Embedded Files
Escaping the Failure Life Trap
Escaping the Failure Life Trap
Author - Priyanka Sharma ( Coach, Facilitator and Consultant)
How do you live out the performance life trap ? I was inspired by this life trap term by Jeffrey and Janet's book called "Reinventing your life". I think this trauma around "success" and how one can live one's life and the trauma around that lives in the collective unconscious of , which ideally , can help you uncover your talents and gifts and teach us values like authenticity , humility and empathy has become a race to become a "topper". Entire families are laying their bets on their children who will one day get into IIT and help them become "successful" and "acceptable".Anyone who does not want to or cannot is labelled a failure . I even saw a Yoga teacher advertisment , that he was from IIT. There is even a IIT baba who became a social media start during Kumbh Mela.According to Carl Jung , difficulties and failures are initiations to become our whole selves, to discover who we are under the facades we create to become acceptable and loved in society.
Growing up I never heard anyone celebrating anyone's failure. It was seen as a shame inducing thing , especially to fail in academics - like mathematics. It did not matter how beautiful a person you were or how good you were at building bridges between people. People who could not succeed in these systems ( both family and Societal) , might have developed a life trap called the Failure Trap. They might feel abandoned by their family and peers. They might hold themselves to such high standards that it became impossible for them to accept their wholeness and their beauty as seperate from what happens with their marks. This correlation people make between their right to live joyful happy lives, to think of themselves as worthy and external absolutely insane measurements is what is driving so many young students to suicide. Many adults carry this life trap well into their old age. They have the feeling that they are failures so why bother. They live small lives, accepting abuse and exploitation from those who succeeded in the system thinking they are less than instead of following their unique talents and gifts.
It is hard to shrug off the entire societies belief system. But let us look at it rationally-When you have a life trap that you are a failure or unworthy of love and affection because you did not get into IIT - Let us look at it rationally -There are so many people that absolutely love their dogs. Their dogs cannot get into IIT --- this means your lovability has nothing to do with getting into IIT.Out of the 8 billion people on Earth - not all of them have gotten into IIT.Does it mean they are all unlovable ? For e.g. Princess Diana is she unlovable? Every philosopher, psychologist, mystic who has ever spoken about love - has said - more or less- love is something that is given freely- not in exchange for performance. It is hard to accept that your parents , teachers and other authority figures are being foolish because we long to stay connected and to belong.
It is true and it is possible entire societies can be foolish , your parents can do you tremendous harm , if they give you love conditionally on the condition that you swallow your dreams , stamp out your own wishes and desires to do what they wish for you . They are being extremely selfish, either trying to live through you vicariously , or putting responsibility of their suffering on you - guilting you into getting them out of it.
Guilt and shame are very powerful and potent tools , used for millennia to control and subdue people from living their lives that feel true to them. Since , most people blindly accept these norms , entire societies reflect the insanity - think of Hitler's Germany .
The way to develop self-worth is to know what you truly are without the noise of society , without the expectations of parents and peers ( who are just exploiting your innocence). Tuition centers exploit your innocence and make the owners rich. Every race that you run only one person can come first. Life is not about winning the race , but changing our consciousness - to move more towards love.
That love has to start with oneself. If our self-worth and acceptance of ourselves is tied to how others see us only , then we can get into deep trouble. When you introspect deeply you can find a solid core your Self - that is courageous, creative full of love for life. This we get by being in the present moment and honoring the feelings and needs that come our way. It also means accepting that your parents and your society are not meeting your needs. It means walking alone without companions and not having 10000 likes on Facebook. It will mean that you are true to yourself, and you can accept that beautiful pure unadulterated joy that comes from not performing for love , acceptance and belonging. But to be in your true authentic beingness and seeing that other people's reactions are their own - and have nothing to do with you. You are just you- blooming in the rich nurturing soil of beingness of your true self.And light will come. And love will come. And happiness will come. And Joy will come. It wont be getting into IIT or IIM. It might be as simple as sitting in your living room drinking a cup of coffee and watching the monsoon rain - feeling happy and content - grateful for life. IT wont mean 10000 likes on Facebook, it will mean having that one true companion that knows all your dark shadows and chooses to stay and dance with them instead of running away. It will mean people that choose you - not your performance.
Learning How to Suffer
Learning How to Suffer
Author - Priyanka Sharma ( Coach, Facilitator and Consultant)
Despite what the personal development industry promises you , or tells you - suffering cannot be removed from life. There is no sentient being that is alive that has not suffered. There can be no guarantees for happiness , but there is definitely guarantees for suffering- we all, without exception , will grow old, fall sick and die.
We all will experience suffering from others ( heartbreak, betrayal , abandonment , we all will experience suffering from our bodies ( illness, not getting what we want and getting what we don't want) , no matter how much you love someone - there is a 100% guarantee that you will be parted from that person - when not in life than certainly 100% in death.Even if you are surrounded by the most loving people , they will become a source of suffering one day when you have to lose them through death.
Given the pervasiveness of suffering it is really shocking to me , the kind of delusional world we have created in our society. Now, suffering is the fault of the person that suffers - because they don't practice law of attraction enough , or they did not attend seminars by motivational speakers( who themselves are suffering) etc. The personal development industry is milking your suffering and self-blame for profit.
There are very few teachers like Marshall Rosenberg , Eugene Gendlin , Carl Rogers , Joanna Macy - from the Western world who teach us how to live with suffering and teach us how to truly take the grief, pain , suffering in our life and transform them into connection and action for the world.
The Eastern and indigenous traditions have known this since the dawn of time. The human world shook in it's foundations when Buddha declared the Noble Truth of suffering. It shook us from our delusions . Jesus suffered on the cross, Lord Ram took on the intense suffering of roaming in jungles for 14 years , barefoot and poor . Mahatma Gandhi wore a simple loin cloth and fasted for days , spent innumerable days in jail , all for the sake of his country- his life was marked with unbearable suffering.
Through their examples, these masters showed us that the only glory is in learning how to suffer - that after all that suffering there is something that will emerge - a way out of suffering and a wellbeing that no impermanent thing of this world can shake. This suffering will melt your heart- break it open , make it tender - and you will be able to see clearly how much , how much everyone is suffering. Then you will not walk past that homeless women in the street with apathy , you might see yourself in her. That part that is so afraid of being abandoned.
Learning how to suffer means:
1) Accepting that suffering is a part of life - it is not a reflection of you - it is the very nature of life itself
2) Accepting that everyone else is suffering too- they just have masks on with smiles painted on, which will fall soon enough - when you are truly willing to listen
3) Allowing the suffering to enter every part of you and to mold you , make you tender and learn from its wisdom
4) Developing the courage to be vulnerable and hiding your pain from others
5) Allowing the suffering of others to move you by being present to it , listening deeply to the suffering without deflecting , distracting and turning away
6) Suffering is transformed by listening to its wisdom. It will take different forms if you take medication or turn to addictive behavior. It will become a heavy store in your body and ask for your attention through migraines and other severe illnesses.
7) Learn the tools to stay present to it - Like NVC, meditation and focusing
8) Make it a practice to stay present to it.
You cannot escape suffering . If you are proud of your youth - you will grow old and frail one day. If you are proud of your wealth - you will have to leave it behind or lose it in calamities. If you are proud of your intelligence- there is no telling when a mental illness can sweep it all away.
The only way out of suffering is to learn how to suffer.
#meditation #nonviolentcommunication #sufffering #learninghowtosuffer #peace #focusing #Workthatreconnects #pain #compassion #empathy #lifecoaching #lifelessons #empathycircle
Compassion is not about being nice dead people
Compassion is not about being nice dead people
Author - Priyanka Sharma ( Coach, Facilitator and Consultant)
There is a very disturbing trend that I am noticing these days. This trend that compassionate leadership and empathy does not work , when one wants to get things done the soft approach doesn't work.
This belief is based on two assumptions:
1) That being compassionate means being "nice".
and based on this false assumption
2) That being compassionate enables bad behavior and doesn't work.
This is leading people to suppress/ repress their needs or not speak up , when someone is behaving in ways that does not meet the collective needs of the group or needs of the people involved. This is happening actively , where honesty is being punished in favour of a horrible, fake and enabling "niceness" that gives the enabler the feeling that they are "such nice people" because they don't have or recognize an internal compass of integrity and being seen as nice is more important than the larger picture of needs . The people who are enabled continue their bad behavior. And now , there can be no honesty because the whole system has become one chasing a fake , harmony and niceness that is only superficial but does not have the foundation or strength of true integrity, honesty which is needed for deep trust. They will do this by policing your language, linking malice to your intentions when you speak up- so most people will not speak up for fear of being labelled bad. Marshall said"We are not taught to think in terms of needs. We are don't make nice dead people when we are in touch with needs. Dominant structures cannot maintain themselves when citizens are educated to be alive" For example , if someone uses the space meant for group discussion and work to air personal problems, in this "fake nice" group , no one will speak up to stop them- for fear of being labelled as "bad". If you do speak up , you might get a message from a colleague " Can't you see her humanity ? How could you say that ?. And now, you don't be honest, you pretend you have to put your child to bed and leave the meeting ...This is how dishonesty is created in systems.Well the truth is this person using up the time meant for group discussion doesn't meet my needs for efficiency, effectiveness and productivity. This is also not aligned with the group purpose. This group is not a grief circle. Speaking up for my needs is the most compassionate thing I can do.I can also support this person to find a space to get empathy for their problems. In this way everyone wins.But in the fake nice way everyone loses , people start being dishonest and the whole systems suffers.
The most compassionate people I have ever met are also the most boundaried. I was once in a buddhist meditation retreat and there was a man there who kept interrupting the teachers with questions that showed that he was not listening and were challenging the teachers view point.The constant interruptions became really annoying because he would not let the teacher finish the sentence before making some statement . The junior teachers did try to help. In came the senior teacher , the man did the same with him. He explained to him twice, but he did not listen.The third time the senior teacher yelled at the man and told him not mincing his words, that he can listen , understand and then argue or he can be quiet. I learnt such an important lesson that day. I also had this assumption that being a "buddhist " and being "compassionate" meant I had to swallow my needs and pretend to be "nice". The way the senior teacher yelled he did not look nice at all. But he was the most compassionate person I had come across in a while. He cared so much for this student that he did not care about his self-image and how we appeared to us ( yelling ) , and that this scolding was required for this man's spiritual growth. After the scolding the man was quiet and made more attempts to understand before speaking. It also helped us because the constant nonsensical interruptions were affecting our learning.This niceness wave and people wearing "be kind" t-shirts without really understanding what kindness or compassion mean have been more damaging. It has led to censorship. I cannot speak for my needs because I will offend someone- regardless of their behavior and its impact on the group or society. If I do I will be labelled a bad person and excluded from the social circle or lose my job or other opportunities. This whole problem has arisen from our movement towards a narcissistic society where image matters more than substance , being seen as nice matters more than compassion , flattery and skills to navigate egos matters more than honesty.
If we want to build compassionate systems in our societies , workplaces and families , we all need to study what compassion and empathy actually mean , instead of working from assumptions. Much like the man, who was challenging the teachers without understanding what they were saying , we all need this kind of compassion , that corrects our wrong assumptions and puts us in the right path.
#CompassionNotCompliance #AuthenticCompassion #FierceCompassion #BoundariesAreCompassion #NotNiceDeadPeople #RadicalCompassion #CompassionWithClarity #CompassionAndTruth #StopPeoplePleasing #EmpoweredEmpathy #NonviolentCommunication #NVC #NVCinAction #CompassionateCommunication
What it means to be accompanied and why it is precious
What it means to be accompanied and why it is precious
Author - Priyanka Sharma ( Coach, Facilitator and Consultant)
When a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don’t stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven’t hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is a time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit.
~Robert Frost
Accompaniment is the act of walking with another person. The root of the word accompaniment is the Latin ad cum panis, to break bread with one another.
Change is hard and when faced with challenges - it is easier to give up or become overwhelmed when we feel alone and unsupported. In fact , research shows that it is not the bad thing that happened to us that causes the worst pain but that we were not accompanied with resonance and warmth that causes the impacts of pain.
“If your parents’ faces never lit up when they looked at you, it’s hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished. If you grew up unwanted and ignored, it is a major challenge to develop a visceral sense of agency and self-worth.”― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
It may well be a challenge , but it is not impossible. For business and teams this means that one of the ways in which we can support employees during times of change and challenge - is to accompany them. Accompanying means to go on their journey with them , without wanting to change their direction or fix it for them. It means listening to them without judging them negatively or positively. It means offering your presence as a witness - a witness that can offer warmth and understanding. Such accompaniment provides solidarity , deep listening, giving the person space to develop critical thinking and inquiry and to "walk with them" , rather than "do for them".
In a world where time is money , and all activities we do at work , need to be "productive" - this could prove difficult to measure. What is the "monetary value" of a person who walks with us every step of the way offering warmth and understanding - as opposed to an "expert" that provides solutions and advice. The reality is that we all need such accompaniment when we face challenges and the value of such accompaniment cannot be expressed. It requires time to be present for a person , it requires attention to understand , it requires skill to provide warmth and a non-judgmental presence.
To accompany someone is to go somewhere with him or her, to break bread together, to be present on a journey with a beginning and an end. There's an element of mystery, of openness, of trust, in accompaniment. The companion, the accompagnateur, says: “I'll go with you and support you on your journey wherever it leads. I'll share your fate for a while—and by "a while," I don't mean a little while. Accompaniment is about sticking with a task until it's deemed completed—not by the accompagnateur, but by the person being accompanied. (Farmer, 2013, p. 234)
It could mean eating lunch together , being present for them while they deliver a bad presentation , being attentive to them when they share their fear or doubts - without jumping in to fix or offer reassurance or provide advice. but to give them the space to work it out within themselves.
In the race for effectiveness and efficiency , we have neglected the very things that our bodies and minds need to thrive in this world. In our bid to overcome all challenges we have learnt to stuff down negative emotions and become compulsive addicts either of overwork , drugs or phones . Then we are hit by a pain and challenge so grand , that we cannot run away from it or our overwhelm. In times of great change and stress , accompaniment can be the key to help people assimilate the grief , accept the negative event and make the necessary changes that are required.
When people are accompanied they become more resilient. They are able to bounce back from set-backs and failures to try again. Those that are not accompanied , find it harder to bounce back and remain rooted in the pain longer. We need accompaniment to develop resilient students , resilient teams and ultimately resilient societies.
Source : Root Change Institute
The root change institute has developed a model of accompaniment that is interesting for working together in a team environment. The planning stage requires you to set aside the time, duration and frequency that work for you and the other party. The presence part is showing up in a way that support the other person. Providing moral and technical support refers to evaluating whether we provided the right empathy , and did we work in a way that was collaborative and helped the other person.
The tool can be downloaded here if you want to implement it in your team :
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OxD58JDC9sHkXgWlj6_Fjhvsyxr8MhHl/view
#accompaniment #empathy #empathiclistening #empathymatters #compassion #nonviolentcommunication #compassionatecommunication #non-violentcommunication #resonance #teamwork #resilience #change #buildingresilentteams #changemanagement #teamcoaching #lifecoaching
References
O'donoghue, Siobhan, "The Phenomenology of Accompaniment: A Journey of Transformation" (2020). Dissertations. 3810. https://ecommons.luc.edu/luc_diss/3810
RootChange. (2023, March 2). The power of accompaniment in partnerships. Root Change. https://www.rootchange.org/2023/03/02/the-power-of-accompaniment-in-partnerships/
Watkins, M. (2015). Psychosocial accompaniment. Journal of Social and Political Psychology, 3(1), 324–341. https://doi.org/10.5964/jspp.v3i1.103
A resilient hug. Relevance of accompaniment in cases of enforced disappearance - Peace in Progress magazine. (2022, April 7). Peace in Progress Magazine. https://www.icip.cat/perlapau/en/article/a-resilient-hug-relevance-of-accompaniment-in-cases-of-enforced-disappearance/
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse