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Guide to Tending Your Grief:
How It Works
Guide to Tending Your Grief:
How It Works
“I sit with my grief. I mother it. I hold its small, hot hand. I don’t say, shhh. I don’t say, it is okay. I wait until it is done having feelings. Then we stand and we go wash the dishes. We crack open bedroom doors, step over the creaks, and kiss the children. We are sore from this grief, like we’ve returned from a run, like we are training for a marathon. I’m with you all the way, says my grief, whispering, and then we splash our face with water and stretch, one big shadow and one small.”
“I sit with my grief. I mother it. I hold its small, hot hand. I don’t say, shhh. I don’t say, it is okay. I wait until it is done having feelings. Then we stand and we go wash the dishes. We crack open bedroom doors, step over the creaks, and kiss the children. We are sore from this grief, like we’ve returned from a run, like we are training for a marathon. I’m with you all the way, says my grief, whispering, and then we splash our face with water and stretch, one big shadow and one small.”
― Callista Buchen
Phase 1: The First Six Months (typically)
Phase 1: The First Six Months (typically)
The Dual Process Model of Grief, first published by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in 1999, offers a nonlinear way to understand grief that resonates more often than the traditional “8 Stages of Grief” model. I find this is a good representation of ‘early’ grief, such as in the first 6 months, but realistically, the first 3 years. Many people refer to this as the ‘oscillation’ of grief activities. This is, of course, for the moments beyond the intense mental fog and fatigue that is characteristic of grief, and which make both loss and restoration-oriented tasks difficult.
Phase 2: Beyond the First Six Months (typically)
Phase 2: Beyond the First Six Months (typically)
There’s really not much more to say than this quote and image describe, other than that it is a life-giving way to understand and relate to how grief will always be a part of your life now. Some people talk about the ‘void’ left in the place of the person/idea you love - I believe that place is very much still full, just that your relationship to whatever has changed is transformed and looks different now.
What about atypical or complicated grief?
What about atypical or complicated grief?
Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning (typically measured at beyond 6 months). It is usually characterized by a sense that the symptoms are significantly interfering with life. Symptoms can include: intense longing and yearning for the deceased, intrustive thoughts or images of your loved one, denial of the death or sense of disbelief, imagining that your loved one is alive, searching for your deceased loved one in familiar places, avoiding things that remind you of your loved one, extreme anger or bitterness over the loss, feeling that life is empty or meaningless. These behaviors are very normal in grief, but it is wise to be concerned if these behaviors continue for a prolonged time. In that case, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.
I love another visualization of grief as a buttered croissant.
Check it out here.
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