So, you want to adopt. Great, but be aware of the "Diversity Issue!" It might even be good for you.
Adoption is clearly a good thing. It provides permanent homes for children, and gives infertile couples the opportunity to grow into the role of parent. I think parents gain a great deal more from the parent - child relationship than the child.
But frankly, we adoptive parents are ill prepared for this role in one critical dimension - we didn't really understand that our children with a different genetic background are really different - I mean really different. Well, you knew this, didn't you? Your kids look different, don't they? Yes they do "look" different - but the differences are so much more profound than looks.
Here's the problem - we don't really grasp the scope of the differences. Generally, genetically related children don't fall far from the tree. Your biological kids are some blend of the parents' genetic codes. And let's face it, your spouse is more like you than she/he is different than you. What differences there are tend to be either wonderful things you celebrate, or they are "problems" that you learn to live with. Some are likely to turn around gender issues, but others will be around things like personality and style.
This problem generally arises from the assumption that while adults are kind of set in their "style," we think children are very malleable. To compound the problem, we think everyone works pretty much the way we do. I have to confess that I worked on these two premises for a long time. I assumed it was my responsibility and burden to "fix" the "problems" that my kids displayed as they grew up. It took me a long time to realize that the "problems" were just "differences." I had a tough time with some of them because they were so unlike my set of stuff. Then I discovered that most of the population on the planet sees some of my "normal" set of things as "problems."
I just did not believe that these "tendencies" were genetically based. But I am convinced now, finally, that they are. And if that's true, it says a whole lot about our acceptance or celebration of differences in those other strange adults we live and work with.
A couple of examples might help here a bit. Think about how you make decisions. Personally, I think I'm pretty careful and analytical about it. I am somewhat risk adverse. I tend to look down the road a bit, analyze consequences, and weigh pro's and con's. It takes me a while, and the results are pretty safe. Hey, most of the male population work this way, don't they? It's the right way to make decisions - it's the middle of the road norm. At least that's my opinion.
My wife is also risk adverse, so that's a fit. But she does not look down the road very far. In fact she finds too long a view to be very uncomfortable. If I want to talk about something two years away she gets visibly agitated. This frustrates me somewhat, but I've learned to live with it. I've also given up trying to "fix" her.
Now, we have 2 genetically related children who are some blend of the two of us. We often comment that they are 'different.' The oldest is a bit more tentative and apprehensive of new things. The other is more likely to take a risk and be more spontaneous, but he is still cautious. Once upon a time, I would have pronounced this diversity an example of the normal range in human kind. Shows how little I knew then!
Our next two children were adopted. As they grew to adulthood, it slowly dawned on me that their range of differences was well outside the 'normal' bounds of their two siblings. If the elder two were a foot apart in this decision making linear scale, then their younger siblings are some 30 feet off in BOTH directions.
One of them is absolutely fearless. There are no risks in life, only interesting possibilities. There are no hazardous bumps on the ski slope - only fun hillocks to discover and navigate at breakneck speed - literally. He can set off down the street to collect for the American Cancer society, and somehow persuade our neighbors to contribute twice the amount that we manage to get each year. He can walk into a retail store, and begin selling merchandise to customers, until the manager asks him if he would like to work there. Life is one exciting possibility after another for this son.
On the other hand, one of our daughters does not like to make decisions until they have to be made. When she was a senior in high school, I carefully orchestrated the date when she would have to make the decision on where she wanted to apply for college. I told her months in advance the exact date -- January 15 -- when she would have to decide, so that we could submit the financial forms for her other 3 siblings. I alerted her a week before the date, and she informed me that she had a whole week yet! I asked her how it was going to day before, and she told me that I had promised she could do it tomorrow! The day arrives -- and she and I explore alternatives for a good hour or more. She reluctantly decides. I personally find this extremely aggravating. But my sense is that she hates to close off possibilities until the last minute. You never know -- a better option might show up at any moment.
It is the same for spontaneous invitations. The son above can get a call at three in the afternoon, walk out of his office and take a cab to the airport where he boards a plane for home. No luggage, no coat, no nothing. The other, with 2 weeks warning, will be packing her bags at the very last minute and feel like she is completely unable to change anything. We have to give her a week's warning to invite her to dinner!
I used to find the one scary, and the other annoying. I worked on modifying their behavior. I finally recognized that they are what they are, and there is nothing good or bad about it. They go about this decision stuff very differently, and it's in the genes. I'm a lot calmer since I've adopted this approach. It is not my problem. Who ever said that parents are responsible for their kids behavior any way? They came that way, believe me..
I'm also convinced that we each have a kind of "happiness level" -- and it is what it is. I can't get one to be any more up, and I can't calm the other one down. Give it up.
Another differentiator is in how reflective or analytical one is, versus experiential. Some of us (me) like to analyze things to death, and try to figure them out logically. Others of us (my wife) just do it. She can't believe the time I put into figuring out some things, and I can't believe she doesn't understand why the clutch has to go in before she stops the car! Some of us are meant to be philosophers and dialecticians -- others are more here and now and think arguing an abstract point is a complete and boring waste of time.
Well, forewarned is forearmed. They are different from you. Love them, celebrate the difference, and give up trying to fix them. Oh, and that fellow at work that grates on you -- he's different too. There's nothing wrong with him, by the way -- although he finds you somewhat confusing and perplexing just as you do him.
Copyright 1999 Carl ScheiderÂ