for the modern paladin

By Anna Abanes from 12-Charity

Illustration by Ana Lim

who would have thought that righteousness was a sin?

it came to me at night, in between my rosy dreams

with slitted eyes and white scales, it wrapped around my arm

it told me that i had been wronged, and that the law was on my side

and i believed it when it told me that justice was fair

i believed it when it told me that justice could get me there

anger in my leather scabbard, arrogance in my sheath

a hand around the wicked, a hateful look and a squeeze

in my haze, i do not ask: what is justice?

was justice giving the wretched what they rightfully deserved?

was it an eye for an eye, was it a tooth for a lung?

was it two parts revenge and two parts karma?

was justice the right answer to an evil, to a crime?

do you believe that justice was just a matter of time?

i believed that on this earth, humans are instruments of deliverance

that in order to protect the peace we all referred to as utopia

i must cleanse it from impurities and ignore the blackening of my blade

i was not the first to have mistaken justice for wrath

and i would not be the last to ignore the emptiness in my heart

though i was not the first to have avenged a thousand lives

i would not be the last to have taken a thousand more

i would not be the last to forget what i had sinned for

the white curse wrapped around my body and pointed its tail between my eyes

and in its beady gaze, i could clearly see what Justice thought of me

how foolish i had been to think that justice was fair

or that parrying evil with sin could have gotten me anywhere

how foolish of me to think that mercy could not have gotten me there