nightmare: Interstellar Bureaucracy. They wait months in "Line C" for a materializer repair, with Dan and Philis using a different room as a toilet every day until the ship is a sewer. During the wait, Krish demands Dan help "fertilize her egg." Terrified of her "million sharp teeth," Dan has Tonk "upload a midwife program" to Rex, who uses a "medieval torture device" to help Krish lay her egg while Dan pins her down in a cloud of green goo.

The ship is finally repaired when a technician finds the "clog" in the recycler: a stray tampon belonging to Philis. A humiliated Philis flees, while Dan realizes that the high-tech universe is constantly defeated by the mundane. To combat the boredom of a clean ship, Dan retreats to the medical bay for pure space-psilocybin, entering a vision quest where he meets an Indian Chief with galaxies in his eyes. He merges with the "oneness" of the universe just as his ship is boarded by the Kutlature—bringing the story full circle.

7: The Broken Hologram and the Dark Room Spree

In the final act, Dan meets the Queen from the first pages. She appears as a chiseled goddess in a one-piece suit, and Dan prepares to be the first human to "lay an alien" for the glory of mankind. However, he accidentally knees her hologram projector, shattering the illusion. The goddess vanishes, replaced by a blue, wrinkled, "toad-like" creature with a muffin top and an "uncircumcised phallus" for a nose.

Revealing she’s been lonely for three years on a ship full of "gay men with syphilis," the Queen begs for a connection. In a final "Gonzo" act of mercy and chemical-fueled lust, Dan has Tonk turn off the lights. He spends twelve hours "taking one for the team," concluding that while the universe is a weird, sagging, blue place, it’s still better than being back in the "nut-hut." The book ends with a human, a robot, a brain, and a teacher drifting through the void, finally enjoying a martini with real Greek olives.

Sample taken from the book 

Chapter 25; party is over, stow away, dark side of the moon

             The party lasted days. I had almost felt the thumping music and the damned in and out of the bridge as they packed out more and more drink was actually worse that the annoying religious further the evil plant had displayed since waking. Then I laughed, the plant had not mentioned the bible in a few days. Besides, the group was helping me find all sorts of new pharmacological experiments in the medical bay.

             Yet, as I had finally got used to them, they all grew tired of my ship and went home. A lot of bare breasted kissing was worth it as the exhausted went up the stairs. The last group was gone, and our ship separated. Tonk was sure the alcohol levels were full as we could get them, and we bid farewell to our new friends.

             “Back to Earth now Dan?” Tonk asked. My head was spinning and the mess was everywhere.

             “Earth?” I asked while watching Rex picking up piles of trash and carry them off. “Why would we be heading to Earth?” I finished swaying in reason and thought as to the amazing thought of bothering to return to my mundane life after having all this and the night or two of which I had just survived.

             “You said you wanted real, cocaine, and that is where we would have to go and get it.” He struggled with the pronunciation cocaine, almost as if he had never said the word.

             “Oh, yeah.” I was startled with my memory flashing back to me, “Yes on our way then.” The concept of my original plan came back to me like a tidal wave. There is nothing like a man with a plan than a Dan with a plan and my plain was booger sugar and some friggen olives as well as a box of light bulbs since it seemed Earth was the only place that had them in stock possibly at a Wall Mart and that is what the universe needed a multitude of box stores.

             “Very well, sir, we are on our way.” My invisible friend intruded.

             After my first night asleep I woke to the Brittle Brich in the hall sharing racy jokes with Rex. This was an abnormal hobby I was happy to here, I passed them and returned to the bridge, grabbing my couch cushions and returning them to my suite.

             It took days or maybe a few weeks for us to pull into the solar system, earth was still a slight dot in the sky. “Hey, Tonk, I don’t think we should just pull up on earth and park this thing, isn’t it like miles long?”

             “Yes, over an Earth mile.”

             “Don’t we have a smaller cargo ship I can go down in?” I asked, wondering if a ship larger than most buildings could secretly land on Earth.

             “Yes Dan. We have the small craft you took to Klipsor station.” Tonk added.

             “That isn’t going to work at all! I’ll die of the cramped space and won’t have any room to bring anything back in.”

             “Would a tug work sir? I believe we have a mangatug, if you can find a giant metal crate the tug can drag it behind you. I’m absolutely sure with your current rate of consumption that the ship wouldn’t fit enough of anything you would acquire”

             I pictured the trains going through Wyoming, remembering the metal cartons that once came from the sea, “Yes, I can find a metal box! Now, did you say we had some precious metals on board?”

             “Yes, in the storage bay.”

             “Great, we park this tub on the dark side of the moon, and I will take the tug down!” I was really getting into the excitement of getting home.

             “We have to load the tug now, and get the ship prepared. We must shut down the artificial gravity as we approach, or it will interfere with earth communication.” Tonk stated.

             I went down and found a small box, filling it with gold, platinum, and platinum. The bars were probably half a pound each, and the full box was heavier than I could lift alone. Rex grabbed it with no problem. I had to put on a spacesuit as I followed him to the tug. We climbed out an airlock and walked down the side of the ship, yes the tug actually looked like an old time semi-truck cab covered with rust, and missing its tires. We opened the door, and set the box inside there was certainly more room here.

             We returned into the airlock, and I removed the suit, dropping it to the floor. I thought I saw some movement just in the hall, diverted from putting the suit up and filled with curiosity, I withdrew my 38 and followed it. Around the corner, a shadow escaped, I followed further.

             Around one more corner I caught up, there she was, and she screamed bloody murder when I yelled out, “Hands up, don’t move!”

             She stared at me quite confused, not moving then asked, “Which is it, don’t move or put my hands up?” it was a female Nolio standing there in her pink top and yellow shorts. She looked all of twenty-one with golden flowing hair. In one hand she held a bottle of my brandy in the other a bottle of Giliack. She was in one of the small motel like rooms, and I could tell it was in use, empty bottles scattered the floor, spare cloths were all about.

             “Sorry sir.” A male voice came from inside the room, I poked my head in and saw no one else around, “I persuaded this one to stay and have been hiding her from Tonk.” I saw the mouth on the wall moving, it was the Brittle Brich.

             “So you stayed on my ship without telling me?” I asked the Nolio putting my gun back in my pants.

             “Yes,” she said, looking down like a child in trouble, placing her hands together, “I’m sorry, we are in love though!” she abruptly looked at me, scornful defiance showed across her face.

             “Yes we are,” the plant added, “Have we not relented on our consistent reminder of your religious beliefs?”

             “You could have asked.” I added, and the young thing set her bottles down, attacking me with kisses, her breasts pressed firmly against my chest.

             “Thank you Dan” they both stated in unison.

             “Clean this up” I added, “We are going to be in anti-gravity soon, and it might get dangerous here.”

             I returned to the bridge, “He kept a toy Tonk, can you believe that?”

             “Who sir?” he asked.

             “That annoying plant, yeah we have a Nolio on board.” I sat in the high back chair, “Kind of can’t wait to see what’s going on back on Earth.”

             “Two days and we will be parked on the dark side of the moon.” Tonk added. And they came and went.

             It took me a bit to get a handle on the controls. Tonk talked me through it there was a large control stick in the middle with a pedal under each foot. Unlike a car, the left foot was the gas and the right foot was the brake. The joy stick worked with the screen, pressing forward pushed the ship below the red square, pulling back brought it up, and the left and right worked in their appropriate direction.

             First off, I traveled around looking for that secret base to no avail, yet another mystery solved about aliens. Finally I pulled around the giant glowing rock and the glimmer of the sun was off to one direction automatically the screens tinted with its intensity. I shot down towards the clouds and into North America.