主文书修改范文

这位同学报考的是兽医学预科，最后被该专业排名最高的几所大学录取。请大家对比一下学生原文（411字）和纽约顾老师工作室的修改版（640字）。

经学生允许，原版和修改版为纽约顾老师工作室所用。不得转载和盗用。

修改前：

The frail little bird sat on the damp leaves below the tree. We found it there, unsure of where it came from, but knowing that it shouldn’t be there. Being that I get excited about every little living thing, no matter what it is, my 9-year-old self saw the little bird and immediately insisted on bringing it inside. I thought of all of the things we could do for it. We could feed it, we could house it, and warm it up so that it would be all cozy. I was ready to bring this new and wild little life into my care.

It wasn’t that simple though. My dad came out and looked at the baby bird alongside my brother and I. I started talking to him confidently about how we were going to take it inside, nurse it to health, and take care of it. He told me we were not taking it inside. I argued this. I wanted to take the bird in. He said we would call an animal sanctuary to bring it to the next day. I teared up knowing that I couldn’t take the little creature into my house. I argued more and more to keep the bird under my care, but my dad didn’t take it. He set a small hand towel over the weak baby robin to keep it warm. We all went inside and I cried. I told my dad how horrible it was, that it was going to die.

I walked down to the ivy patch behind my house where we had left the little bird. I lifted the towel, and it laid there, lifeless. My heart broke. I knew we should have taken it inside, thinking it could have had the chance to survive.

Now that I look at this event from the past, the question really is did I do all that I could? Although it seems like I didn’t, I did. That baby bird was on the ground in the hands of nature. Not in mine. My 9-year-old self did all that I could, and even though I did not take that little bird into my house, it certainly does not mean that I am incapable of solving problems. When one puts all of their effort into something, they have succeeded. The result is not what defines you, it is the work that you put into it, and if you’ve put your all into it, that’s what counts.

修改后：

Yes, it was that time of year again. I put on a jacket and ventured outside, the spring zephyrs caressing my cheeks. Picking up some fallen rose petals, I walked over to the ivy patch and gently placed them atop the smooth, gray rock that rested above a raised mound of dirt. As the birds chirped, the squirrels chattered, and the flowers bloomed, I thought about the life that I could have saved.

On this day, eight years ago, I returned home from school to the sight of a baby robin in my backyard, lying on the ivy patch and struggling to even stand upright. I glanced around, but not being able to determine where this frail creature came from, I cradled it in my arms. I had always been fond of animals since childhood, and stroking its fluffy orange belly, I had a sudden urge to transport it inside and nurse it back to health in the safety of my home. At that moment, I set my heart on taking it in. Turning around, I was about to step inside, but my dad blocked the doorway and was slowly shaking his head no.

Puzzled, I stopped in my tracks. I explained that this animal was in need of immediate assistance, so if we had the means to help, we should help. I even mentioned that if it proved to be too much of a hassle, I would take all responsibility for its care. However, he was still opposed to bringing it into the house, but agreed to call the animal sanctuary the following morning. Vehemently, I clenched my fists and protested repeatedly with increasing frustration that if it did not receive tender treatment now, the robin would surely perish soon, but to no avail. Tears started trickling down my face shortly afterward, because my anger had morphed into despair. My dad then placed his hands on my shoulders, and I took one last glimpse of the lump under the towel. We walked inside together, and I noticed that his shoes, too, were soaked through with moisture.

At the crack of dawn, I scrambled out of bed and bolted out the back door. I rushed over to where the white towel was, and gradually lifted the cloth. The tail feathers on the delicate robin’s body rustled with the chilly morning breeze, but aside from that, the lifeless body lay completely rigid. My legs buckled, and I fell to my knees in shock. No, I had thought, this could not be happening! But no matter how much I grieved over it, and no matter how much I regretted not nurturing it inside my warm cozy home, I knew that this robin would not come back to life. Nature had proceeded with its due course, and this was the unmistakable outcome.

Reflecting on my actions back then, I pondered whether they were correct. Did I truly exert the entirety of my effort? I had lived for the past eight years believing that I had been indirectly responsible for that bird’s premature death, but I realized that actually, its physical condition was beyond salvation. My dad must have already known that the poor robin would not even make it through the night, and by denying its entry into our home, he had merely wanted to spare me the additional anguish of watching the bird gasp for its last breath inside. Thus, in reality, I had not failed to save its life, and instead succeeded in my efforts to convey my fervent desire to save its life. One should not be defined by the consequences of their endeavors, but rather by what has transpired throughout that process.

As the birds chirped, the squirrels chattered, and the flowers bloomed, I thought about all of the lives I would be able to save. And I smiled.