Press Releases

KILLESTER, DUBLIN: In a direct man versus machine face-off Chat GPT has been pitted against Chat GPTT to predict the outcome of this years JD Sailing event. 

Unless you moved into Bin Laden’s cave you’ll already know that Chat GPT is the Microsoft backed artificial intelligence chatbot. 

You’re probably not aware of Chat GPTT, which is a very intelligent WhatsApp conversation between Gilesy, Padge, Tim N and Timmy C. 

Chat GPT was given access to this year’s draw along with the last 3 finals results. 

Our human participants were given the link to the full results page, along with their own knowledge of the competitors. This vital insider knowledge could prove to be the difference, such as sailors age, weight, expected sailing conditions, alcoholism, ease of distraction by seagulls and penchant for sniffing diesel in the engine shed. 

The outcomes of this will be far reaching. Does humanity still rule over what we’ve made or has our dystopian future already arrived? Do we still have free will or are we living in the matrix? Does diesel really smell like diesel? Is masturbating really illegal on airplanes? (thanks a lot Bin Laden). 

Only the day in question will reveal the truth but the predictions below are both impressive and worrying. Just to avoid any confusion, the worry is for mankind. 

First up is Chat GPT. It gave us an effortless breakdown of front-runners, strong contenders and dark horses followed by a performance heat-map and its overall top 6 prediction. 

Chat GPT:

**Top Candidates Based on Past Performance & Trajectory**

Front-Runners (Consistently High Placements):

1. Toby Bedell (Group D) – 6th in 2022, 3rd in 2023, 1st in 2024. Big favorite.  

2. Darren Griffin (Group A) – 2nd in 2022, 4th in 2023, 2nd in 2024. Most consistent overall.  

3. Cian Griffin (Group A) – 8th in 2023, 3rd in 2024. Rapid improvement.  

4. Colin Kavanagh (Group B) – 7th in 2022, 4th in 2024. Excellent comeback form.

Strong Contenders:

5. Evan Dolan (Group D) – 3rd in 2022, 5th in 2023, absent in 2024 but with a strong record.  

6. Tim Noone (Group C) – 5th in 2022, 10th in 2024. Has shown top-5 ability, but less consistent.

Dark Horses / Possible Upsets

- John Brereton (Group B) – 9th in 2023. Outside shot if improved.  

- Shane Giles (Group B) – 4th in 2022. Could return to form.  

- James O’Callaghan (Group C) – 5th in 2024. Outside shot.  

- Andrew Killen (Group C) – 8th in 2024. Climbing potential.

**Predicted Top 6 for 2025**

1. Toby Bedell

2. Darren Griffin

3. Cian Griffin

4. Colin Kavanagh

5. Evan Dolan

6. Shane Giles *(if he returns to 2022 form — else Tim Noone)*

What is particularly impressive about the Chat GPT prediction is despite not knowing the individuals involved, it somehow knows Shane will inevitably follow a seagull at some point during the day, even if that’s from a winning position in the final. 

Then we move on to Chat GPTT…Gilesy, Padge, Tim N and Timmy C. What could go wrong?

Quite surprisingly this too was relatively effortless. Once the group was set-up their enthusiasm was overwhelming.  “Go on…” was the opening message, followed by a weather prediction. Apparently GFY doesn’t stand for ‘Good For You’. 

Once we got down to the question at hand it was Gilesy who was straight out of the blocks with his prediction. No random thoughts, no prattling, just a straight top 6.  His phone has clearly been stolen and he’s in danger. Someone should really do something about that but now is not the time. 

Padge demanded more information, 3 quick fire questions, more more more info. Perhaps Padge is creating his own LLM. 

Things took a turn at this point for the group. A recounted memory of an altercation with a pedo, or should that be an alter-cation.  Then some life advice on how to get ahead in Skerries. Autocorrect may have added an “a” to the 3rd last word in that sentence. 

A new day brought renewed enthusiasm and a directness usually only associated with Derek going to the yacht club. The predictions were solidified. Timmy C didn’t stick to the brief. Padge used his personal AI tool with horrific results. Tim N was full of confidence and Gilesy was still kidnapped and in mortal danger. 

GPTT predictions:

Gilesy:  The same top 3 as the actual Chat GPT picks, putting heed to the fact Gilesy has been replaced by a robot. 

1. Toby

2. Griffy 

3. Cian griffin 

4. Ken Hoffman 

5. Tim noone 

6. Marmo

Padge:  Predicted for both heavy weather and light air conditions so he can be wrong twice. His personal AI had clearly shat itself when it got to light air. 

Heavy weather

1. Toby 

2. Noel Spain

3. Griff

4. Evan

5. Dora Peelo 

6. Tim Noone

Light air:

1. Shane G

2. Noel France

3. Jim O'Callallahan

4. Griffin #3

5. Ken Hasselhoff

6. Padge

Tim N:  Full of confidence and the only one to not look at the form book and put Rup in the final

1. Tim Noone

2. Darren Griffin

3. Cian Griffin 

4. Gilesy 

5. Shane

6. Rupert

Timmy C:  The only man or machine to predict a Griffy win, just behind the weather. Apparently nobody else will finish but we’ll all be smiling. 

1. 20 degrees

2. 10 knots

3. Griffy

4. Great day

5. Messing

6. Good craic

So what have we learned apart from this article being far too long? 

1. If you want a quick answer don’t ask a human. 

2. The pressure is on Toby and Griffy as clear favourites. 

3. If you want to have a good time hang out with Timmy. 

4. It appears to be too late for Gilesy but nothing a good whiff of the engine shed won’t sort out. 

5. Race day will tell us who’s prediction is the best

6. Roll on 10th May. 

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND: In a ground-breaking move that embraced cutting edge technology, AI superstar Chat GPT was selected to make the 2025 Group Draw, ensuring complete impartiality of the groups. Regatta organisers waited tentatively as the super large-language model with the power to build entire planets was briefed to select 3 random groups from a list of names. 

When asked to organise the names, Chat GPT responded: 'Really? You can't just draw them out of a hat? It's not like I'm busy writing 10 million lines of code or anything. FFS'. 

As the names emerged into the groups, the organisers were astounded however as GPT began to get confused and forgot the order of the original groups. John Marmelstein appeared in 3 different groups, and in one of them he had seven fingers. Embarrassed organisers quickly pulled the plug and just wrote out the names on a piece of paper. It later emerged that GPT had been at the WD40 again. 

In tomorrow's news: Bookies back Griffin to pop his cherry. 

SEABURY, IRELAND: With the escalating trade wars, war in Ukraine, food inflation, housing crisis, global warming and price of fish these days there was, naturally, grave concerns over what catering options

would be available in Broadmeadows at this years Johnny Devitt Regatta. These fears where

proved unfounded last night. 

The committee, following our board meeting are delighted to announce that Peter Flanagan from Centra in Seabury has stepped up to support the event. The sailors/volunteers will be supplied with Centra breakfast muffins and of course a selection of sandwiches at lunch time. 

Speaking at the press event this morning, Director of Catering, Padge, reported he was delighted to team up with Centra this year. Quoting Napoleon Bonaparte, Padge said “An army marches on its stomach. That’s what we have here, an army. An army of vagabonds but an army none the less”. 

When asked if Bluebutterfly would be supporting the event Padge remained tight lipped. But he did say

there will be tea and coffee and perhaps single use compostable double lined cups.   

In tomorrow's news: CHAT GPT makes a balls-up of the draw.  

GLOUCESTER, UK: A man, believed to be in his late forties (but still in his prime football years) today edited a website, changing the year '2024' to '2025', and triggered the launch of the 'Sailing Event of the Year (c)' . Thus, the Johnny Devitt Memorial Regatta 2025 was born. News teams around the globe scrambled to secure an exclusive, as entries began flooding in from some of the world's most celebrated sailors.    

OLD BAILEY, LONDON: In an unprecedented move,  regatta organisers have conceded to pressure groups of crap sailors, and amended the race format to allow an extra chance for the duffers to qualify beyond the group stage.  

Following weeks of vocal protests by anonymous duffer groups, a group of masked spackers stormed Regatta HQ in London and demanded a fairer chance to qualify from the group stage. The duffers had intended to burn the offices, but after accidentally setting fire to themselves, they were escorted from the building.

Nevertheless, the regatta committee were prepared to listen,  and have created an extra 'REPERCHARGE' SEMI FINAL for sailors finishing 6-8 in the groups, otherwise known as the 'Duffer's Last Chance' group. Sailors finishing 9 & 10 in the group (otherwise known as 'Absolute Duffers')  will still be eliminated from the regatta. 

Race organiser Rupert Bedell said: 'These duffers have been turning up year in, year out without a chance of qualification. Their lives are hard enough as it is, given the challenges they face in society generally. We have listened and we hope the new format gives them a ray of hope in their otherwise miserable lives'. 

It was then pointed out that Bedell also exited the regatta at group stage last year, and was therefore also a duffer.  

In tomorrow's news: Are you a duffer? Take our 5 point test to find out. 

LEINSTER HOUSE, DUBLIN: The great and the good of Irish Olympic Sailing gathered at Leinster House, Dublin for the Group Draw of the 2024 Johnny Devitt Memorial Regatta. Olympic participation obviously pales in comparison to the ultimate glory of winning the Johnny Devitt regatta, and Ireland's former Olympic heroes were keen to see which group they would be pitched in for the upcoming regatta.  

After the draw threw up some exciting matches, things turned tasty when the group moved to the bar and the debate began about who could claim to be Ireland's greatest sailor of all time. Pints were soon being thrown, before Mark Mansfield had Bill O'Hara in a headlock, while Annalise Murphy resorted to whipping the two of them with her silver medal. Ciaro Peelo was on her 13th pint when she began a disgraceful right-wing chant directed at David Wilkins, before the barman intervened and asked them all to relocate to Trinity College where that sort of behaviour was acceptable.  

In tomorrow's news: Duffers get a second chance this year!

With just over one week to go until the big event, MYC sailor Garrett Creagh has allegedly been looking for an exit from the regatta - by any means possible! Creagh (43) is a local legend, failing his MYC Level 1 swimming test 52 times before going on to become 'MYC's Most Reluctant Sailor 1997'.

Upon learning of the draw where he has been placed in Group 1, Creagh immediately offered up his place to any takers.  This was refused by the regatta organisers who were already warned that Creagh would pull any stunt to get out of actually going in a boat. Rumours have since circulated that Creagh has been seen injecting himself with concentrated strains of COVID-19 in an attempt to rule him out of racing. 

Creagh, who famously turned down a 3X salary increase for a job that involved standing around (only to quit instead and go home and stand around), refused to comment to waiting journalists outside his Killester home. He would only confirm he was going inside for a nap, emerging thirty six hours later looking refreshed. 

In tomorrow's news: Gus Barry in 3 in-a-bed romp with Tory party MP. 

While the majority of the field have looked to the traditional sailing meccas of New Zealand, Australia and Engerland for inspiration, Darren Griffin has gone a little left field. Sticking with his tried and tested method of “throwing money at the problem” he has looked towards Colombia for light weather training. 

During a recent lull in the breezes he was spotted out training in the broadmeadows with none other than Shakira in the coaches rib. 

Since hitting his 40’s he’s been struggling to get power into his ooches so he flew in the greatest hip wiggler on earth. 

Having her roar “hips don’t lie” through a megaphone on the water has really limbered up his joints and added 12%-15% to his ooching power. 

When we asked the fabled Barbarian for a comment he just grunted, which is more than we expected. When we asked Shakira for a quote on her experience she said “it has been terrifying”.  The Griffin camp claim her quote was lost in translation and she intended to say “it has been terrific”. While we can’t be certain who’s telling the truth, Shakiras Wikipedia page says she is fluent in English. 

In tomorrow’s news: “Are the Bedell’s allowed sing at the BBQ?” Poll results are in & it doesn’t look good.

News of a growing threat south of the river has made its way to Malahide, sending shockwaves of fear into the hearts of Northside sailors. Evan 'Eggy' Dolan has not been seen near a boat since the mid 1990s, when he routinely terrorised regatta fleets which his ruthless proficiency on the race course. 

Dolan, who eats up to 35 hard-boiled eggs a day, has been plotting a return to dinghy sailing for the entire time. Before the world's press last week, Dolan outlined his ambitions in no uncertain terms.

'I'm going to rip the arms and legs off all of those losers from Malahide. And that cocky idiot Bedell will be first on the list! I will crush his bald head like a boiled egg!' Dolan then aggressively devoured an extra large boiled egg in front of journalists, to prove the point.  

Dolan & Bedell have been drawn together in Group A, along with Ken Hoffman, another from the 1990 Optimist World team. The other contenders in the group include Gareth 'The Prattler' Giles,  Carl 'The Choker' Griffin and Garrett 'The Quitter' Creagh. 

Elsewhere, a crisis is emerging as sailors admit they no longer own any sailing gear. 

In tomorrow's news: Creagh looks for way out. 

Breaking news from Howth peninsula tonight, where two-time former RNLI regatta winner Dylan Gannon has lashed out at the regatta organisers of the newly revised format. 

Gannon would have been strongly tipped for the title this year on account of his previous form at RNLI, however, the regatta is taking place on the same day as his wedding in Italy.  Gannon claimed this was a deliberate action by the Malahide-based  organisers to deny him a hat-trick of victories. 

'What a farce!', spat Gannon when questioned by journalists outside his sprawling 3 bedroom home. 'Those Malahide lads were sick as parrots when I took their trophy last time and they're scared I'll do it again. They can't handle the truth!'  

'It's not even a proper event if I'm not going. Who's going to this event anyway? I'll tell you who, Billy McNobody, that's who!'

This prompted an angry response from real-life Billy McNobody of Co. Tipperary, who retorted 'That's out of line! Gannon needs to lay off me for once'.  

Meanwhile regatta organisers continue to gather a treasure trove of goodies to be auctioned at the post-race BBQ, including a priceless PS5! Which is available for a large price. 

In tomorrow's news: Eason's Alive!

Across the entire nation of Ireland and indeed the world, sailors are scrambling to reserve the final places on the start line of what is being dubbed ' The Greatest Event of All Time' . 

The Johnny Devitt Memorial regatta has seen surprise entries from the top Optimist & Mirror sailors of the 1980s & 1990s, in what will be a remarkable 30 year reunion. 

60% of the 1990 World Optimist Team will be reunited again, as Ken Hoffman, Evan Dolan & Rupert Bedell lock horns for the first time in 30 years. Dolan & Hoffman are both former Optimist National Champions, meaning there are 2 in the fleet in total, as Darren Griffin is not a former Optimist National Champion. 

Meanwhile Derek Sheehan provides much needed 'Mirror Fleet Glamour' along with Sutton legend Colin 'Cabbage' Kavanagh. Kavanagh is now Ireland's #1 online sailing gamer, while Sheehan spends his evenings in front of his computer dressed in his offshore gear drinking whiskey, often staring at a blank screen for hours. No doubt reliving the glory of his Clontarf Regatta win in 1992. 

With only 6 spaces remaining on the start line, the world's top yachtsmen are scrambling to complete their online entries. Will you be there?

In tomorrow's news: Griffin sues regatta organiser!

Vlad is allegedly gutted after his invite to the Johnny Devitt Memorial Regatta was rescinded. Mr Putin is a keen sailor listing it among his hobbies along with horse riding, fencing, war mongering and Cluedo.

Event organiser Rupert explained “while it crushes me to exclude a bald powerful man like myself his €50 entry fee was never getting through sanctions”. 

Putin’s exclusion hasn’t reduced the odds of a bald man winning the event with 90% of registered competitors having 7 follicles or less.

After months of rumours, a spokesman for a mysterious group of wealthy and attractive businessmen confirmed that his clients were intent on staging a regatta at MYC, sometime in 2022. 

"It's true, there has been a meeting, and a regatta was discussed. There was quite bit of bickering to begin with,  as some of them had just turned up for weekly online sailing. Then some old embarassing stories from the 1980s were recycled, before talk turned to a regatta. Unfortunately the call ended unexpectedly after 45 minutes as none of them had paid for Zoom premium. "

It was subsequently confirmed that a date of 21st May 2022 had been set for the regatta, and that the group were neither wealthy nor attractive. 

In tomorrow's news: Regatta cancelled!