My Story

Normally a person would start their story at the beginning of their life, but this isn't really about me. I was born in October of 2002 as my parents' first child and only daughter. In 2005, my parents decided to have another child. I don't remember much about this but I do suppose that I understood the whole idea of being a big sister.

There are some details that I would like to keep to myself, but in August of 2005, when my mom was 17 weeks along, my baby brother, whom my parents had named Jackson, passed away.

I don't remember being told that he was going to be an angel or that I would never meet him. In fact, I don't remember any of it. But I do know I felt it, and that feeling never went away.

My story is not that of a parent who had to hear the words that they would never meet their baby. Instead, my story is that of a little girl, just old enough to understand what was happening around her, who always wanted to know what she did wrong. I know that it wasn't my fault but even today, as I look at the concrete statue of an angel that sits in my backyard, I have to ask why. Why my family. Why my brother.

And the truth is, I don't know. No one who loses a baby gets to choose. We just have to accept that some stories are too beautiful for this world.

When I was still in preschool I didn't understand that there were some things that you just didn't talk about. That's how I ended up with stick figure drawings and arts-and-crafts projects with Jackson labeled on them. He was always drawn as an angel or a tiny baby.

As if he was still there.

In 2006 my brother Carter was born. He's the rainbow baby in my family, but for me, it was strange adding him into the mix. I don't think he understands what it means to lose a sibling. Not the way I do.

From there on out, I stopped talking about it. That sounds counterintuitive, I know, but until I started this project I just decided I would keep quiet. Last Summer I dove into the stories of other people, moms mostly, that had lost an infant and I realized that there are far too many people who want to speak up but don't have the power on their own. I want to help. More than anything else.

I'm starting this project so that others can heal. So that they can feel like they aren't alone. I know that there's an angel watching over me and I want to help others feel it too.

~Kendall