Throughout my life music has been about perfection. I was criticized when I was wrong and harshly reprimanded. I was rarely praised for the work and effort that I had put in. I was not praised for the progress I had made over the many years. The joy of music quickly disappeared and so did the practicing. The cycle continued until music became another check on a college application. Music has been a huge part of my life, to the point where I cannot remember not playing the violin. I want to regain my joy for music and demonstrate it through my playing. I want to stop my need for perfection and return to the anxiety free playing and learning that I used to have. I want music to be fun and healing instead of stressful. My mission is to work hard, improve, but also have fun. I want to play for myself and not for the expectation of perfection that was put on me. I want to realize that mistakes are okay and that’s how musicians improve. I want to recognize that not everyone is on the same level and that it’s okay if someone else has more skills.
My other goal is to not only bring joy to myself, but to bring joy to others who listen to the music I play. My parents own assisted living facilities so I grew up surrounded by the elderly. When I was a younger violinist, I would go to the buildings and play my songs for the residents there. Even when I would mess up in front of them, they always smiled and clapped. That may have been because they had no idea I messed up. The smiles that my music would bring made it all worthwhile. As I got older I stopped playing for the residents. I got nervous and anxious and I hated messing up in front of them. My own anxiety affected these elderly residents. They went from hearing music many times a week, to going years without hearing me play. I want to start making people smile with my music again.