Ask a Psych- Parent Edition
Do you have questions or concerns about
- child development (e.g. what's "normal" behavior versus what you should be concerned about),
- your child's learning (e.g. how can I help my child with homework or improve his reading skills ),
- behavior (e.g. how can I help my child be more organized in the morning), or
- mental health (e.g. questions about test anxiety)?
Please submit a question you have for our school psychologist. Questions can be submitted anonymously below and any questions answered will appear in our newsletter. Personal responses cannot be provided via this form. Any identifying information about students or teachers will be deleted.
November
"Dear School Psychologist,
My child seems to be struggling with getting up in the morning and getting out the door. Their teacher has also noted some issues with focus and behavior in class. Where can I start to help them?"
Signed,
Tired Parent
Dear Tired Parent,
There could be lots of different things going on with your child, but one area you might want to examine is the amount of sleep your child is getting. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that grade schoolers get a whopping 9-12 hours of sleep at night! If that seems like a lot, you aren't alone- a recent study found that 1/3 of children do not get enough sleep. For busy families it can be difficult to make this happen, but it can have far reaching impacts on students. According to this study, "the researchers found that compared to their well-rested peers, kids aged 6 to 12 who didn't get enough sleep, have:
- 61% higher odds of not showing interest or curiosity when learning new things.
- 45% increased odds of not caring about doing well in school.
- 44% higher odds of not doing all of their required homework."
If you look at your child's schedule and you think your child might not be getting sufficient sleep, start small! Try to move up your child's bedtime in small (maybe 15 minute) increments. Work with your child to create a relaxing bedtime ritual or routine that works with them and with your family routine to help them wind down and relax. Check out this website for some ideas. You may also want to find ways to limit screentime by creating a family media use plan.
Sleep is such a key need that impacts children's learning and behavior in school, so I really recommend looking at your child's sleep first, and then seeking out support from your pediatrician or school staff if you are still struggling with these issues!
December
Q:What is the best way to deal with tantrums around homework? From dealing with perfectionism/depression (I got a problem wrong, I'm a failure) to anger (this is boring / I hate this ) to making up answers so they can get through it and storming off when I check their hw and find mistakes? What are good coaching techniques?
A: Stress over homework is so pervasive that it regularly sparks national debate and articles in all sorts of publications. There are a couple of things to consider or keep in mind when working with your elementary school student on homework.
First, check with your child’s teacher to make sure you understand their expectations for how much time your child should be spending on homework. In general, most teachers follow a 10 minute rule- meaning they expect about 10 minutes of homework for each year of school. So, if your 2nd grader is spending an hour on homework, that’s way too long, and it’s worth troubleshooting with the teacher. It can also be helpful to understand what your child’s teacher’s purpose for assigning homework is (ie: extra practice, keeping parents in the loop, developing responsible school habits, enrichment) and if there are other ways to accomplish that purpose.
Second, consider setting a time limit, with a visible timer. Let your child know that you expect them to work hard for 20 minutes, or whatever time is appropriate for their age, and at the end of that time, as long as they were working the whole time, the homework will be put away, regardless of whether it is fully complete. You may need to allow your child to pause the timer and take breaks, but then restart it when they are ready to get back to work.
As to your question about perfectionism, this can be really tough for lots of kids. For most teachers, homework is about practice, not a final assessment, and it’s worth really emphasizing this when talking to your child about the purpose of homework. Try modeling making mistakes and learning from them, both on homework (ie: purposefully making some obvious errors when doing homework with them, see if they catch them, and then correct yourself with positive language) and in everyday life (“oops! I added the salt to early too this recipe, hmm, I wonder what I can do to fix it…”).
Finally, if homework battles are starting to negatively impact your relationship with your child, you might look into outsourcing homework time- 826Michigan has free homework drop in sessions, and sites like care.com can help you find after-school tutors and homework helpers. This website also has a list of highly skilled tutors in the area.
Have a question for our school psych? Submit one here!
January
Q: My daughter (5th grade) being treated meanly by other girls in the class. They are all friends one day and then the next they are talking behind her back. She is sad and upset.
A: This is a question that school professionals have been trying to answer for decades, and we’re still working on it! It can feel heartbreaking to see your child being treated unkindly, and unfortunately, 5th grade can be a very difficult time socially for many of our children.
One key thing I want you to think about, and possibly talk about, with your daughter is whether this behavior is Rude, Mean, or Bullying. This article lays out some really good examples that distinguish between these three kinds of behaviors, which come from different places and have different impacts. Essentially, rude behavior means “inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else” (without malice). Mean means “purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice)”. But when that behavior becomes regularly repeated, and there is some kind of power imbalance (whether that is physical or social power), we now have bullying, which we generally define as “intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power”. Icing someone out and talking behind their back might be considered relational aggression, and if that’s happening to your daughter repeatedly, this could be an instance of bullying.
Any of these kinds of behaviors can be discussed with your child’s teacher or even the principal, and schools take bullying seriously and try and find ways to address the situation with all the children involved. The school professionals may know more about the particular dynamics of the friend group, or if there is something going on with one particular girl being mean to your daughter that might be impacting their behavior. Depending on the specifics of the situation,the best solution might be separating the girls, a restorative justice approach, or something else entirely. I encourage you to talk with your child’s teacher, or better yet, encourage your daughter to do so, and work with the school to try and change this pattern.
Thanks for your great questions this month! Have a question for our school psych? Submit one here!
February
Q: My 2nd grade daughter says she hates school. She is bored and doesn't want to go. How can I encourage her?
A: As a parent, its very difficult to hear our children say they hate something as important as school, and there is no one-sized fits all solution to this problem. The first step is to dig into why she is expressing that she doesn’t like school.As I often do, my first two pieces of advice are to talk to your kid, and to talk to your kid’s teacher. She states that she is bored, so it might be worth investigating why she feels bored. Is she doing well academically, and needs more of a challenge? Is she struggling academically, and bored because she doesn’t understand everything going on? Or is she expressing boredom because she is actually upset about something (difficult relationships with peers, with her teacher etc.) and having a hard time expressing that problem? Even when children do not school, it is rare for them to hate every minute of it- what does she like about school (ie: recess, music etc.). At school, is she expressing these same thoughts?
No teacher wants their students to hate school and be bored, so see if you can partner with your child’s teacher to figure out what the source of her “boredom” really is, and find ways to increase her enjoyment. Maybe this means more challenging work if she is excelling academically, or more support if she is struggling and getting frustrated. Maybe it looks like trying to find a way for her to earn some reward that taps into what she already enjoys at school for hard work (ie: extra choice time at the end of the week, an opportunity to help out in Kindergarten classroom, a chance to share a talent in front of the class).
Thanks for your great questions this month! Have a question for our school psych? Submit one here!
Do you have a question for the school psych? Submit a question about your child's development, learning or behavior here!
April
Q:I am feeling totally overwhelmed. It feels like a major challenge to get my 3rd grader with ADHD to do anything other than play video games, much less schoolwork, especially because I’m trying to work from home too. I feel like I’m failing as a parent and an employee and a partner. I don’t even know how to begin navigating the district resources we’ve been getting. I guess I just don’t even know where to start.
A: Did I write this letter? Because, boy, do I feel you. The district has put out a TON of information, and its totally understandable if right now, you feel overwhelmed, so I’ll keep my advice simple. I want you to try two things.
First, this week, just try to tackle one academic thing. Set a small, achievable goal for yourself and your child. That might be logging into the online platform and completing just one activity this week. Or it might be reading for 10 minutes every day. Or maybe you set aside the academic stuff for another week and just try and get into a routine that involves physical activity or getting outside. Choose something you think you can accomplish, and then reward yourself and your child if you achieve the goal at the end of the week, and then add something in next week.
Second, set a self-care goal for yourself. Sometimes that can sound either daunting, self-centered or silly, but again, start by just trying to do one thing. This resource from U of M’s Trails to Wellness project is honestly excellent, and lays out 8 straightforward strategies with clear suggestions. This week, try and incorporate just 1 into your life.
Good luck parent, I’m sending you warm thoughts.