Dear Reader,
What makes up a ‘person’? How do you know you are one, and if you are one, how do you know that you are complete? What if you change? Are you still the same person you were before?
I was struggling with these and other questions when I sat down to write Evie's Fall, the outcome of a disorientation brought about by extreme and permanent change: my son’s diagnosis of profound autism. In the process of trying to ‘rescue’ him, work at job in a dysfunctional atmosphere, raise my daughter, and stay married, I also underwent a reactivation of my own Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, originally brought on by my father’s death, who was killed while saving my family in a house fire that occurred in Boxford, Massachusetts at 2 a.m. on February 12, 1967, during one of the coldest winters on record, when I was 9 years old.
At the same time, my own body was moving decidedly toward old age, and my parents’ elderly lives had become unmanageable, causing tremendous stress on my siblings and me. I address some of these issues more directly in a long essay on my blog at sandrajkolankiewicz.blogspot.com .
As a result of these multiple and extreme circumstances, everything I knew about life was called into question. I began to wonder what creates a sense of identity, of "personhood," and how my sense of self had shifted dramatically. Through the course of discovering the elements that make up the essence of human identity, losing parts of my identity I had not even known I was dependent on, and embracing my new sense of self, I wrote this book.
At the beginning of the book, Evie Roberts is in many ways, but not all, what I did not want to become: old, bitter, angry, and isolated. If you know anything about PTSD, you’ll know that dissociation in one form or another and unresolved, often conflicting emotions often separate the survivor from others. Who wants to suffer through flashbacks 25 times a day?! I didn't. Telling Evie's story was like releasing steam from a pressure cooker. I felt if I could set Evie free, then I would be free as well.
So what are the elements of a "person?" I am going to list them in no particular order. As I do so, try to come up with a few descriptive words for each aspect as it pertains to you personally. By the end of the exercise, in many ways you will have defined yourself. You may also see how your descriptive words will change or have changed as you pass through different stages in the cycle of your life. More on this later in the Classroom and Book Club section of this site!
How does each of these concepts apply to you?
Religion Education Level Profession Family Sexual Preference
Significant Other (or lack thereof) Recreational Activities Politics Friends
Past Trauma & Mistakes Economics Social Systems Mental Health
Gender Identity and Assumptions Support Structures Past Success or Failure Culture
Physical Body and Health Dreams and Goals Spirituality Life Experiences
Creating a successful sense of self is, in part, dependent on where you fit in the world of what have traditionally been “Taboo Subjects.” What follows is a list of subjects you’d better not bring up in public unless you are around people who can handle them. On the other hand, if you are a “deep diver,” then most likely they are all you want to talk about. Other topics probably bore you! More on this later in the Classroom and Book Club section of this site!
Taboo topics include the following:
Money Sex Life Religion Personal Tragedy Events That Make You Proud
Events About Which You Are Ashamed Or Embarrassed Private Information About Others
“Immoral” Issues Politics Bodily Functions “Bad” Words Disabilities
Subjects Unfamiliar To The Listener Things That Made You Upset Or Angry Aging
Unfamiliar Culture Negative Attitude Complaining Parenting/Child Issues
As one is trying on a new sense of self, not everyone is comfortable with the evolving parts, nor about the things one might feel a need to express. Even you may be shocked at yourself! What determines if information about yourself, the parts you are shedding, the parts of you that are changing, is distasteful or threatening or worth holding on to with all your might?
Here are some determinates of whether or not your new messages about your identity might not be appreciated or why you, yourself, might not be able to deal with another person’s new form of self-expression--or with even your own evolving self. More on this later in the Classroom and Book Club section of this site! :
Age and ‘Generation’ Cultural Back and Experience Religion
Level of Education Familiarity with Subject Who is Giving the Message
Comfort Level with What You Believe the ‘Truth’ Is Personal Relationships
Medium of the Message Individual Comfort Level with Ambiguity
Personal Communication Style Conception of Social Structure and What Is ‘Right’
Comfort Level with Authority The ‘Tone’ of the Message Word Choice in the Message
Conception of Gender Roles and What Is Appropriate
In creating Evie Roberts, I gave her every characteristic that I did not want to have as an old woman. I made her stingy, meanspirited, judgemental, haunted by mistakes in her past, disgusted by her aged body and appearance, resentful of roles that had been forced upon her, and jealous of others who have moved beyond the boundaries to which she adhered in her youth.
Worse, reconciliation and righting wrongs is no longer possible, for the people who would matter are all dead. First, I took away everything she had relied on for her sense of self, and the immediate result is both physically and emotionally painful.
However, by the end of the book, Evie has reconstructed her 80-year-old personality, rediscovered parts of herself she thought were lost forever, and finds that she has surprised herself by growing in understanding of and compassion towards others. In many ways, Evie and I have had the same journey.
While I was finishing the manuscript, I saw my friend from high school, Kathy Mead Skerritt, announce on Facebook that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. As she prepared for and underwent the surgery and post operative treatment, she regularly posted drawings of her hospital experience. They were anguishing, yet somehow clever at the same time, brutally honest, full of hope, moving commentary on the experience—and gorgeous!!!! Here was someone who would understand Evie, I thought, and I decided to ask Kathy to illustrate my book. Thank goodness she agreed! While I was coming from a psychic injury, Kathy was coming from a physical one—with all the spiritual and emotional effects involved.
During this same time, Michael Leasure and Stacy Kinchen, both friends of mine from our Athens, Ohio, college days, were posting regularly on Facebook as well. Michael put up clips of his music on Soundcloud and from his radio station. Listening to his pieces, I marveled how music might enhance the story, sent a copy of the text to Michael, and he immediately began composing. At the same time Stacy was posting his own music and family pictures. After reading the first section of the book in which Baby Jimmy dies, Stacy shared with me the story of the death of his own brother, Jimmy, from an illness similar to polio and said the experience had affected his entire family emotionally during Jimmy's illness and after Jimmy was gone. Stacy was pleased to let me use his song, “Ralphie’s Lament,” in memory of his brother, and when I asked him if I could use a picture of his father in his Korean-era uniform to represent Jimmy Burke, Evie's love interest in the novel, Stacy agreed and offered up other family photos as well.
The best part of our experience? Throughout the process, we all encouraged and cheered each other on! Always positive! The ability to play with creative energy is a healing and thoroughly enriching gift!
Gathered on this supplemental site to the book are the original group of collaborators, sharing the efforts and energy which inspired the richness of Evie's Fall.
What’s next? A play, of course! With the music, the illustrations, and a wide array of technological surprises to help tell the tale!
I hope you will check out our Classroom and Book Club Discussion Questions. I’ve told you just enough to place the book in some kind of personal context so that you know its origins. However, there’s a lot more to talk about in Evie's Fall. Feel free to comment, and if you have questions, ask! If you would like to add to our Discussion Question Archive, we would be happy to post your questions—and we promise to cite you.
I wish that Evie's Fall makes you think about your relationship with all the different parts of yourself and the world--and that the experience increases your capacity for compassion and also brings you closer to peace in a rattled world.
Writing Evie's Fall certainly increased my empathy for others and allowed my spirit to ease its fretting. For that, I am grateful. I am grateful that you, dear reader, made it to this site, at this time, too!
Sincerely,
Sandra Kolankiewicz
Author of Evie's Fall