"Sherlock"

1. SHERLOCK: Done that. ... Done that... Done that bit ...Done that bit ... Done that bit... Hmm ...

2. SHERLOCK: I’m afraid, John, I can’t congratulate you. All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world.

3. SHERLOCK: Today we honour the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in time – one feels certain – our entire species.

4. SHERLOCK: But anyway ...... let’s talk about John.

5. JOHN : Please. 

6. SHERLOCK :If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. 

7. SHERLOCK: Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.

8. SHERLOCK: It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel.

9. SHERLOCK: ... and contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation ...

10. SHERLOCK: ... or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.

11. SHERLOCK: The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could

possibly have the misfortune to meet.

12. SHERLOCK: I am dismissive of the virtuous ...

13. SHERLOCK: ... unaware of the beautiful ...

14. SHERLOCK: ... and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.

15. SHERLOCK: John, I am a ridiculous man ...

16. SHERLOCK: ... redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I’m apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion.

17. SHERLOCK: Actually, now I can. 

18. SHERLOCK: Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss ...so sorry again about that last one ... so know this: today you sit between the woman

you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we

have a lifetime ahead to prove that.

19. JOHN: If I try and hug him, stop me.

20. MARY: Certainly not.

21. SHERLOCK: Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about John ...

22. SHERLOCK:What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John?

23. MRS HUDSON : Oh, Sherlock!

24. SHERLOCK: Did I do it wrong?

25. JOHN : No, you didn’t. Come here.

26. SHERLOCK: I haven’t finished yet.

27. JOHN: Yeah, I know, I know.

28. SHERLOCK :So, on to some funny stories ...

29. JOHN: Can you – can you wait ’til I sit down?