If your marriage is going through a crisis, saving your relationship can seem like an overwhelming mountain. In my professional experience with countless numbers of couples on the brink, I have identified five measures with proven effectiveness to turn the tide:
It may seem obvious, but couples who experience difficulties are usually those who have not invested in working for the success of their marriage. When you make the decision to commit, you decide to invest all the effort needed to save your marriage. When you hesitate and imagine what your life would be like if you married someone else or want your life to be different, you are usually not able to muster enough energy to move the relationship forward and re-energize it. .
When making this fateful decision, be aware of the consequences that divorce can have on your children and your finances.
Also, take into account that it takes two to tango and that finding a better partner is not necessarily a panacea, knowing that you may certainly encounter problems in your future relationships.
Finally, recognize that the unique challenges of your marriage represent growth opportunities for you and your spouse, and that there are ways available to you to turn this conflict into a constructive relationship. (Of course, this principle does not apply to abusive relationships).
Couples in crisis are often focused on everything except their marriage. It's so painful, but who can blame them? Even though we are “physically” married, many of us have disengaged from the relationship.
A key step to re-energizing your relationship is to condemn your emergency exits. Namely: to examine the various activities in which we invest all our personal resources, and to see if they have become substitutes for our search for pleasure and fulfillment in marriage. Aside from the obvious (and often fatal) exits of infidelity and illicit substance abuse, here are some common ways out that are on our schedule:
Work
The practice of a sport
Overeating
The care we give to our children
While many of these activities seem harmless, if one of the reasons you indulge in them is to avoid spending time with your spouse, it could be an escape route. Realize how you are shirking the relationship, and start blocking those escape routes by putting more energy where it matters.
Eliminate all name-calling, accusation, reproach and humiliation. An unhealthy relationship cannot flourish. The outbursts of anger gradually erode the love and trust that the couple have for each other. Instead, control your feelings and frustration by focusing on why your spouse's actions are bothering you. Replace accusations beginning with "you" (" You are never there when you have to") with sentences beginning with "you" to express how you are feeling ("I feel so overwhelmed").
Finally, learn to formulate your wishes. It is so easy to complain that we often forget what we are really lacking. Rather than focusing on how your spouse is ignoring you, share with him / her how much you yearn for his / her love and attention.
Not only will freeing yourself from the insidious effects of your marriage help you eliminate the poison in your relationship, it will make your spouse more open to meeting your expectations.
One of the painful realizations is this discovery made by married couples: “My spouse does not belong to me. In order to make room for each other, it is essential to learn to recognize that your partner may have a totally different view of the world than you do.
Get in the habit of asking yourself, "Is this a good time?"
We do this by learning to communicate more securely. When we speak, we seek to bond and make sure our spouse hears us. Get in the habit of asking yourself, "Is this a good time?" Rather than launching a verbal attack. If the goal is to bond, make sure your husband / wife is mentally and emotionally available to communicate with you.
The second step is when we listen. Try to enter the other's world by listening and understanding the other without responding or interrupting. Although things in your world might look quite different, be curious and take an interest in what your partner is saying. You might be surprised at what you find out.
Couples are so often caught up in their own world that it is difficult for them to understand each other's experiences. In a harmonious relationship, both partners are allowed to safely express their own feelings and can work together to bridge the gap between their respective worlds.
Working on any relationship presents challenges, especially when trying to save someone in crisis. This is why it is essential to instill in your relationship loving behaviors that stimulate positive energy. These love marks help lighten the mood and provide pleasure:
The best way to reduce resentment and reinforce positive behavior is to express our appreciation. When we share what we love about our spouse, we start to focus on what is going well in the relationship, and our partner feels that their efforts are appreciated. Rather than just a simple "thank you," sit down with your wife, look her in the eye, tell her what you like about her, and why it matters so much to you. By spending a few minutes a day on this exercise, you can eliminate a lot of negativity.
Even if you've been married for 40 years, there is still a need to date your partner. Make an outing once a week where you can enjoy each other's company. Whether it's dinner or a walk in a park, take advantage of this moment to enjoy this one-to-one relationship. By determining a fixed date, you demonstrate that marriage is a priority for you.
To love is a verb. We lavish our attention on our spouse / each other by performing benevolent acts. Everyone is different, so it's important to find the types of behaviors in your spouse that make them feel loved. Have him / her make a list of behaviors that he / she particularly enjoys, and try to practice one of these benevolent behaviors each day.
When we act with love, we are not only stimulating our own love for our spouse; we awaken his love for us as well. And when these concrete changes in behavior take place, we demonstrate that the relationship can really be different.
If your marriage falls apart, these five steps will give you a clear course of action to come out of the dark and give your relationship a fresh start. By respecting these five points, couples have succeeded in reviving love and mutual appreciation. Even if your situation seems dire, don't give up. Things can change a lot faster than you think.