Samurai Reincarnation

Another one of those movies that makes one wonder "Dear Lord, why?" is Terror in the Jungle.  It is not the movie I am reviewing today, but I am currently watching it, and I am as confused as the little kid who can't act during the Aztec dance scene.  Seriously-- why are the Aztecs dancing for him?  He's 4 freakin' years old!

Sorry, I'm a bit distracted.

The movie I'm reviewing today is Samurai Reincarnation  Wait-- did the Aztecs live in Italy?  Why the hell are they in Italy in a movie about Aztecs?

Sorry-- Samurai Reincarnation.  It was a movie starring Sonny Chiba, and it is weird.  Kinda like Terror in the Jungle.  Did you know that Aztecs were Incas?

Anyway, Sonny Chiba plays a Christian Satanist in Feudal Japan.  He teams up with his homies zombie Miyamoto Musashi, Weird Christian Lady who feels shame for not committing suicide, and a guy who was uninteresting.  I forget the last guy's deal.  I will call him Hank.  I will also now give him a backstory, because I forget what his real backstory was.  Hank was a poor foreign exchange student from Latvia, who decided to join the forces of evil (i.e. Musashi, Chiba, weird Lady) after being beaten up by a panda.

(Why are the Aztecs speaking Portuguese?  Have I been misinformed about the Aztecness of the Terror in the Jungle?)

Okay, since I'm clearly not able to focus with whatever the fuck is happening in Terror in the Jungle playing on my tiny TV,  I'm going to give you an abridged version and move on with my life.  I apologize to all of you who were enthralled by my lame attempt to make Hank interesting. 

(Holy... sorry to interrupt myself again, but someone just got mauled by a plush toy in Terror in the Jungle, and I need to make it known to the world)

I still don't know what happened in Samurai Reincarnation.  Some Samurai were reincarnated.  In retrospect, I think they may have been Ronin, but I suppose Ronin are just generic-brand Samurai.   They were also more undead than reincarnated, but that is again semantics.  Apparently, Jesus gives all Christians the ability to do the Scanners thing vis a vis head explosions.  A dead ringer for Sgt. Kabukiman (if you don't know, look it up) started throwing serious shade on the unholy spawn of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come and Emperor Palpatine.  And arguably the greatest line ever spoken on film was uttered.  To wit:

"You were obliged to die in a most reluctant manner!"

In all, I give it 3 Aztecs out of 5 Incas.  It's as much fun as watching stop-motion assasinations in the climax of a live action adventure movie about people who are probably Incan.