Emotional Intelligence

Managing Anxiety and Fear with Emotional Intelligence

Anxiety and fear run rampant in a world favoring speed. It's crucial in these fast-paced environments we live in to slow down and manage our stress. Stress, which runs alongside anxiety and fear, occurs in the sympathetic system. This is our fight-or-flight response. When we are relaxed, however the parasympathetic response occurs. Ideally, these systems work in harmony. We need the parasympathetic system to digest, sleep, and for our heart rates to slow. Many important bodily functions occur during this time. Adrenaline increases, however, as the sympathetic response turns on. This allows us to appropriately react in times of stress, fear, disorganization, or speed. When only one system or the other is always on, our bodies can't work properly. 

Although the body responds similarly to fear and anxiety, the psychological reactions are different. When faced with anticipation from generalized anxiety (my personal diagnosis and thus my favorite topic), an individual will be avoidant and future-oriented. The fight-or-flight response is ready, but not activated (Hooley, J. M., Nock, M. K., & Butcher, J. N., page 163). When a phobia is challenged, though, the fight-or-flight response turns on. The individual is focused entirely on the present situation and wants to get out as soon as possible (Hooley, J. M., Nock, M. K., & Butcher, J. N., page 163). 

Anxiety disorder affects an individual's emotional intelligence. When anxiety is present, consideration for other people or situations is far harder to focus on. Emotional intelligence slips as logical explanations and reactions seem further out of grasp. No matter how much I personally learn about my emotions and how to handle them, anxiety still takes over even when I try to be prepared for it. This is why I believe therapy, mindfulness, and other coping strategies are incredibly important yet not the entire solution to anxiety. Medication sometimes is necessary for an individual to access their emotional intelligence and rational thinking.

Hooley, J. M., Nock, M. K., & Butcher, J. N. (2019). Abnormal Psychology (18th ed.). Pearson Education (US). https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9780135191033

Professional Boundaries, Family, and Pronouns

Boundaries are incredibly important to everyone, as we each have distinct ones from another. They vary across cultures, families, and individuals. In order to detect and respect someone's boundaries, it's important to first be considerate and mindful. It's okay to mistakenly overstep a boundary if you didn't know it was there. It's not okay to continue overstepping after someone's corrected you. To avoid mistakes, though, one can consider the other person's background and culture. If they have any information on the person, they can use that to decipher what boundaries the person could have. Once they have ideas, they should simply ask! A great, current example is pronouns. So many people are not used to or did not grow up with the array of pronouns that a large community recognizes today. I appear feminine, but use they/them pronouns primarily. Everyone assumes she/her, and that can be a problem in itself. I personally always ask someone's pronouns when I first meet them, and throughout our relationship if they appear to have changed at all. Asking is key, and the most respectful thing to do. By avoiding the topic, you're only making the other person even more uncomfortable. 

Setting workplace boundaries doesn't have to be scary. To continue the pronoun example, I try to ask and check-in with my coworkers often. It can be intimidating to say your own first, so I start by asking them. I personally also am a perfectionist- thanks to my anxiety- so I can come across as overbearing. I allow people to correct me, though, and I try to encourage my coworkers to stand up for themselves if I'm overstepping and don't realize. This helps our relationships become more trustworthy, which promotes the work environment and allows the job to run more smoothly. I have another job, too, where I nanny, which is much more intimate. Being the only employee for my bosses makes standing up for myself more intimidating, but I've realized that they're just as nervous talking to me about their boundaries! Having open discussions regularly about both parties' expectations eliminates confusion and has brought us very close together. 

Boundaries are important everywhere. Outside of work, and most important in my opinion, is family. I got married two months ago and my husband's mom views her family very different from how my mom handles ours. My own mother and I have always been very close, but we hold privacy and respect very highly. My husband's mother, being very close to her kids as well, is much more involved in their (our) lives. I have had to set boundaries with her that I never thought I would have to because of my own family's dynamic. It's been interesting, but it's improved my relationship with myself and my husband. If I continued to allow behaviors that way crossed a line according to my beliefs, then I would lose a part of myself. My new priority, though, is my husband and his relationships. I value and respect his family, but I also value and respect myself. So, where's the balance? That's something I'm actually in the process of discovering. It's not easy, but it's incredibly rewarding. I've learned so much about my own limits and how to cope with those I disagree with. By protecting myself- and my husband- I have a sense of safety and comfort that no one can take away. 

Boundaries relate to emotional intelligence. Growing up, I began to simply cut ties with those who I felt disrespected me. The truth is, we're all doing what we believe to be right- at least, I hope. If that is true, then all I'm doing is losing person after person. Of course, someone who repeatedly oversteps does not care about my wellbeing. I'm more than willing to lose a relationship that is only harming me. The key is recognizing who has earned my trust, who has broken it, and to what degree have they broken it. Not only that, but do they know that how their actions made me feel? There are levels to it, and only I get to know and choose who is and is not worthy of my energy. This also transitions into self-care, as I believe that spending precious mental and emotional energy on someone who does not respect me is probably the most popular form of self-harm. 

Gender Dysphoria in Culture and Identity

Gender and the acceptance of such is heavily influenced by culture. As societies have progressed to allow gender flexibility, a higher population percentage has felt comfortable coming out. More and more individuals have allowed themselves to question their own gender, which wasn't an option for centuries. Those with negative attitudes towards gender suppress their own identity and self-expression, leaving them feeling socially disconnected and insecure. 

Gender is a crucial part of identity. However, many cultures still view it through strict lenses: male equals man, and female equals woman. Men follow certain rules and roles, as do women. It is a privileged world many of us live in to feel safe enough- or at all- to express our own unique selves. It seems as though gender dysphoria is generally viewed as abnormal. However, from my experiences, I've seen it as far more common than most people (including the ones I've noticed it in) care to believe. Religion, family, traditions, social structures, and so many other social factors contribute to an individual's perception and/or acceptance of gender.

 It is completely natural and instinctive to feel hesitant or even threatened by those who present themselves as different from you and what you have been raised on. This is the brain's way of protecting yourself form danger- however, there is none. I have personally freed myself by confronting my limited mindsets straight-on: where is this feeling of anxiety coming from? Is it necessary? Is the person a threat to me or my loved ones? How so? By interrogating myself, I can decide whether I'm protecting myself or clinging to dated beliefs that don't serve me or this society anymore. People who respect themselves enough to share their identities should be admired and protected. Perhaps they are the ones in danger (they are, as we can see from clear recent hate crimes). 

Each programmatic theme applies immensely to gender dysphoria, but one that I choose to highlight is social justice. Our society is progressing in many ways that allow those experiencing gender dysphoria to find themselves. They have finally been encouraged enough to come forward, however, those with violent viewpoints are just as comfortable. It is so important to protect one another both physically and emotionally. Even if gender dysphoria doesn't personally affect you, it does affect someone you care about. 

Hooley, J. M., Nock, M. K., & Butcher, J. N. (2019). Abnormal Psychology (18th ed., pages 418-420). Pearson Education (US). https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9780135191033

Active Listening

Active listening occurs when a person is responsive, attentive, and encouraging towards a speaker. This can involve asking questions for confirmation or simply staying silent to fully comprehend everything being said. The goal is not to respond but to understand. This type of listening assures the speaker that they are not only being heard but understood. Because of how it supports the speaker (or client), active listening is considered a highly effective therapy technique. 

Passive listening, however, is not a recommended technique. By appearing distracted, giving no responses (verbal, physical/body language), or appearing forgetful, it shows the client that what they have to say is unimportant. Even if it seems obvious, small, or dramatic, supportive therapists need to show their care. To them, it could be the most tragic incident or deepest feelings. Listening actively is one step that makes a large difference in trust-building. 

I found a source to help me put the feelings into words (below), but my true understanding of active listening comes from a very dear friend of mine. Our relationship is fully virtual, so words are our platonic "love language". Every time I share an event, thought, or feeling that he thinks I need support for, he listens actively to me. He responds with conformational questions or statements to make sure he is correctly understanding me. This alone makes me feel like I am truly being heard and that someone wants to know what's going on in my head or my mindset on something. This also helps us in future interactions when a similar topic is brought up, and thus our bond grows. I have even asked his advice and tried to copy his methods in order to be a more active listener myself.

My own theory of personality

I observe personality through the experiences that shape a person's methods of thinking: what is visual for them, physical, auditory? I have always been taught that has little to do with personality, but I see it transfer into the forms of art a person enjoys (music, movies, paintings, etc) and how they solve problems. How they cope with regret, rejection, and high stress are highly relevant as well. The jobs they chose, the people they gravitate to, and the topics they are most and least passionate about tell me what this individual cares about; to me, this is what a personality is shaped around. 

I believe that nurture is the primary shaper of persona. As a nanny, I see the ways that parenting/guardianship impacts a child. The way a caregiver talks about themself and to a toddler will inevitably become that child's inner monologue. As someone with a mental disorder or two, I also see how these impact a personality. I hear from different sources all the time whether this and trauma is our true personalities or not, so this is a topic I hope to understand better from this course. However, to me, a personality is how all of it comes together- passions, trauma, childhood, beliefs, role models, psychological disorders, and neurotypes. With that being said, of course, some of these can be genetic. This, again, fascinates me as I've always wanted to understand how nature and nurture intertwine to a person's development. It seems to be such a complex concept to study because most of the time, naturally, parents raise their biological children. 

Studying personality allows a person to better work and communicate with the people around them. We all know that humans are social creatures. We pride ourselves on our empathy (and our violence); and, by understanding personality better, we can set the foundations for more productive conversations and healthier social environments. I get to take these concepts with me far into my degree and career as a therapist. I aim to work with relationships- couples, families, parent/child- and so seeing different personalities of clients will occur a lot. 

Personality is not entirely adaptive, but it's not entirely stunted either. From what I have seen growing up with friends, family, and myself, it has become clear that one will always revert to their core thinking patterns. Beliefs and schemas can alter and expand through continuous re-learning, but the foundation of a person appears persistent. We are not slaves to our faults nor our passions, but it appears that we must constantly evaluate them. This translates to extroversion/introversion and locus of control, as well. Being raised in a certain environment and exposed to certain norms (seeing family often or not at all, meeting new people frequently or keeping to oneself, spiritual and religious teachings) for the majority of one's childhood cannot simply go away. As I shared before, the way a toddler is talked to becomes their internal monologue (from my own experiences and observations). So, what a person is raised on will ultimately stick with them into adulthood. 

I believe that a large part of the question, "Is personality changeable?" depends on how the person was raised. Those trapped in strict environments and mindsets do not change much after the brain's development finishes. Some people seem to think and behave the same for the entirety of their lives.

Analyzing a character with personality theory

The character I am choosing for analysis is Mulan. The legend of Mulan dates back centuries (and from various unclear, possibly overlapping sources), but I will focus specifically on Fa Mulan from Disney's 1988 version, "Mulan". This character has been a favorite of mine since I was a preteen, so I'm excited to describe her through a psychological lens! 

For those unaware of the legends or have not seen the movie, Mulan was a Chinese woman who impersonated a male soldier to take her injured father's place in a draft. She went on to save her unit from an attack (by initiating an avalanche, I should add), but was then discovered to be female and thus abandoned by her fellow soldiers and commanding officer. When she saw that the opposing army was still alive, she rushed to the city in order to warn her everyone. Of course, no one listened, and the emperor got kidnapped. She broke into the building, rescued the emperor, and was offered a place in the royal council. Oh and all of China, including the emperor and the remainder of her army, bowed down to her. She gracefully declined the offer and asked to return home to her father. Can you tell I love this movie?

Although there are goofy one-liners, a pocket-sized dragon, and an arguably bisexual romance between Mulan and the commanding officer both before and after her sex is discovered, Mulan stayed focused on protecting her family and her home. Her conscious led her through quick-thinking decisions that few people believed she could pull off. 

Mulan's Eros appears to be her driving force, with others such as her libido repressed. As a children's movie, of course sexuality is discussed little, but even romance and desire are repressed within Mulan's conscious. She prioritizes her main goal and, even when everyone is safe, she walks away from her love interest in order to reflect on her other decisions. She admits at the end, "Maybe I wasn't doing it to save my father. Maybe I was doing it to prove myself." This line, although seemingly contradictive to what I have just stated, goes hand-in-hand with her character. Although she fears for her own well-being and purpose, she does so carefully and never at the sacrifice of others. 

Although meek and charmingly awkward at many points, Mulan is unafraid of standing up for herself amongst a group of men (pre-feminism age). Before her identity is revealed, she begins to bond with her fellow soldiers. As they pass a field of working women, the men sing of the traits they wish for in a wife: a good cook, beautiful, pampering, and in awe of them. Mulan sheepishly suggests "what about a girl who's got a brain, who always speaks her mind?" She continues to bring up these ideas throughout the movie, ultimately getting the three men who led the previous song to dress up as concubines during the climax of the movie. 

Mulan's awkwardness can be attributed to mild neurotic behavior. She is shown to overthink her decisions in various parts of the movie. Some could argue this is self-awareness, others could blame anxiety, but I think the truth encompasses both. Her character perfectly portrays the age-old archetype of a woman who "looks like a bride but will never bring (her) family honor" (quoted by the matchmaker). Naturally, someone who has been criticized her entire life is going to second-guess herself constantly. Possible disorder aside, Mulan is incredibly self-aware and emotionally intelligent. She is constantly minding the people and circumstances around her. When the commanding officer's father and a large part of the army are discovered dead, she immediately tries to comfort the son. She hugs the emperor when he thanks her for her service. Finally, she apologizes for the distress she has caused her father and tries to please him with the emperor's gifts. 

A large theme of the movie is the cultural belief of ancestral guidance. In fact, the comedic-relief character, Mushu, is a problematic ancestor who believes leading Mulan through the war would fix his status with the other ancestors. The idea of pleasing the ancestors and therefore the family is another driving force for Mulan's decisions and anxiety.

In conclusion, Mulan is an iconic character and we can all learn from her empathy, self-awareness, and drive. Personality theories would find her to be anxious, self-aware, determined, and focused. 

Shiraev, E. (2016). Personality Theories. SAGE Publications, Inc. (US). https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781506300795

Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace (Personality Theories Final Discussion)

Emotional Intelligence and Managerial Communication identifies four sectors of emotional intelligence to expand upon: awareness of self, awareness of others, self-regulation, and relationship management. In the professional setting, each of these are important. In general, awareness of self is most crucial to success. However, my career in therapy will highly rely on my awareness of others.

Awareness of others requires an understanding of others’ roles, emotions, moods, communication styles, abilities, feelings, and motivation (Nguyen et al, 2019). These are the social, emotional, and cognitive psychological parts of an individual’s personality. I believe that understanding a client- and them recognizing your understanding- is one of the largest successes in therapy. Most clients come for validation, to feel listened to, and to better understand themselves. This can all be accomplished with a therapist who prioritizes awareness of others.

Emotional intelligence in the workplace and in interviews is important because humans are social creatures. We must understand one another in order to succeed in practically everything, especially professionally and in the psychology fields. By remaining aware of our actions, consequences, roles, and thoughts, we can uplift ourselves and each other.

Modeling this behavior in certain workplaces, such as an interactive office, is highly effective. This effect is less realistic for therapists as they often work with clients one-on-one. A strategy I could employ to promote an increase of emotional intelligence as applicable to awareness of others is coaching and active communication. In a therapy office, for example, the therapists could regularly review emotional intelligence concepts and the core aspects of therapy. A therapist could also use awareness of others to communicate clearly with a client’s psychiatrist, social worker, and other assistants. This would benefit both the client and the therapist.

Healthy workplace cultures tend to be the exception, unfortunately. In six customer service jobs, I have seen that emotional intelligence and workplace wellness is massively under cared for. As a nanny and the daughter of an HR worker, I have heard a lot of meeting phone calls as well and it’s clear that few people care about employee wellness. Emotional intelligence is only prioritized when it benefits productivity. Personally, this is the most counterproductive attitude management could have. When we stop focusing on production, we will see a genuine improvement. Until then, no articles or coaching or buying employees stanley cups (personal experience) is going to help.

If I could discuss this topic with any personality theorist covered thus far, I would want to debate with Sigmund Freud. Most of us will probably say this as it no one cares for his personality. However, as much as I want to prove him wrong, I also am curious as to how he considered the ideas he did. I disagree with his psychosexual ideas and everything involving gender and his lack of validity is problematic in itself. The idea of the unconscious and repressed drives, though, I find fascinating. I would love to learn more about this and even implement some of the concepts into my practice.

Nguyen, T. et al. (2019). Emotional Intelligence and Managerial Communication. American Journal of Management, 19(2), 54–63. https://doi-org.ezproxy.snhu.edu/10.33423/ajm.v19i2.2068

Shiraev, E. (2016). Personality Theories. SAGE Publications, Inc. (US). https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781506300795