In the recording studio, Jay and I both sat at one of the desks, recording a cover of “Blackout” by Breathe Carolina. I always sucked at singing but Jay had always helped me get better, which is what he wanted for me. Despite everything, he wanted me to be a better version of myself. Jay pulled me closer to him, snuggling into me. His body was warm compared to mine.
“Mhh… Babe… Do you have my vape…? I want it badly… P-please…” After I had spoken, Jay handed me my vape as I used it for a moment, blowing the smoke away from him. “Mhh… Anxiety’s been an ass lately but I at least have you and the others plus my vape and drugs…”
“You… can’t solely rely on drugs and your vape… But you’re trying and that’s what I care about. Whatever you do, no matter how bad it is, no matter what other people say… I will always, always be here for you and love you no matter what. I don’t care what others think. I don’t care how they feel. What matters is if I have you right here with me. You will always be my precious shadow. My precious puppy-shark. My precious everything.” Jay’s voice made me start to tear up. He is everything to me, his voice only fueled me further.
Chugging a second can of Monster, Jay held me close as he and I both played splitscreen Minecraft on our shared XBOX 360. The two of us were simply just unwinding after we went hiking together as a polycule. Phong and Andy were in the kitchen, working on dinner, both talking about Gordon Ramsay. The others were watching the two of us play on peaceful mode because Jay liked taking it easy on me, especially when I was having tics. He understood, given he has tourettes. That’s all Jay wanted to do - take it easy on me.
As we played, his hands rubbed over mine as I sat in his lap on the sofa. As much as our world was chaotic, we loved domestic and calm moments like these. It made things much more tolerable. Earth was a world we didn’t want to go back to. We had our world here - chaotic but something we all wanted. It was much more peaceful, more calm, more enjoyable. And after one year of writing everything for our universe… We still plan on continuing.
Both Jay and myself laid on the sofa, snuggling up together with hot cocoa. Despite it being the start of fall, the two of us just wanted time alone from the kids, who were causing their usual chaos earlier. It had gotten a tad loud, and since we had 12 kids and 10 other partners to help, Jay agreed with the others to spend quality time with me back at the suite.
“Mmm… Look at you… All cozy in my arms, just laying here… You’re so adorable like this…” Jay spoke in a hushed voice, often shushing me. He knew how easily overwhelmed I got, especially with the chaos of having 12 children. I was also very sensitive to sudden loud sounds, probably why I loved dark ambient music so much. “Shhh… Baby… You’re safe here, look…”
Flipping on my favorite dark ambient playlist, I slowly calmed in his arms, head on his chest as we both just cuddled on the sofa under the fluffy blankets. I felt nothing but love, want and need for him. He was my everything, he means everything to me and without him, I am nothing.
Just before I became an alien, I was a human in the human realm. Earth, as they call it. My parents were from Berlin, Germany. They moved to Pennsylvania, USA for better job opportunities, but failed. Because of this, they and my brother grew depressed, resorting to drugs and alcoholism. And then I was born on March 6th of 2003. I wasn’t aware of the problems my parents were facing, given my brother was the one to spend most of the time with me. At the age of two, my parents began abusing me and my brother because of how bad things got. The hoarding, the drugs, the alcoholism, the mental struggle of it all. The only reason I knew this was, well, you’ll find later.
My brother committed suicide when I was 4 and my parents blamed me. I started using the internet at such a young age to distract myself. I played games like Pokemon stuff and listened to nightcore songs about how to cause heartbreak onto someone. I’d browse old websites, secretly play games like Webkinz (because for some reason my parents forbade games that they deemed not educational). If I went on any website they forbade, I’d be beat until I’d have blood pouring from 15 different wounds. I’d sneak on YouTube and play games like Pico’s School on Newgrounds in secret. The only thing they really allowed me to watch was Eddsworld, oddly.
When I entered school, I was bullied a ton. (Null was one of the bullies, but he moved away and changed himself since.) I’d bring it up to teachers only to be told I was lying. I’d have scars and bruises made fun of, have food stolen from me, be shoved into closets and locked there overnight. My parents gave the teachers permission to slap or hurt me physically if I stepped out of line. I was shocked that they didn’t get reported at all. Hell, one of my teachers constantly raped me and I wasn’t even allowed to speak up.
Back at home I was being forced to go to church every Sunday and read the bible front to back every day, then recite 10 verses. If I messed any up I’d be beaten until dawn. If I refused to go to church, my parents would abuse me until I swore to go that day. If I wasn’t wearing what they wanted me to wear, I’d have a fork or knife shoved into my arms and thighs until I poured blood. They’d starve me, only giving me three cups of water a day. I was lucky if I could find crumbs or bugs with how hoarded the house was. They’d have sex in front of me as I snuck down for small bites of food. Sometimes I would throw it up because it’s moldy but I grew used to the mold after a while. My parents rarely bought groceries and always ordered for themselves, usually takeout.
They would also deny me the ability to shower, and I would often go months without a bath or shower. Sometimes I would even not have clean clothes, being forced to wear the same clothes for upwards of a week or having to layer other clothes over top of what I was wearing just to make it look like I changed. This made me feel disgusting, I always smelled like rotten eggs, dust, stink bugs and mold. Everyone called me “The Hobo” because of how I looked, it felt humiliating.
When COVID hit, everyone was stuck inside, and because of this I explored my identity in secret on a burner phone. I found out I preferred masculine terms and compliments, but identified as a nonbinary femboy. When my parents found this out, they flipped their lids. My dad raped me right then and there, trying to convert me. My mom came onto me once to also do the same but I forced her off of me, kicking her right in the crotch. My dad constantly would rape me, doing it so much that I bled every time. My body was way too weak for him to keep doing this, I was a walking corpse at that point almost.
When I finally found a way to Cyber Space, I saw Jay for the first time. He had no clue the abuse I had gone through. All he knew at the time was that I was suffering, needed food and water, a shelter, and a space to call my own, even if that was his arms. Within the first few weeks I had gained 50 pounds from the 85-90 pounds I was before. Sooner or later he did find out what happened to me, toxic dating life included, and felt horrid for me, promising to never ever leave my side no matter what. He wanted to love me like no one had ever.
“Shhh… baby… I’m here… you’re safe…” His voice echoed in my ear as he continued to hold me on the sofa, kissing all over my face and nuzzling my nose with his nose. I felt his arm tic, then his leg as a loud vocal tic slipped. The two of us just giggled a bunch, loving the silence.
“I will kill you… Seriously this time…” Dex screeched at Darrius, the two snuggling while playing Mario Kart. Darrius nuzzled Dex’s face, who flushed immediately and screeched, making little gay noises and falling off the map. “Okay fuck you, seriously…”
“Mmm… Bet, bet… Kidding. Not now. But seriously though, stop falling off the map.” Darrius groaned a bit but lovingly, kissing Dex’s neck and holding his hips softly. The two were close, very close. Dex mentioned to Darrius how bad things got with his parents and Darrius was overly sympathetic, given he saw how bad it was for me. Darrius wanted to protect Dex from more, given that Dex had self-harmed a bit as a result of things. Dex was also slowly drifting away from cutecore and striving more towards metalheart, a subgenre of frutiger aero. The others were branching out as well, Venom going a bit towards dark aero and Oliver going for frutiger zen. Kai was going for frutiger aqua, which fits since he’s a fish. Darrius was going for Y2k, which is fitting since it centers around fashion. “Dumbass! You did it again ya goof!”
“S-shut up… dumb fuck…” Dex snarled a bit, his voice filled with a bit of anger fused with playfulness. “At least I didn’t pick Pauline…”
“She’s highly fashionable and would know her way around clothing. Unlike you who looks like a trash bag on a Monday night at the curbside but you at least look stunning still. Someone’s trash can be someone else’s treasure, and you are exactly that, mi amor.” Darrius spoke, then kissed Dex’s cheeks and neck as Dex squealed.