为什么你的文书需要修改 （学生实例）

例 1: He is just like a gentleman among the hippies.

Comment: Delete this sentence. There are lots of hippies at Berkeley!

例 2: I got a kit of a Panzerkampfwagen VI Tiger tank model and I was so excited!

Comment: Well… that’s a model of a Nazi tank. I know you are unaware of it, but you MUST change it to another model name.

例 3: In Disney, we took a photo with a distinct-looking Latina girl, who had short brown hair and brown eyes. She wore a pink T-shirt …. (More descriptions)

Dora the Explorer. An American children’s animated series, and a TV staple of any 2000’s baby. The show centers on Dora Explorer Marquez …. (More descriptions)

Throughout the show, Dora overcomes a multitude of obstacles to reach her goal. Even if she has to cross a troll bridge, row a berry across a cereal bowl, and fly a hot air balloon ….(More descriptions) However, I never fully understood her grit until I face a true obstacle of my own.

Comment: Are you applying to colleges, or is Dora?

例 4: However, the beauty of God’s creation is like a joke. Why beauty is beauty is cruelly about its scarcity, just like the perishable youth.

Comment: Avoid remarks that could offend a religious AO.

例 5: And that’s why I’m applying for your Tendon School of Engineering.

Comment: Are you eating beef tendon while writing this? It should be “Tandon” :-)

例 6: My teammate could also be a very “person” person.

My teammate is also very personable.

例 7: Every night we camp, on the edge of dropping asleep I would go out and dig holes for people to do bathroom business in.

After a tiring day, on the edge of dropping asleep, I would still dig latrines for other campers.

例 8: I know that *** has done quite satisfactorily in comprehensive aspects.

I’ve witnessed ***’s phenomenal academic ability and dedication, strong communication skills and leadership, and various talents intertwined with arts, sciences, and sports.

例 9: One day, quietly looking out the window, I suddenly realized that the world is infinitely beautiful.

One day after a storm, quietly looking out the window, I saw a tiny sparrow fluffing itself up, quivering as it dried its wings before flying off to its own life that I may never know. I suddenly realized that the world can be infinitely beautiful.

例 10: If there’s one thing this taught me, it would be to not be afraid of making mistakes. If you really want something then work towards it.

If there’s one thing my coding experience taught me, it would be --

while (unsuccessful) {

tryAgain( );

}

例 11: I worked till very late in front of the computer, and fell asleep, and I woke up so tired.

I woke up to find a strange creature staring back at me through the black computer screen. It had wild hair, bulging eyes, and several rows of square red marks across its face, staggered half a unit apart vertically.

例 12: I wish I could witness the publication of ***,

I wish I could witness the publication of ***. I also wish I could have discussed with Max Schur about it, especially his interpretation of the Irma dream.

例 13: In my free time, I like to play LEGO. There are so many things you can make with it!

As George Bernard Shaw once said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” One thing I love to play is LEGO. Six 2x4 LEGO bricks. 915,103,765 configurations. Infinite potential.

例 14: I founded a national organization empowering students to help their communities during the COVID-19 pandemic. (Common App Activities Section)

National organization with *** members and *** chapters. Raised $*** and *** tons of food, PPE, and clothes. Held awareness events across schools.

例 15: Community service through the arts (Common App Activities Section)

Taught art lessons to preschoolers with special needs. Drew cards, placemats, portraits for various charitable causes.

例 16: I won 2^nd place in the Annual JCSB Essay Competition (Common App Honors Section)

Comment: Besides well-known acronyms, such as UN, WHO, CDC, and USAMO, you must spell others out.