Emotions are everywhere.

Sometimes I’m bored. Every day I wake up it’s already noon. Checking Instagram and Facebook because there’s nothing better to do. No meals to share, no friends to see. Throwing my clothes on the floor, forcing myself into the shower to stay “hygienic”. Binge watching The Office because why not.

Sometimes I’m stressed. Essay due tomorrow, presentation on Tuesday, midterm on Friday, don’t forget office hours on Wednesday! Oh shoot, Zoom disconnected… my internet stopped working… need to charge my laptop battery… classes are becoming a mess. Ahhh I need to apply to that internship by Saturday! Oof, I needa pick classes for next semester, but idek if it’s gonna be online or pass/fail… And what am I gonna concentrate in??

Sometimes I’m chilling. Ahh this is the life. Not having meetings to attend every other day, not having to walk 15 minutes to Annenberg and back just to get a meal. Not having to stress about every detail in every assignment because classes are Sat/Unsat. Not having to wake up early in the morning because class *technically* isn’t mandatory.

Sometimes I’m scared. Knowing that millions are getting sick and even dying. Knowing that there’s still no cure. Knowing that my father works at a hospital and both my parents are vulnerable. It’s easy for the emotions to overcome me and for me to spend all night worrying about this disease and what could happen next.

Sometimes I’m relaxed. Who knew that getting 9 hours of actual sleep each day does wonders?? I’m so grateful I have this extra time to step away from the stresses of life from time to time, even if just temporarily...

Sometimes I’m confused. Wait… COVID-19 is helping the climate situation? Uhh… are those people really protesting to get haircuts? Err… why do people still care about that during a time like this?

Sometimes I’m panicking. Am I doing enough in life? Should I be relaxing during quarantine because I’ll never have this much free time again in the future, or should I be working hard because I’ll never have this much free time again in the future? Should I make an effort to reach out to my friends every day so that we don’t lose touch, or should I back off and use this time to really try to find myself? Should I be working out because we have a whole 6 months until we see other people again for me to improve myself… or should I just let myself go and not care because, well, we have a whole 6 months before we see other people again? Will I be putting myself at a disadvantage if I relax too much? Will I be putting my mental health at risk if I work too hard? Am I overthinking?

It’s nonstop. Whenever I’m done feeling one of these emotions, I immediately feel something else. Quarantine has been a wild ride, and even though these past weeks have been some of the wildest ups and downs I’ve experienced in my life, as strange as it sounds… I’m actually kind of grateful for it.

Yeah, my schedule has gone completely wack, I haven’t seen my friends in over a month, and I still worry about life from time to time, but being alone at home has really helped me find myself in life. It wasn’t until I was home until I realized how much I was getting beaten down from the daily stresses of college life, from things like struggling on p-sets until 3am on Thursday nights to things like having to take the T to MGH each week for research. Even simple things like chatting with up to 50 people a day became draining, especially as an introvert. And when you start to feel exhausted and desperate, it’s common to start doing things that you don’t normally do-- even make you cringe if you think back on them-- because you subconsciously crave the praise and attention from others. I genuinely enjoyed everything that I was doing at college, and I honestly don’t regret any of it, but I didn’t realize how mentally and emotionally demanding all of it was. It’s hard to recognize burnout when you’re in the middle of it, and to be honest, I’m still hesitant to classify it as burnout, especially since I’m still only in my first year of college.

Quarantine has given me the time and space to go back to my roots, trying to figure out exactly what it is that I enjoy in life. I’ve gone back and played music, I’ve experimented with video editing, I’ve read nonfiction science books, I’ve tried teaching high school science, I’ve worked on stop-motion animation, I’ve even attempted music composition… In college, I’ve been constantly stressed about one thing: There’s so many things to learn and to do in this world… Who will I be? And honestly, I still don’t have my answer. Yes, I have a future career plan, goals I want to accomplish in life… but that only answers the question of What will I be? As to who I will be? I don’t know yet. But the ups and downs of quarantine have given me the opportunity to try to figure it out.

Emotions are everywhere. But maybe, just maybe, that’s a good thing.