Dr. Robert Turner’s Explains How to Stop Blaming Yourself for Domestic ViolENCE

As Dr. Robert Turner has seen, self-blame is one of the most noticeable effects of domestic violence on survivors. Emotional and psychological abuse that they’ve endured for long periods can result in a significant self-blame mentality. If an abuser’s tactic, in particular, was gaslighting, survivors may find it difficult to shake off the idea that the situation, trauma, and injuries are their fault.

If you’re a victim of domestic violence, it’s crucial to focus on the concept that this is not your fault.

Turn the blame towards who it should go to

To overcome self-blaming, you must determine its root cause. For example, the abuser may be a partner or a family member. Dr. Robert Turner explains that these people are typically expected to protect and love you. And to have them abuse you may make you think that you were the one who did something wrong.

Abuse is never something you “deserve” or something in retaliation for what you may have done wrong. Remember that it was their choice to put you through the violence and the abuse. The abuse was not something you actively asked for—your abuser chose to raise a hand to you.

Remember that being good “some of the time” does not qualify them to abuse you.

A prevalent mindset of some survivors of domestic violence is that their abuser did not always behave this way. Dr. Robert Turner says that many of the survivors at counseling tried to explain that they had been loving and caring at some point.

But being good sometimes does not give them the right or the justification to abuse you at other times. At no point is abuse justified or “earned.” And the moments of kindness do not erase whose fault it truly is.

Dr. Robert Turner highlights that to overcome the self-blame mentality, survivors must look at themselves from an outside perspective and ask, “What did that person do to deserve the abuse?” Would the abuse still be justified if they were friends, family members, or a different person? Likely not. It’s time to care for your mental wellbeing and stop blaming yourself.