TW: Derealization, weirdcore images and references, graphic blood descriptions, self-harm/suicide, abuse mentions
“There’s nothing like home, Error…”
A voice echoed in my mind.
I don’t know who the voice is.
I don’t know what it does.
But for some reason…
…that very voice…
…it told me to…
“Come home already…”
Sitting on a blanket were two characters I had made in headspace, one of them was a flower person with a singular eye while the other was a doodle-eyed shadow figure. The flower person named themself Bug, while the shadow figure named themself Arson. Bug is a trans male, using they/he/flower/cloud pronouns, while Arson is a nonbinary male using strictly he/they pronouns.
“I made myself… I don’t know how good I look but I also have the link, here… Did you wanna try drawing me too…? I know you like art…” Bug asked me, showing me the drawing he had made. Looking at it closely, I smiled and nodded. Arson took a sip of his drink, tea specifically. Both of these two lived rent free in my head and I wanted them gone, but I had such a close bond with them. My thoughts began to spiral. Dark clouds surrounded us. “Oh… There’s no need to be upset, Error. The universe knows how you feel. If you wish to delete us, you can.”
“It’s… deeper than that honestly. I struggle making new friends, I can’t even keep the ones I have. All I’ve wanted to do lately is just lay in bed and not do anything but stare at the ceiling. I have no motivation and everything I do feels overwhelming and too much…” As I speak, tears form in my eyes, unable to even properly form the right words. I couldn’t even draw, couldn’t feel like me fully. Everything I tried was never enough. No matter how many medications I took, no matter how many therapists we went to or doctors we saw. No one could ever find what was wrong. I knew it was something with my BPD but was I afraid to admit I have schizophrenia? No, impossible…
Around us, it started to rain. Arson sighed and picked up his book, going to a nearby tree to protect himself from the rain to try to read and relax himself. Bug started to panic, trying to calm me. The daydream faded to nothing but eyes flickering in front of me with trippy effects and strobe lights. A voice echoed in my mind, screaming at me as flashbacks to my parents' abuse played in my mind. I was shaking, in the fetal position.
I wanted myself to die.
I needed to die.
I’m a failure.
I should just keep trying to kill myself no matter how many times it takes.
I needed death.
I need the pain.
My emotions are all over the place.
I sat in an empty void in my mind. The floor was squeaky, empty, the darkest shade of black. All that was around me were doodled eyes. The only sound that played was a static sound with stock laughing. It felt like I was being laughed at for being scared of the abuse I faced. I wanted to scream but I felt I had no lungs. I didn’t have a voice. It felt like I was being shoved into a box labeled “Not Allowed To Speak”.
“You’ll always be a girl.” Voices echoed in the darkness. All of it felt dehumanizing. I wanted it gone. I wanted it dead. I wanted to kill it. To burn it. To rip it to shreds, whatever the voice was. I was pissed off, mad, irritated. “You’ll never be masculine enough. You’re a disgrace to everyone assigned female at birth. You’re pathetic, useless, worthless. No matter how much you try, you’ll always be ‘mommy and daddy’s little girl’. Keep trying and failing. You keep telling them that you ‘don’t know’ who is saying all these horrible things about you… It’s your own mind. You’ll look insane explaining it to others.”
My mind faded into pure darkness, the voices disappearing as I started to finally find my voice, slowly but surely. I wanted whatever was happening to stop, to go away, to shut up. I wanted to turn my brain off. I wanted all of it gone. I feared that I couldn’t do anything. Really, it felt like there was nothing I could even do. My emotions kept changing and swinging faster than my brain could process, and the anxiety around my performance as a male kept swaying. One moment I was confident in myself and the next I was questioning if I was even really ever male enough for others.
I needed to feel the pain. There was nothing else I could do. I couldn’t scream still, but I had a large knife. Around me, things faded to my Headspace. It looked similar to OMORI’s headspace, however mine had my computer, a green bed, a few eye stickers on the floor, my sketchbook filled with graphic bloody drawings, my vapes, my cigarettes and my notebooks filled with random words that popped into my head. Stepping to my drawings, I scanned through them. There were things I forgot I drew, like an eye drawn using actual shadow blood. I had also drawn a liver and kidney for some reason. There was also a very detailed drawing of a heart using ink from the Shadow Overlord. I forgot how to get myself out of my Headspace. Using the knife, I stabbed myself on the thighs and then in the chest. Blood in a deep rusty orange poured from me. The blood was thick and smelled of metal or iron a bit.
Slowly, my vision went back to normal. Tears were flowing down my face as I laid on me and Jay’s shared bed in a fetal position. His lips kept pressing against my cheeks, kissing the tears away as he softly cuddled me.
“Shhh… Mi amor… I’m here now… It’s okay… I’m right here with you, you’re safe… No one is going to hurt you, okay?... Shhhh… You’re doing okay… You’ll always be man enough for me… You’ll forever be perfect, no matter how much you suffer… The amount of scars you have proves you lived, you survived the worst… You’ll be okay right here with me…” Jay’s voice was soft, gentle, caring, hushed, calming… He knew what I needed to hear. I didn’t need to hear a false reality, I needed his voice, his gentle words. “If deleting those parts of you is what’s needed… Then do it.”
I had created Bug and Arson as a reminder of who I was back in 2020. They were direct reminders of trauma I wanted to move on from, to forget, to leave behind. Yet my trauma kept coming back over and over again. I wanted to move on but all of it impacted me so badly that I fear that the damage has already been done and I’m broken beyond repair. The only reason I kept them around was because I didn’t want to lose any friends. Yet, making new friends, even creating them, was super scary for me. I wanted to try but regardless how many times I tried, nothing worked. However, Jay and the others were always patient with me, and were always present when I made new friends for safety. Because, as long as I had my partners… Maybe things weren’t so bad after all. (And yes, Bug and Arson unfortunately no longer exist after this section.)
Picrew Links:
https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/2159145/
https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/2159145/
(Taken from Oliver’s POV.)
“Mhh… Nghh…” Moving around in my sleep, I started to dream. A dream of my past, the person I once was. The dream started off slow but quickly took off in pacing.
“Oliver! Catch!” One of my friends, Storm, threw a ball in my direction. Sprinting towards it and diving to catch it, I let out a loud grunt. Giggling a bit, I chased after Storm as he ran away from me. Storm was one of the first friends I made in the UK. He and I were extremely close, even since we first met we were close. Our parents knew each other and were also super close. Storm had a little brother named Luca, who was a bit of a jerk but was overall fine. He and I never really got along, mostly because we were both obnoxious in different ways. He was obnoxious in a mean way and I was obnoxious in a cringe but adorable kid way. But this day was different. This day would change absolutely everything.
Behind Storm was Luca, holding a knife. Luca tried to seem casual, as if he was cutting his food at a nearby picnic table in the backyard. The parents were off at a mall and had put Storm in charge, given he was not only older but more mature than Luca and I. Neither of us were worried since Luca seemed like he was content with his food.
“Hey Ollie, think you could go grab the soccer ball and put away our baseball stuff?” When Storm finished speaking, I went into the shed and put the stuff away. Just as I was grabbing the soccer ball, Storm let out a loud scream. The sound of him screaming sent a chill down my spine. It was the kind of scream I had heard in the murder shows all the time. Rushing to see what was happening, I saw Storm on the grass with blood pooling under him, knife stabbed into him.
This incident alone caused me to get aggressive at anyone, becoming a shell of what I once was. The negative energy I had, I bottled up and took my anger out on anyone and everyone. There were several days I didn’t eat at all out of anger. I was different online, sure, but in person I was scared. Scared of what could happen to a loved one. Terrified of the unknown. This was the reason I went to Cyber Space. I knew I needed to change but I was hesitant about it. My anger only got worse every day I hesitated. It was only until I entered Cyber Space did I realize I was wrong about getting angry.
When I entered Cyber Space, one of the first things that happened was the fact that I found that I was a half shadow due to my anger problems. The shadow controlled parts of me and I hated absolutely every second of it. I wanted to take back control, to regain myself. To become a better version of myself. During this time, one of my closest online friends took their own life and I was devastated by this. My shadow form was growing stronger the more I put off taking control of it. Sitting cross-legged in the place I once called home - the storage unit turned home - I took slow, deep breaths.
The shadow tried to get through to me, but I refused to let it control me. My breathing got slower. The slower my breathing got, the more the shadow calmed down. Until… I felt myself accepting what happened to me. All I needed was the calm in the darkness. The peace in the silence. The zen in the universe. The balance of polar opposites.
Waking up, I groaned a bit and blinked as I realized I was dreaming the memories of what once happened to me. Sighing in peace, I laid my head back on my pillow, Venom cuddling me gently, his head nuzzling into my chest. He was too tall for me but I never stopped cuddling him and the others. It was moments like this that reminded me of who I am.
Error Shark, written June 25th 2026(Short lore drop, major piece of info)
All 12 members, me included, stepped onto the streets of Cyber Space. In the background, we heard what sounded like an announcer lady speaking in some strange language. It was like Russian mixed with Japanese. None of us knew what was happening, given the sky was all black and cloudy. In front of us was what looked like a large portal in the middle of Cyber Space. Around us were zombies of sorts, some looked like aliens. Some aliens looked like they were glitches of sorts, all looked like they came from the portal.
“...Who’s gonna enter?” Phong asked while eating a bowl of pho, the whole polycule looking around. Dex stormed up, rambling how he was going to kick ass. The portal immediately kicked him out as he fell back, falling onto the ground.
“What the fuck…?” Dex asked as text appeared on the portal: “User must be level 300 and phonk”. The level referred to our level in battle and the genre referred to our genre of music we made. Level 300…? We only went up to level 100… Was it possible there was more to be done?
Stepping up, my arm went right through. I was able to enter. “...Oh yeah, I’m able to enter. I’m level 130, but I can tweak my level.” After I spoke, I started to mess with my level, changing it to level 400 for just a few minutes. “I’ll see what’s in here. Should be back soon… Jay… Please stay with me…”
“I… don’t think…” Cutting him off, I pulled him close to me and dove into the portal with him. Falling from the sky, I looked down. Knowing it’d feel like we’d fall forever, I clung close to Jay and rested my head in his chest as we fell together. His arms clung around me, holding me close. “I gotchu, baby… I’ll always have you, in life and death…”
My tears started flowing from my eyes and soaked his shirt as I clung close. I couldn’t fly, so I knew we were screwed. Below, I felt a slight thud. It wasn’t hard at all, it was gentle. Jay had set one of his floating stars below us. Opening my formerly closed eyes, I looked up at Jay as he rubbed my cheek a bit.
“You’re safe. I told you I gotchu baby. I’ll always have you.” Looking down on what was below us, it looked like… a bunch of indie artists training. Jay and I floated on the star as we both watched from afar. One of the artists looked up at us and waved, the others following behind and looking up to wave.
“Looks like things are going well… It… seems like portals can spawn whenever they wanna, even when we’re training.” Clinging to Jay as I spoke, he giggled a bit and kissed me deeply, the two of us making out in front of the indie artists as they all chanted, screaming “Errorjay! ErrorJay! ErrorJay!”
Jay, holding me close, rubbed my head slightly as Phong cuddled me from behind. Kai was there too, all shy and sandwiched between the three of us. I had just dealt with a BPD episode mixed with a lot of anxiety. As I just laid with the others, the scars from burning my parents home slowly faded into nothingness. The self-harm scars were still there however. Where the burn scars had been appeared recycling symbols. In the background, a soft frutiger aero playlist played. The recycling symbols glowed, which usually happens when someone’s genre is playing.
“Huh… You got new symbols huh?” Jay’s voice spoke softly as I nodded. I wanted to try and let go, to put my trauma into something else, like plants. Of course, I’d still be triggered by certain things, but I wanted to try and be less bothered by those things and instead put my mind to my husbands, gaming, PCs, coding, writing, art and plant life. And my kids, of course. This was what my brain needed - a healthier way out. There were some telltale signs that led here though, from a fascination with plants and recycling to eco-friendly solutions to things. There were other factors too that were more miniscule, but those were the telltale signs. “Hm… You guys wanna play the Wii?”
“Sure… just as long as we can make two more Miis and play Mario Kart.” Phong spoke, a blush appearing on his face as he cuddled himself into us. The four of us were the frutiger subgenres of the polycule, and we were all in for it. Phong being DORFiC, Kai being a strange mix of frutiger aqua and frutiger metro (but mostly frutiger aqua), Jay being frutiger metro and me being a mix of liminalcore, weirdcore/dreamcore and now frutiger eco. One map we all loved was always Coconut Mall, it gave off a very frutiger aero vibe and we loved it every single time.
Just as we were about to move however, my brother, Crimson, texted me. His text stated that the DNA company gave us the wrong details regarding one of our ethnicities. They meant to print out that we were German, American, Ukrainian and Thai, not British, German, American and Ukrainian. They felt bad and gave us $500 as compensation and Crimson wanted to split it half with me, and I agreed to it.
For over a week, Jay, myself and the rest of the polycule took a week-long trip to the beach. We had maybe a bit too much, but I felt there was something off. We went fishing in the ocean, we went walking on the beach, went to a massive gas station and got overstimulated, I got sunburnt, we went to a waterpark where Venom, Jay, Oliver and I all got water up our noses from the slides… All 12 of us parents had fun with the kids. However, something felt… missing.
On the way back, I entered headspace again. My bed was there, along with my computer, my journals, my art, my posters… All of it was where I had last left it from months before when I was still dating Red. I had gone to headspace when he triggered my PTSD and BPD, and rarely did I visit after because it felt like I was reliving trauma all over again. Looking down at myself, I looked like how I had originally looked - heavy eyebags, baggy green hoodie, blue sweatpants, black converse, overly tired eyes. Around my bed were old Monster cans just scattered about, and a trans flag laying just underneath my bed.
Looking in a mirror, I saw what I looked like as a human. I was skinny, my hair was long and greasy, my bones were showing, I had self-harm scars all over me, there were bruises all over me and fresh cuts from smashed beer bottles over my head. I started shaking at the memories, I didn’t want to even remember what I looked like as a human. I absolutely hated it. Yet, anyone I spoke to always said I’d “always be a human”, or deny my trans identity, or even deny that my trauma ever happened merely because I’m “just a character” when I was more than that. I have feelings and I don’t want those feelings being ignored. It felt invalidating, painful, traumatizing. Slowly, I panned to a trashcan and threw up inside of it.
The abuse I endured, the trauma I went through, the times I was raped… all of it flashed before my eyes as I screamed loudly, smashing the mirror with my dull knife. Looking towards the door to enter the Dream Realm, I stepped into it, walking through the world filled with glitches and missing textures. Around the realm were holograms floating with a view from every single universe to ever exist. All of it was right here in front of me.
A blue flame sat in the distance - no, a figure, a blue flame person… Burney? No, it couldn’t be. He’s dead. Walking up to the figure, I sat aside and sighed. My emotions were everywhere and if this really Burney, then I wanted him back. Suddenly… his voice was heard.
“Error… I’m sorry… I hid from you. I’m sorry for… trapping you in that position…” Burney sounded sad, if anything. However, as he spoke, tears filled my eyes and rolled down my face. The tears were warm and salty, like a river leading to the ocean. His hands wiped my tears away as I looked at him, and then he looked at me, one of his eyes being covered with a bandage. “The truth is… reality is harsh. People are going to hate you or love you, some indifferent until proven elsewise. Some hate you for no reason, some adore you for no reason. Some have a reason, and that reason could be anything.”
My brain just flickered for a moment. I had just lost a close friend and they still thought I wouldn’t change or move on when I wanted to apologize. They claimed they didn’t want me interacting but then blatantly said that their DMs were open to talk. I wanted to change but it felt impossible, and I tried everything I could. They loved my presence one day and the next they hated me all because I had a BPD episode I apologized for, and suddenly I was to blame for every little thing.
“People sometimes don’t wanna see your change. Sometimes they would rather leave you in the past and not see you change, only knowing you for your past version of yourself. A version of you that doesn’t exist anymore. And you know what? That’s on them. It’s their loss for not wanting to see the better you when they tell you to change. All that matters is the effort you put in, no matter how big or small. Humans are strange creatures who have a one-way track of mind. They’re selfish creatures who trash their own planet and other people just to bring themselves up or down. It’s either their way or the highway. But here… you challenge that. You change that. You… defy that. We were once humans. We know what that’s like. And you know what? You changed. We changed.” Burney’s voice was calm, relaxing. He meant well, and was very wise with his words.
“...Why couldn’t I keep this form? Why couldn’t I just… stay this way forever…?” My voice echoed in the darkness, nothing was around us but fireflies flying around us, trees in the distance, the smell of rain coming and blue lighting shining on us. My tics flared up as my tears started to dry on my face, cheeks a slight dark green from crying.
“It shows your change. No matter how big or small the change is, you still did it regardless.” Burney hugged me as soon as he finished, and I could feel his body was there. Warm, calming, fiery as always. “I can’t go back to Cy-”
“Ah, no. I want you to come back. I really do. Please. I’ll stay admin and help you, I promise. We can’t take down these new villains alone. Seriously.” After I spoke, Burney sighed and looked to the dirt ground, then back up to me and nodded.
It’s been only a day and things have been a lot better, of course. Things are still improving and I have full access, but… Now the Dream Realm could be accessed by any admin, which is dangerous for higher rank administrative villains. But it also means others from different universes can get in as well.