Does my story of a graced life lived under constant temptation to suicide fit into these contexts? I am not willing to share this and am not sure how it would be received. I am not particularly concerned about wearing the mask others see. But I think that some would benefit from knowing this story, or so my wife tells me.
The son of a pastor, I have been a Christian my entire life. I have taken this calling seriously and tried to live up to it. My father was influential in our church and had a reputation, nationwide, for holiness. He is known for his ministry and the lives he transformed. Having entered the world of church ministry, I was reminded of the grace he brought to so many lives. What is not known is the darkness that he kept within the walls of his house. I suppose one never knows what goes on in another family.
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There were rumors in my congregation and my father learned about my lifestyle from one of my siblings. He, my best friend and hero, told me he would not speak to me again. We had nothing to talk about since we had different first principles. I was a wreck and still today struggle to forgive him for this, years after his death.
At one point I could not stop thinking about killing myself. I was desperately unhappy and not able to do anything about it. I was hospitalized for three weeks. Nothing changed, no new diagnoses. I came back home and threw myself into work and the same lifestyle. I neglected my young son. I canceled meetings in the midst of a business trip and went to a psych ward again, this time in Minneapolis.
I now consider myself a very happy man. My family is patient with me and my wife loves me. I find great satisfaction in my career and am sustained by the Eucharist. And yet, every hour or so I am tempted by thoughts of doing something career or life-ending.
The modern Catholic spiritual writers whom I trust agree that sanctity is proven by our steadfastness in the midst of suffering. If this is true, then I failed during the years my life fell apart. And yet I do not despair of my growth in theosis or becoming a sharer in the divine nature. The desert fathers are clear: it is not by our integrity that we are saved but by humility and repentance.
Where am I now? I have some peace because of the wisdom of the Philokalia and a beautiful marriage. The logismoi are always with me but I am not afraid of them as I once was. Few know that I am bipolar; even fewer know the effect it has on my life. Perhaps I am no longer in the dark wood as I suggested earlier, but like a monk in the desert, constantly wrestling the demons.
Without glossing over the realities of his suffering, Le shares lessons he learned in the school of suffering, including new life is possible in Christ, allowing us to share not only in the Cross but also in the glory of the Resurrection. He also challenges us to embrace our own pain as a conduit of grace.
Listen to your life. All moments are key moments. I discovered that if you really keep your eye peeled to it and your ears open, if you really pay attention to it, even such a limited and limiting life as the one I was living on Rupert Mountain opened up onto extraordinary vistas. Taking your children to school and kissing your wife goodbye. Eating lunch with a friend. Trying to do a decent day's work. Hearing the rain patter against the window. There is no event so commonplace but that God is present within it, always hiddenly, always leaving you room to recognize him or not to recognize him, but all the more fascinatingly because of that, all the more compellingly and hauntingly. . . . If I were called upon to state in a few words the essence of everything I was trying to say both as a novelist and as a preacher, it would be something like this: Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.
~ originally published in Now and Then and Listening to Your Life
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What a lovely description of womanhood: loving sacrifice, strength to bear sorrows, faithfulness, support, each sentiment quite applicable to the work of being open to life, of being a mother. May God, through Christ and his Church, give us the grace to find a staid and steady happiness in the simplicities of domestic life. Our vocation depends upon it.
Brianna Heldt Brianna Heldt is a writer, has been a featured guest on BBC Radio, and her work can regularly be found in other online publications as well. A convert to the Catholic Church, Brianna explores topics ranging from faith and social issues to adoption and large family life. She and her husband make their home in Denver, along with their 11 children.
An opponent plays a storm combo, ending in Tendrils of Agony. In response I play Angel's Grace. After the storm of Tendrils finishes resolving, I am at -10 life, but I have not lost the game because of the Angel's Grace effect. If I take one point of damage (from something like City of Brass).
So, the remaining question is: does your life total stay -10 or become -11? My best guess (and it is a bit of a guess, to be honest) is that your life total becomes -11 because the "instead" just doesn't apply at all.
Whenever your life total would change, Angel's Grace applies if your previous life total is one or more and your future life total would be less than 1. If you were already at less than 1, Angel's Grace doesn't apply.
Do keep in mind however that Angel's Grace's effect lasts only until end of turn, so unless you raise your life total to 1 or more (or win the game, or bring a Platinum Angel onto the battlefield...), you will lose in the next cleanup step.
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Life can be very challenging for many of us. It seems as if when one area of our lives is in a good place another one goes disarray. I see life as a jungle filled with surprises, some good and some not so good. To have joyful life in the jungle, we need to become good at navigating it, and that requires developing certain skills. There is a secret to life with more grace and less struggle.
I have discovered that when I focus my attention on my breath, I can anchor my wondering mind and my heart beating slows down. I become present in my life without regrets from the past or worries about the future.
When we stop fighting what life is giving us we begin to learn and grow with the challenges bestowed upon us. Those trials are defining our path ahead. When we stop being warriors and fighters, we can settle into graceful living, where our hearts are filled with inner peace and, joy and our daily life is filled with tranquility and gratitude.
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