Authors Note:
A Deeper level of Understanding
From a small town in Chicago, I am twenty-seven-year-old year-old women by the name of Savannah Grant. I have grown up in a tight knit community, where you cheer on the local football team and meet at church every Sunday morning. Growing up as a catholic has played a major role in my social identity. I am a firm believer in my religion, and I have grown up attending catholic schools my whole life.
Ever since I was little, I had a view on how life is supposed to be. I have been found to be rigid in my views. I am from a two-parent household, a mother and a father. I have six older brothers and they each went on to play college football, which played a major role in our family life. The Grants are all about family, church, and football games.
I loved growing up watching my brothers play and often ran around the sidelines looking up to my role models on the field. When I reached high school, I too participated in sports. Attending a private catholic high school, my religious beliefs and views never left me. My parents are very old-fashioned, and I never really saw another version or look of life than the one I live.
Since I reached high school, I was introduced to topics I had never heard of before. It was in my social justice class that I heard about a LGBTQ group. I was instantly confused and disgusted. Due to my narrow view on life, I was unable to comprehend this type of lifestyle. I found my classmates laughing and I decided to join too. We would make fun of the people in these groups and didn’t care about our ignorance.
I was disturbed to learn that this was an actual reality and some friends and I from school created a social media page called “LGBTQ haters”. I would laugh at the content and sometimes posted comments making fun of these people. We couldn’t comprehend why someone would live like this and ultimately joined the belief that the people apart of LGBT group were mentally ill.
A few years after graduation, my beliefs still remained the same. I was attending a private catholic college and my little bubble didn’t seem to change. I still went to mass, participated in bible study, and remained devoted to my faith. My brothers were a sense of guidance in my life, and I relied on them for almost everything. I talked to them about everything. We were tight knit and I believed our bond was unbreakable.
It was during my fall break that my family and I visited my brother’s campus to check out a game. My brother Timothy, playing tight end for the Western Michigan Broncos, was the highlight of my weekend. I loved catching up with Timothy and watching him tear it up on the field was a favorite past time of mine. Timothy and his team won the game and afterwards we head to his house for an afterparty.
What I saw that night I will never forget. The party was starting to wind down and I was beginning to feel tired. After a few drinks, I wanted to head back to the hotel but didn’t want to walk alone, so I went to get Timothy from his room to walk me back. I opened the door and saw Timothy with another guy on the team, kissing.
I was shocked to say the least. I was afraid of what I saw and did not know how to react. Timothy was one of the best guys I knew, how could he be gay? This can’t be true. This can’t be real. Those words kept playing over and over again in my head. Coming from our upbringing, how could this have even happened? How could I not have known?
I ran back alone to the hotel, upset and afraid. I decided to not believe what I saw. I wanted it to be fake or that it was just the alcohol talking. What shocked me the most, is that I thought I knew my brother. Thoughts came rushing down of what everyone would think. What our parents would say? What would people from back home would think of our family.
I couldn’t look at Timothy the same for a while. Although he didn’t know that I saw him that night, there was a shift in our relationship. I spoke to him less and became very distant. It wasn’t until Christmas time that I got the courage to confront him about what I saw that fall. I knew asking him too many questions or sounding upset would not be good. I had done research and looked more into LGBT groups and decided to give it a chance to hear what Timothy had to say.
I brought him into the office and sat him down. I asked him when he knew he was gay. Timothy instantly became red in the face and denied it. I could see the tears in his eyes. Coming from a catholic family with narrow minded beliefs, it was hard for even him to accept this way of life he was living. He explained that he had always felt this way and that when he went away to college, he finally felt free to be who he truly was.
Since Timothy is my family, I decided to open my mind and create a shift of more acceptance in my life. I told him I would support him no matter what. I decided to let go out the ignorance I once always held so close and the judgement I so often gave out. Timothy explained that two of my other brothers knew, and that hurt my feelings that he didn’t think he could tell me. I realized that my narrow mind was blocking out one of most important people in my life to be his true authentic self around me.
It struggled and pained me to know I couldn’t be there for Timothy when he needed me the most. Timothy explained how he was happy and if he was happy, so was I. He spoke about how dark his thoughts have been in the process of this and how difficult he still suffers in living in his own skin. It was at that time I decided I needed to let go. Let go of all the bias, stereotypes, and hate. My two brothers, Timothy, and I decided it was time our parents knew. We sat them down and broke the news together. My mother instantly broke down crying and my father left the house. This left Timothy crushed, I was panicked, and I didn’t know what to think.
After several weeks we would sit down for family dinner as a whole family again. My father announced his acceptance and that he would be proud of his children no matter who or what they were. This warmed my heart and to see Timothy smile again made my heart burst. Although it was a long time coming, being able to accept and see Timothy as his true authentic self was a breath of fresh air.
I let go of a lot of the hate I held within and this almost seemed to have turned a new leaf for our entire family. We began to open up more with one another on a deeper level and our family time and home life began to be carefree. The judgements I had once casted upon strangers online in high school sickened me. I learned to open up and see the beauty in all things and all walks of life. Timothy offered our family a deeper kindness and understanding we were so mistakenly blinded from.
Works Consulted:
Barnett, Andrew P., et al. “Anti-LGBT Victimization, Fear of Violence at School, and Suicide Risk among Adolescents.” Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, vol. 6, no. 1, Mar. 2019, pp. 88–95. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1037/sgd0000309.
Livingston, Nicholas A., et al. “Experiences of Trauma, Discrimination, Microaggressions, and Minority Stress among Trauma-Exposed LGBT Veterans: Unexpected Findings and Unresolved Service Gaps.” Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, vol. 11, no. 7, Oct. 2019, pp. 695–703. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1037/tra0000464.
Russell, Glenda M., et al. “Trauma, Recovery, and Community: Perspectives on the Long-Term Impact of Anti-LGBT Politics.” Traumatology, vol. 17, no. 2, June 2011, pp. 14–23. EBSCOhost,doi:10.1177/1534765610362799.