Exploration of Self

"We desire to make a mark"

Preface: High school was a difficult time for me. Aside from the family problems I had at home and social problems I had at school, I was very self-conscious and had little to no confidence. I believed there was a limitation to what I could create and had a fear of failure and not being good enough. I wanted to create. I wanted to push myself. But the fear of creating something worse than what I accomplished in the past held me back. Reflecting on my younger self now, I see hesitancy was apparent in my art. As you'll see, through my gap year, I spent the year pushing myself both in exploration and style as well as my own drive.

Drawings from when I was in high school. All of my drawings were of sculptures in pencil with a white background. I didn't feel confident to use color.

I had spent 5 weeks in France working on three different farms speaking French with the people I stayed with. I had taken 5 years of French in school, but this was a completely different experience. Culture, common phrases, and variations in accent were unknown to me. Many times, people were pretty friendly when I struggled to say something or understand what someone was saying; however, there were also many times people weren't as friendly. When I traveled to Chateauneuf, a bright, humid town in the south of France, I was confused with some of the directions given on how to arrive at the farm. I ended up taking the wrong bus, being dropped off 3 miles away from where I was supposed to be, and there were no sidewalks-- just different grassy hills between houses. I, embodying a stereotypical American tourist to a point, dragged my suitcase up and down those three miles worth of hills. When I arrived an hour late, the woman said "you don't speak French well at all, do you." In some weird humor, I agreed with her. Later when her son was explaining to me about all the tasks to do around the farm, I understood every word of it. I continued to converse with him in French for the rest of the time.

By the time I was coming home from France, I experienced a surge of confidence in my ability and independence.

I began to incorporate colors and experiment with style. Pens and markers felt too permanent and I tended to stay away from them. On the left, I used watercolor and pen to make a picture of a reference photo I had and on the right, I was drawing from imagination--which was something I rarely, if ever, did.

Another thing I was scared of was making really dark shadows. In my previous drawings, most of what I make is lightly shaded or made with lighter colors.

The art I liked and the art I produced weren't congruent. I remember being annoyed with myself because of this since I didn't like the style I was drawing in. In this picture to the right, about halfway through my time in France, I really pushed myself in how I shadowed the portrait. I think I was becoming comfortable and confident in producing drawings for myself rather than achieving a specific outcome of them looking good. In the comfort of myself, alone in an attic in the French Alps, this was the first time I went into creating a drawing with no expectations, to make something I was really proud of.

Attic in Entraunes, France: The second farm I WWOOFed at

After learning I would never travel with a suitcase again, I packed my 70L backpacking pack and New Zealand tourist book and headed to New Zealand.

I had no plan other than the 5 days I had booked for a hostel in Auckland. On day 4, I still had no plans for where I was going to go or what I was going to do. On top of this, I was really ill (keep in mind the drinking age in New Zealand was 18) and was partially delusional from this. I ended up taking the first job offer I had: to be a zucchini farmer in Kerikeri. In this delusional state, I became a lot more experimental with using color and making risks in my drawings-- I wasn't thinking too hard about what I was making I just was following my train of thought. After working a week for 14 hour days in the sun with a fever, I left and went back down to Paihia. Paihia was a little beach town with a population of around 1000 people. I loved how different this was from anywhere I lived and decided to work there. I ended up staying there for about 2.5 months housekeeping at a hostel for free rent and waitressing at the fanciest restaurant in town having no restaurant experience. For me, this combination was particularly ironic and hilarious. In the morning for housekeeping, I would hose down beds where drunk people forgot where the nearest bathroom was, and by the night time, I was serving $150 wine to uptight customers.

Aside from working, I spent a lot of time on the beach listening to music and reading or drawing. Looking back on how my previous experimental drawings were working out, I began to make drawings that matched my style and focus better.

My senior year was particularly difficult for me, but I have worked to combat my depression. I was finally able to use my drawings as a sort of diary that helped me process how I was feeling in a way. Unafraid of making mistakes or someone not understanding it, I drew for me and only me. This helped me feel understood by myself and gave me time to process through how I was feeling

Self portraits I made when I got really sick; part of a series of portraits helping my process who I am as an individual

Drawings I used to process my feelings

A picture with flash-- I included writing in the background of many of my pictures

Becoming comfortable with drawing a face with no reference

Self-initiated drawing

After becoming comfortable and confident in who I am as a person, I was able to fully embrace this class and experiment with what I created. I felt there were no limitations to what I could make and I could be experimental in both my thought and design process. I wasn't afraid to create something that wouldn't turn out-- this ultimately allowed me to be more creative.

Creativity is the driver of change. Now that I've begun to embrace this tool, I've opened myself to learning about design more holistically.

Backpacking on my own tested both my independence and resilience.

Embracing different challenges, situations, and people forced me to confront different parts of who I am as a person and flared up my weaknesses. Confronting these, however, helped me grow as an individual. I became more confident in myself without needing other people's affirmation. No longer needing justification, I felt free to be creative with no judgment holding me back. I discovered where the source of my passions is: in exploration. And knowing where I wanted to go: to make an impact no matter how small or how many times I fail.

I had a good grasp of myself as an individual-- my corner in life-- but I needed to turn around and begin to explore the space behind me. It was time for me to understand others' corners of story.

Click the Story tab to learn about how I learned about others' perspectives.

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