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1) always keep an open body language, 2) move forward instead of backward when talking about positives, 3) do functional gestures (do not lock your hands), 4) a slower pace of speaking feels more important, 5) use pauses to emphasize your important bits (never do "eeh", "aah"). Then 4 subtle skills from 12:34
1. Don't multitask. (4:27) 2. Don't pontificate. (4:50) 3. Use open ended questions. (6:02) 4. Go with the flow. (6:39) 5. If you don't know, say so . (7:26) 6. Don't equate your experience with theirs. (7:46) 7. Try not to repeat yourself. (8:26) 8. Stay out of the weeds. (8:46) 9. Listen. (9:08) 10. Be brief. (10:29) Listen. Be amazed!
1. Write down 3 gratitudes, 2. Journal a positive thing that happened today, 3. Exercise, 4. Meditate, 5. Do something kind
1. The easiest way to build self-confidence: repetition / persistence. Fake it till you make it, practice makes perfect. 2. Self-talk: thoughts influence actions. Get your own self affirmations, your own brag sheets. Your own letter about the things you are proud of. 3. Catch them while they're good. Praise positive behavior to reinforce it. 4. Self-confident people interpret feedback the way they choose too.
“Tell me more”. “What happened next?”
1. Simplify how much information you pay attention to. 2. Relax. Performance decline if you're not relaxed. Take deep breathing, exercise, walk in park, forest. 3 - Unitask. The brain performs best if it's not multitasking. Don't check your phone, social media too often.
"The moment we believe success is determined by an engrained level of ability, we become brittle in the face of adversity."
1. If something is framed as a gain, like a glass being half-full, we like it; if it's framed as a loss, (half-empty), we dislike it: ex. a surgical procedure. with a 70% success rate / 30% failure rate; & ppl stick to a negative opinion. It's important & takes effort to seek the upside of things. 2. Engaging in gratitude, leaving a generous tip, rehearsing good news & sharing it with others, can shift our mindset towards the positive. 3. We tend to tilt towards the negative but with practice, we can focus on the positive & have a more uplifting mindset
When you need someone to wait a moment, say "Thank you for your patience" instead of "sorry for the wait" It makes them more likely to be kind & patient as you've already asserted so. When responding to advice, say "you're right" instead of "I know." It shows that you actually listen, that you care and you give them credit. If you want to endear someone to you, ask them for advice. No matter what on; asking for opinion shows you respect and value one's input. To avoid clients from being defensive don't use "you". It's not "you didn't send the attachment", it's "the attachment wasn't received".
Better communication. Be brief, have people talk about themselves (what they’ve been up to or what their hobbies are, then talk about that), ask for advice, be positive: ask about something positive in your counterpart's life before asking about life in general, repeat the last 3 words someone says, pay attention to your tone, body language (smile, gesture).
10 Proven Ways to Be Happy. 1. Exercise: 7mn Could Be Enough 2. Sleep More 3. Relationships: Spend Time With Others 4. Get Outside: at least 20 mn 5. Help Others 6. Smile: Reduce Pain, Improve Mood, Think Better 7. Plan a Trip: Even if You Don't Actually Take One 8. Meditate 9. A Short Commute : Worth More Than a Big House 10. Gratitude
Power boosts. Listen to music, remember the lyrics of a song. Enjoy a view, it gives a sense of context & perspective, making things less daunting. Pull your hair, it gets blood flowing & relieves tension. Be Nice to a stranger, say Thanks. Pop a Peppermint. Sit up straight.
Correct your posture. A good upright posture improves breathing and increases blood flow to the brain, hence decreasing blood pressure and stress. Power-pose for 2mn (feet resting on a surface while sitting with fingers interlaced behind the head or standing & leaning slightly forward over a surface supported.
Mood boosters. Declutter (your desk), clean; plan, organize things; listen to relaxing music; be in bed by 11; get a weekly massage; plan a relaxing holiday. Watch documentaries.
We have a subconscious way of defining ourselves that affects our lives. If you see yourself as conservative, you will move and talk differently than if you consider yourself to be outrageous. A change in your own definition will change your behaviors and the aspirations you pursue.
Don't take anything personally. No one thinks about you as much as you do.
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. You don't get anything unless you ask.
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
Will this matter a year from now? Seligman's 3 Ps: permanence (how permanent is the setback?), pervasiveness (will the setback affect your whole life or just part of it?), and personalization (is the setback really something you caused?).
Respond right away. In high-pressure situations, as an email requiring some thought or more information, you set it aside. Later you come back to it (more rushed) and spend time trying to figure where you left off. Try not to pick up the same piece of work twice. Read it & respond rather than put it aside & think you'll respond later.
Find an outlet for creative energy. This might be exercising, writing, cartooning, painting, landscaping. No matter how busy you are, or how lousy you feel, if you make time for creative activities, you will be happier and healthier.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Use the right words: Instead of saying I'm upset or @#$%, say I'm a bit annoyed; I hate ☞I prefer; devastating ☞inconvenient, worried☞concerned; I forgot ☞it will come to me; awful ☞challenging; should ☞could; try ☞will. Don't generalize, exaggerate, saying "It's unbearable", "Everyone thinks…"
Words are powerful on ourselves and on others. If you say 'Don't drop it!', the mind thinks of 'drop' and the person may let the object fall, while 'Hold it tight' has a better effect!
Eliminate 'but' from your vocabulary, you'll get greater acceptance for your ideas & greater cooperation. 'but' negates everything that precedes it, it's negative on anything you say. 'But' is exclusive & isolating; 'and' is inclusive & welcoming.
Some reviews by Tom Butler-Bowdon: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) Stephen R Covey
1) Be proactive - We always have the freedom to choose our reactions to stimuli, even if everything else is taken away. With that ability also comes the knowledge we do not have to live by the scripts that family or society has given us. Instead of 'being lived', we accept full responsibility for our life the way conscience tells us it was meant to be lived. We are no longer a reactive machine but a proactive person.
2) Begin with the end in mind - What do I want people to say about me at my funeral? By writing our own eulogy or creating a personal mission statement, we create the ultimate objective or person first, and work backward from there. We have a self-guidance system that gives the wisdom to choose rightly, so that whatever we do today is in line with the image created of ourselves at the end.
3) Put first things first - Habit 3 puts into daily action the far-sightedness of habit 2. Having that ultimate picture in our mind, we can plan our days for maximum effectiveness and enjoyment. Our time is spent with the people and the things that really matter.
4) Think Win/Win - One person's success doesn't need to be achieved at the expense of the success of others. In seeking Win/Win, we never endanger our own principles; the result is a better relationship - 'not your way or my way, a better way' - created by truly seeing from the other person's perspective.
5) Seek to understand, then to be understood - Without empathy, there is no influence. Without deposits in the emotional bank account of relationships, there is no trust. Genuine listening gives precious psychological air to the other person, and opens a window onto their soul.
6) Synergize - Synergy results from the exercise of all the other habits. It brings forth 'third alternatives' or perfect outcomes which cannot be predicted from adding up the sum of the parts.
7) Sharpen the saw - We need to balance the physical, spiritual, mental and social dimensions of life. 'Sharpening the saw' to increase productivity involves taking the time for regular renewal of ourselves in these areas.
Dale Carnegie (How To Win Friends and Influence People , 1936), proposed that we don't truly influence a person until we like and respect them first. Never criticize, condemn or complain. Be hearty and sincere in approbation, be lavish in praise.
Carnegie's principles:
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, 'you're wrong'.
If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Epictetus: It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
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