I have been reading about the speeches given by an aspiring political candidate. He seems to be against everything that the current incumbent has undertaken. It struck me that this is a very simple way to campaign for public office. I’m sorry it never occurred to me when I was actually running for office. A bit of reflection produced these simple rules for aspiring political candidates: Follow these and you can’t go wrong.
Play to the audience – tell them whatever they want to hear.
Take a strong stance against the other side, whoever they are.
Focus on making them look bad, at beating them, not on solving our problems.
Offer only criticisms of their attempts – it’s much easier.
Make the other side so upset with your antics that they will stop listening to you.
Smile a lot, look strong and confident.
Use simple phrases, nothing too complicated.
Never ask your audience to engage in any hard work, and absolutely to never have to give up anything.
Never consider or even mention the other side’s perspective, lest they think you are trying to negotiate.
Never actually study a complex issue and offer creative alternatives.
Never praise a positive step by the other side.
Be sure to say “God bless America” at the end – forget that the term “America” includes some of the poorest countries in the world.
Never ask your deity to look with favor on the vast majority of human kind who converse with a different deity, and whose problems are inextricably bound up with our problems.
Forget that a majority of voters are independents, not on your side or that other side.
Forget that, as often stated by that noted Canadian Sage, Red Green, we are all in this together.
© Copyright Carl Scheider 2004