This game sucks. If you’ve read all of these things, you’ll know that I’m the king of playing 6/10 games that no one really cares about and in those write ups I try hard to find the good in each game. I made Operation Wolf and Crazy Castle seem like they’re actually decent. I don’t know what possessed me to actually finish this game, so the fact that I was willing to is maybe its biggest strength. For as horrible as it is, something in there kept me playing it.

Believe it or not I was once looking forward to this forgotten N64 game back in the late 90s. The N64 didn’t have much going for it at the start and this helicopter game in the style of the Strike series was one of those early games that was teased for years. It looked horrible by the time it came out, but since I’m in the mood to explore some N64 stuff I picked this up. It’s almost unplayable, with absolute dog shit aiming and shooting. I never felt like I was successfully hitting anything. It attempts to have mission objectives but essentially bails on the idea by the third stage. My favorite part of the game is the absurd Continue screen that features a giant thumbs up that slowly tips toward a thumbs down. When you let it hit “No” the game calls you yellow and after it fades to black it throws in one more “yellow” to put you down further. When you hit “Yes” it tells you that you’ve got guts. I hit “Yes” a lot, so I did in fact have guts. Maybe this screen was the reason I saw it through?

Added: April 4, 2023

I was always under the impression that the Wii version of WarioWare wasn’t particularly good, but upon firing it up I was having fun with it almost instantly from the goofball title screen, to the opening cutscene and then the first round of mini games. This is the ridiculousness I was hoping for, and it was delivered from the moment I hit start.

Smooth Moves is the kind of game where you need to be willing to play by the game's rules to really appreciate what it’s doing. Each mini game is tied to a different way of holding the remote, and each of those methods has a fun explainer screen showing you how to do it. You’ll need to balance it on your hand, put it on the floor, or stick it to your hip. My guess is most people would not be willing to put the remote up to their nose like it’s an elephant trunk, instead figuring out another less embarrassing way to hold the remote and win the mini game. But you have to be willing to be the elephant the game wants you to be. A little bit of humility is required to get the most out of this. I had a blast with it.

Added: April 4, 2023

As many times as I’ve seen Raiden games, I never stopped to play one. Off the top of my head, I’m pretty sure I have one for the PS2, but that’s about as far as my experience goes with these. I had the chance to play Raiden 2 on an original cab set to free play, so I took that as my moment to dive in. My nephew joined me for the ride, and we plugged away until we were eventually victorious. It probably would have cost us like 50 dollars each the way we were blowing through our lives.

So yeah, this was hard. I’m not great at shooters, but I’d say I’m better than average and this still kicked my ass. I was super impressed with it though. There is some amazing pixel art in this and the attention to detail is incredible for its time. The explosions from your bombs are awesome and the fact that you’re just wiping out entire forests down below you adds a sense of scale and devastation I don’t normally consider when playing a game of this type. Destroying minor enemy ships sends pieces of shrapnel flying across the screen, splashing down into the ocean below. Everything has weight to it. I checked out video of a recently released Raiden game and the weight seems like its missing entirely, instead opting for more of the usual bullet hell. Too bad. If I’d knock it for anything, at 8 stages long it kind of started to drag for an arcade game. I checked the total time on YouTube and this one is about 40 minutes long, which you feel when you’re standing at a cab. Cool game.

Added: April 4, 2023

We rented out a local retro arcade for my brother's birthday which was awesome. The moment I arrived I spotted Contra and played through it. My other brother joined me for about half of it. A while afterward I walked by a friend and he said “I’m surprised you’re not over on Contra” I replied with “I already beat it!” and we laughed. I was playing Raiden 2 afterward and I over heard my cousin saying “I’m surprised Phil’s not playing this. He probably already played it.” He was right.

The funny thing is, I don’t love the arcade version of Contra. I would never pass up an opportunity to play it though, especially on a real cab. Of course, I love and respect the work that went into the original and there is a lot I do like about it, but the NES version blows it away. The control just isn’t as tight, the guns are sluggish and this one was made to gobble up quarters so the difficulty is higher than the NES game (if you can believe that). I do really like how the last half of the game is all one stretch. What was broken down into 4 separate stages on the NES game is one continuous stage where you’re trekking through the mountains, through the factory and finally into the alien hive. It’s a really cool stretch and the seamless approach just makes you want to keep moving ahead. I kind of wish the entire game was laid out like this. I also love how the credits have little portraits of the development team. It's still a treat to play!

Added: April 4, 2023

Starting up The Conduit it immediately comes off as the most unremarkable run of the mill first person shooter. In the year 2009 when it was released it probably felt even more run of the mill, coming out in the same year as stuff like Borderlands, and Halo ODST. Reviews were universally on the low end with outlets like Edge going as low as a 4 out 10. Yeesh.

I had always been curious about this one mainly because I used to spend a lot of time listening to IGN’s Wii dudes hype this game to the heavens during their weekly podcasts. As an aside, being a Wii fan back then could be rather difficult as games media tended to shy away from the platform. It had “bad” graphics; you know? And god forbid they had to shake a controller to perform a function. Couldn’t spend time covering THOSE games. Pssh.

Anyway, The Conduit is fun enough. I was ready to turn it off during my first hour, but it started to grow on me as I got into it a bit more. The story is absurd, and it’s not doing anything remotely original, but the moment-to-moment shooting is solid thanks to the Wii controller. The controls are super customizable and playing a well-made FPS game with Wii pointer control is still somehow novel. The control is the game’s saving grace and that’s really the only reason anyone would be checking this out in 2023.

Added: April 4, 2023

This is a gorgeous game. I figured I should just get that out of the way.

Aside from the great look it’s a rather run of the mill platform game where the gimmick is that you have free range of movement (think a belt scroller without the fighting). The Animaniacs are basically defenseless, and the life system is absolutely punishing where you’re forced to rescue your siblings from the Warner Tower when you lose them (one hit and they’re out). You can win them back through the game's constantly moving slot machine which is powered by the coins scattered around levels. It would be a short, brisk (and better) game if it wasn’t for the hidden script pages scattered throughout stages to get the real ending. I found almost all of them on my own, but eventually consulted GameFAQs for the last few.

I knew my true feelings on this game ahead of the final showdown with Pinky and the Brain where you’re forced through a boss rush. I audibly groaned the moment I realized a Boss Rush was happening. Bosses I’ve already fought countless times trying to find all the dumb script pages, and they’re all bosses with slow, deliberate attack patterns so you can’t even just smoke them. Overall, a weak entry into Konami’s 16-bit lineup.

Added: April 4, 2023