[Verse 1]
As I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door‚ where my old horse should be
I called my wife and I said to her‚ "Would you kindly tell to me?
Who owns that horse outside the door‚ where my old horse should be?"
[Chorus 1]
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk‚ you silly old fool! Still you cannot see!
That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me!"
"Well, it's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow‚ sure I never saw before."
[Verse 2]
As I came home on Tuesday night, as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door, where my old coat should be
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me?
Who owns that coat behind the door, where my old coat should be?"
[Chorus 2]
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool! Still you cannot see!
That's a woolen blanket that my mother sent to me!"
"Well, it's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But buttons on a blanket, sure I never saw before."
[Verse 3]
As I came home on Wednesday night, as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe upon the chair, where my old pipe should be
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me?
Who owns that pipe upon the chair, where my old pipe should be?"
[Chorus 3]
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool! Still you cannot see!
That's a lovely tin whistle that my mother sent to me!"
"Well, it's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle, sure I never saw before."
[Verse 4]
As I came home on Thursday night, as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a two boots beneath the bed, where my old boots should be
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me?
Who owns the boots beneath the bed, where my old boots should be?"
[Chorus 4]
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool! Still you cannot see!
Those are two lovely geranium pots that my mother sent to me!"
"Well, it's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But laces in geranium pots, sure I never saw before."
[Verse 5]
As I came home on Friday night, as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed, where my old head should be
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me?
Who owns that head upon the bed, where my old head should be?"
[Chorus 5]
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool! Still you cannot see!
That's a baby boy that my mother sent to me!"
"Well, it's many's the day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on, sure I never saw before."
[Verse 6}
As I came home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a man sneaking out the door, and it was after three
I called my wife and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me?
Who was that man sneaking out the door and it was half past three?"
[Chorus 6]
"Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool! Still you cannot see!
That was the tax collector that the Queen, she sent to me!"
"Well, it's many's the day I've traveled, a million miles or more
But an Englishman who could last till three, I never saw before
But an Englishman who could last till three, I never saw before."