*Content warning for the following piece. The following entry contains mentions of sexual harassment and assault, as well as specific depictions of domestic unrest and mental abuse towards children. 

Sometimes life deals you an odd set of cards. Growth stems from learning how to take those cards and make them work for you instead of against you. This story of growth starts with a girl, age twelve. She has a very picture-perfect life with her younger sister, and her loving mother and father; they are the core idea of a suburban picket-fence family. But there are things happening outside the scope of the perfect picture that this little girl doesn’t know about.

Hawaii is my favorite place. My mom told us the day before we left that we were going on a spontaneous trip for a week, and it was just going to be us three girls. My dad had just had back surgery and couldn’t leave the house. My favorite part about Hawaii is how peaceful it is for nothing can go wrong when you are sitting on the island’s beaches. It is an isolated world… a bubble. It was day three of our trip when that perfect bubble burst.

August 21, 2017: “L.A. County sheriff’s sergeant is charged after accusations he demanded sexual favors from a subordinate.”

My sister and I knew something was wrong very early that day. My mom could not get off her phone and was completely silent. It was a couple hours until we learned the source of her silence. Sitting on an empty beach, just the three of us, my mom explained what was going on. She claimed there were accusations about our dad, and that he was going to have to move out of the house. She claimed this move was only because he needed to escape the news vans. No other reason. She said the three of us were a team now. Just the three of us. She told us not to google anything. I think she wanted to protect us. I googled it anyway. “Sgt. Michael John Spina was arrested Aug. 9 and charged with two counts of sexual battery and one count each of false imprisonment and indecent exposure tied to his actions with the female employee.” There is nothing that can prepare you to read a sentence like that about your own father --someone you loved and trusted and who you believed could protect you from all the dangers of the world.

We finished our trip and flew home in a bit of a daze. My dad had already moved out by the time we returned. Throughout the next month, my sister and I would go over to our grandma’s house (where our dad was staying) once a week and sleep on a couch. During all of this there was one constant, my sister. Our parents told us that all four of us were a team… but it was easy to see through those lies. They separated a few weeks after the articles came out and said that it was only to keep assets safe, and that they still loved each other.

It was all bullshit.

One random day my mom just broke down. We were sitting in her car and she told us everything. That the allegations were true and that my dad had been cheating for years. Before that moment I still trusted my father and still trusted that everything was going to be okay.

Anger. That’s the first thing you feel. My dad had ruined my life. I had to be pulled out of school and move fully online because he was all over the news. I loved school… losing that outlet left me desolate. But my sister and I were in it together. We only had each other as constants as we went back and forth between houses while our parents fought over custody. A few months passed in this ‘routine’ until everything blew up again.

At this point my dad had an apartment and we were no longer sleeping on couches. The day started with my sister, and I being dropped off at our grandma’s house. My dad’s back was hurting and he “couldn’t handle us that day.” Little did we know, he spent that night stalking my mother. He picked us up the next morning and immediately took our phones. He forced me to tell him my password. I don’t remember why or how I did it, but I gave it to him. He used that to get into my phone to try and find my mom’s location. I cannot express the fear that sits in your stomach when you are twelve years old and you have to sit there, trapped, with no communication. And your sister is there too… the one person on Earth you would protect with your life.

I remembered that I could text on my laptop, so I pulled that out and frantically messaged my mother. I was shaking sending the message because I didn’t want him to find out. I didn’t know what he would do if he found out. He found out. He called me into the living room, and he was sitting there on his stupid reclining chair. The only nice piece of furniture he had ever bought. He sat there and made me give him me and my sister’s laptops. He then pretended to be me while texting my mom. He made me sit there and answer questions that my mom was asking to figure out if it was actually me. I pretended not to know the answers which only made him angrier.

He walked out of the apartment. The door slammed so hard that a painting fell off the wall. My sister and I ran for the landline to call someone, anyone. We were terrified that he had cameras in the house and would come back even more mad. He walked in while we had the phone in our hands. The phone didn’t even work.

I don’t remember exactly what happened next. I know my dad told me to get the fuck out of his apartment. I wasn’t leaving without my sister. There was no way in hell I was leaving her alone with him. My sister asked if she could ever come back if she left with me. He said maybe. She asked if I was ever going to be able to come back. He said no. So, we left.

My sister and I sat on the curb in our pajamas until our mom showed up. I don’t even know how she knew to come or how long we sat there.

Sometimes I wish that I was still eleven and didn’t know any of this was coming. But I know that I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now if not for those experiences. I learned how to be independent, how to stand up for myself, and when to let go of relationships. I would not be where I am today if I didn’t learn these lessons, though they were taught unconventionally. I would not trade anything to go back to my picket-fence family.