My Testimony of "Faithfulness"

It’s difficult to give your testimony when so many of your memories are missing. I live with something called dissociative amnesia, a mental condition. It basically means I’ve lost pieces of my own life story because of trauma. Most of my memories—good and bad—are locked away. Weddings, birthdays, holidays, even watching my kids grow up—gone. I rely on photos or the stories of others to remind me of what happened. For a long time, that left me feeling disoriented, fearful, detached, and out of control.

That’s the irony of me sharing God's most amazing work in me, cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit—faithfulness. Because for most of my life, I struggled with control. And control is the opposite of faith. For survivors of trauma and abuse, control feels like safety. But I’ve learned that when I try to control everything, I push God out. And when I surrender control to Him, His faithfulness meets me in ways I never imagined. I now pray to daily focus on Him, His will, and my sphere of influence. 

My story starts early. I was abandoned as a baby by my mother, raised by my grandmother who wanted me put up for adoption because I was illegitimate and mixed-race. My mother eventually returned, but I grew up surrounded by alcoholism, neglect, and domestic violence. At five years old, I testified in court against a neighbor who had sexually abused me. 

By 16, I had already survived trauma after trauma.

And yet—God was there. Even when people failed me, He was faithful. Hebrews 11:6 says, “Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” In those moments when no one else could be trusted, I believed God was real. He was the only one I could put my trust in, and at 16 I gave my life to Christ. 

Even after I became a Christian, abuse and trauma still followed me— robbed at gunpoint, date rape, and even sexual abuse from a trusted pastor twice my age  By 18, I had attempted suicide twice and struggled with an eating disorder. My life was spiraling, and I felt completely out of control. My only peace and comfort at that point was in the arms of my Lord.

As an adult, I was able to hide things that were going on with me personally by soaring with success in my professional life. I obtained a bachelor's degree and a master's degree. I held professional positions at the Walt Disney company, Walden University and even NASA for a season. I became a writer and facilitator for professional business programs and a public school teacher. I published a children's book.  

But my need for control kept me running—from people, from pain, and sometimes even from the God who loves me more than anyone. 

My first marriage, I married young, and it lasted 17 years. We lived through cycles of love, loss, abuse, and grief. Behind closed doors there was domestic violence. We lost a child in miscarriage, and I sank into depression. We buried loved ones, moved across the country, and I lived through seasons of isolation and pain. In the end, the marriage to my kid's dad ended in divorce, and I carried the heavy shame of that brokenness.

Afterward, I told God I would never marry a Christian man again. I didn’t want scripture twisted against me or to be told to “submit” in ways that left me feeling powerless. So I married a non-believer instead. That marriage lasted 14 years. It wasn’t marked by violence or drama, but it still ended in brokenness. By then I was exhausted—spiritually, emotionally, and physically. My control had failed me again.

And yet, even in the wreckage of both marriages, God remained faithful. He was the only one I could trust, the only one who never left.