Community-Based Mentoring

Although we match youth one-to-one with a mentor, the partnership between the Big, Caregiver, and our agency is vital to the success of the Match relationship. We hold all parties in the Match accountable with the same expectations. So, as a Big in the Community Based program, we will be PARTNERS.   

P- Participate
Bigs are part of the enrollment and matching process as well as an active participant in the Match relationship.

Caregivers are part of the enrollment and matching process as well as an active participant in the Match relationship.  

BBBS Staff facilitate the enrollment and matching process and are an active participant in the Match relationship.  

A- Approve
Bigs approve a potential Little before the Match is made.

Caregivers approve any potential Big before a Match is made. They also approve the dates, times, and activities for all Match outings.   

BBBS Staff approve all applications for Bigs and Littles before starting the matching process. They also approve at the three-month mark before Bigs are allowed to have Littles at their home.  

R- Reach Out
Bigs reach out to both the Caregiver and agency staff. As PARTNERS, Bigs do not wait for the Caregiver to call or for Match Support staff to call them. They reach out when they have concerns or questions and are proactive in the Match.   

Caregivers reach out to both the Big and agency staff. As PARTNERS, Caregivers do not wait for the Big to call or for Match Support Staff to call them. They reach out when they have concerns or questions and are proactive in the Match.  

BBBS Staff reach out to both the Caregiver and the Big. They reach out with agency activities and resources. They reach out when they have concerns or questions and are proactive in the Match.   

T- Team Up
Bigs team up to share responsibility for the well-being of youth in BBBS of CT programs. They team up with agency staff and Caregivers to make sure Littles are safe during and outside of BBBS programs. They team up to make sure Littles feel supported and are given a chance to grow into the best versions of themselves.

Caregivers team up to share responsibility for the well-being of youth in BBBS of CT programs. Agency staff, Caregivers, and Bigs all team up to make sure Littles are safe during and outside of BBBS programs. They team up to make sure Littles feel supported and are given a chance to grow into the best versions of themselves. Bigs and Caregivers also team up to plan and pay for outings. We support Bigs in doing free and low-cost activities with their Littles, however anything beyond that should be agreed upon and the cost should be shared.     

BBBS Staff team up to share responsibility for the well-being of youth in BBBS of CT programs. They team up with Bigs and Caregivers to make sure Littles are safe during and outside of BBBS programs. They team up to make sure Littles feel supported and are given a chance to grow into the best versions of themselves.   

N- Nurture
Bigs nurture the Littles and their Match by being encouraging and supportive. This means that Bigs should be there for their Littles. Bigs also nurture the Match by building a genuine and respectful relationship with their Little’s Caregiver.   

Caregivers nurture the Littles and the Match by encouraging their children and supporting the Match. This means that the Match (or the relationship with their Big) should always be there for the Little. Match activities should not be used as a bribe or taken away as punishment. Caregivers can also nurture the Match by building a genuine and respectful relationship with Bigs.  

BBBS Staff nurture the Match by building relationships with Bigs, Littles, and Caregivers. They nurture the Match by using the principles of Developmental Assets and Relationships and providing opportunities for all Match parties to learn and improve their relationships.  

E- Enroll
Bigs are responsible for the steps to enroll in the program. They follow up with their Volunteer Manager and make sure they complete all their paperwork and training.   

Caregivers are responsible for the steps to enroll their child in the program. Only the legal guardian can enroll a child in BBBS programs and should complete all paperwork.  

BBBS Staff are responsible for facilitating enrollment in the program. They help Bigs and families through the enrollment steps and answer any questions.  

R- Respond
Bigs respond to outreach from agency staff and Caregivers. This includes the Volunteer Manager reaching out to complete the enrollment process or share a potential Match, Match Support staff asking Bigs to fill out surveys or provide updates over the phone, or any other contact from agency staff.   

Caregivers respond to outreach from agency staff and from Bigs. This includes enrollment staff reaching out to complete the enrollment process or share a potential Match, match support staff asking families to fill out surveys or provide updates over the phone, or any other contact from agency staff.

BBBS Staff respond to outreach from Bigs and Caregivers. They answer questions and provide updates about the enrollment process. After Matching, they respond to concerns in a timely manner and help to build the Match relationship.  

S- Stay Safe
Most importantly, our Bigs are our PARTNERS in keeping kids safe. As a Big, you will get to know your Little well, so talking to them about their relationships, what’s going on in their life, and how they are feeling is important in monitoring their physical and emotional health. We will rely on Bigs to help identify concerns and tell us what is going on with their Little. 

Caregivers are our PARTNERS in keeping kids safe. Caregivers know their child best, so talking to them about their relationship with their Big, what's going on in their life, and how they are feeling is important in monitoring their physical and emotional health. We will rely on Caregivers to help identify concerns and tell us about what is going on in their child's life.

BBBS Staff are PARTNERS in keeping kids safe. BBBS Staff assess all applicants for safety concerns and work to make good Matches that benefit Littles. They monitor Matches for safety through monthly Match Support contacts with Bigs, Littles, and Caregivers. Safety is BBBS Staff’s number one priority.  

Big Brothers Big Sisters of CT staff value Bigs as PARTNERS in Match relationships and count on Bigs to make sure Matches and Littles are strong, safe, and healthy. 

Congratulations on becoming a Big! The beginning of your match is filled with excitement, anticipation, and many unknowns. The first 90 days of your match relationship are crucial for setting expectations and starting on the right foot. During this time, you may have ideas for what your match will be like along with ideas about your Little that you learned from the profile share. You will begin learning about who your Little really is as well as exploring how your relationship might work. We call this the Discovery Stage. 

You can read more about how a match relationship tends to progress in the Stages of a Mentoring Relationship section. Here, we are going to outline the first 90 days of your match including how to plan, what to expect, and some tips for building a solid foundation for your mentoring relationship.

Additionally, you are required to complete four (4) post-match trainings within your first year of being matched. They include:

Mentoring Essentials

Intro to Developmental Assets and Developmental Relationships

Trauma Informed Mentoring

Justice, Equity, Diversity & Inclusion in Mentoring

These trainings will support you in the development of your match with useful resources and helpful tips!

Activity tips for the first 90 Days

• Start with outings every other week. This makes it easy to be consistent and dependable. It also keeps from setting an unrealistic expectation that you will be available weekly to see your Little.

• Contact the Caregiver and your Little during the week in between outings to plan the next outing and check-in. 

• Confirm plans the day before your activity. This is to make sure that nothing has come up and no one has forgotten about your plans!

• Keep outings low- or no-cost at the beginning of your relationship. Planning extravagant or expensive activities could create the expectation that all activities will be this way. It could lead to disappointment in the future. Check out our Activity Ideas page for suggestions!

• Be flexible - activities may not go the way you planned because you don’t know your Little that well yet. Having a backup plan can be helpful

• No activities at the Big’s home are allowed for the first 90 days, so make sure all your outings take place in the community. If you need ideas, check out the Activity Ideas tab or ask your Match Support staff for help. You must receive explicit permission from your Match Support Staff before your first home activity

Relationship-Building tips for the first 90 Days

• Observe your Little to get a better sense of their boundaries. Follow those boundaries to make your Little comfortable.

• Be reliable and consistent by showing up on time, checking in between outings, and following through on what you say you are going to do.

• Plan outings that are not based solely on talking. Having an activity to do can help your Little feel more comfortable around you without putting pressure on them.

• Be patient. It takes time to build a relationship.

• Ask questions. Listen to your Little and start to learn about them. Check out our Conversation Starters for ideas!

• Check in with your Match Support staff with any questions, concerns, or feedback. They are trained to support you in building a safe and healthy relationship with your Little!

• Speak regularly with the Caregiver. In addition to getting their approval for activities, it is helpful to talk to them afterward to let them know how things went. Complimenting their child to them is a great way to let them know you appreciate their efforts and build a relationship with them.

• Be respectful and non-judgmental. Remember not to make assumptions, place value judgments on others’ actions, or be critical of the family. Meet your Little and their family where they are, and celebrate them for who they are!

Example Schedule for Month 1

Day 1: Match Introduction Meeting

• What to expect

  • Meet your Little and their Parent or Guardian for the first time

  • Create goals for the match called the Youth Outcome Development Plan (YODP)

  • Sign paperwork

  • Get assigned a member of the Match Support team

  • Plan your first outing - usually one or two weeks out

  • Your Little may be shy and may not talk much OR your Little might talk a lot and want to tell you everything right away

  • You may feel awkward and unsure about the match OR you may feel like you were matched perfectly and have no concerns

• Tips

  • Come prepared with a few ideas for activities that you might want to do during your match. This can help your Little picture spending time with you and get excited for outings

  • Have your schedule with you so you know when you can have your first outing

  • Keep in mind that how your Little acts and how you feel at that first meeting will change over time, regardless of whether the meeting was easy or awkward

  • Don’t worry too much! This is just Day 1!

Day 6-9: Make contact with the other match parties

• Introduce yourself to your Match Support staff and ask any questions that have come up since the Match Introduction Meeting. Share your plans for your first outing.

• Contact the Caregiver to confirm your outing. If your Little is willing, say hi to them as well and see how their week was. Remind them of the outing and say you are looking forward to it.

Day 10-14: Your first outing!

• What to expect

  • It will be the first time you visit your Little’s home and meet them and their family in person. How they, their home, and their neighborhood look might be exactly as you pictured or completely different than you expected.

  • Your Little may be quiet, shy, and withdrawn OR your Little might be extremely excited, talkative, and energetic.

  • The Caregiver may be nervous to send their child with you for the first time OR you may not even talk to them if they are busy.

  • It might be awkward to find things to talk about, you might not be sure if your Little is having fun, or you might be overwhelmed by spending time with your Little for the first time.

• Tips

  • Give yourself extra time to get to your Little’s home in case you have any trouble finding it. Being on time helps your Little trust that you will do what you say you will.

  • Confirm contact information/the best way to reach the Caregiver along with your estimated return time.

  • Plan an outing with a clear end and beginning so that you are not trying to figure out when to be done.

  • Make sure you plan something that is an activity so that the focus is not just on making conversation. It is easier to talk when you have something fun to do at the same time.

  • Keep the outing short. It is better to end on a positive note than to draw out the activity just to make sure you spend a certain amount of time together.

  • Do something low-key, meaning do not do an extravagant first activity with many parts and lots of expenses. That sets a precedent that you will not be able to keep up in the long run!

  • Discuss ideas for your next outing on the way home. Remember not to commit to anything in particular until you have permission from the Caregiver.

  • Make sure to let the Caregiver know how the outing went and anything that happened.

Day 15-20: Follow up

• Contact your Match Support staff via email or text to let them know how the first outing went. Bring up any concerns, ask any questions, and share any positive moments.

• Contact the Caregiver to plan the next outing. Share the ideas you discussed with your Little the last time and have potential dates for the outing ready to share to help make scheduling easy. Get permission for the activity and confirm a time and date that work for everyone.

• Check-in with your Little briefly. This can be via phone or text to confirm your next outing (now that the Caregiver has given permission) and see how their week is going. Keep it short and sweet so there is no pressure.

Day 21-30: Go on your second outing!

Day 32: Schedule your Mentoring Essentials Post-Match Training

• Click this link to schedule your first post-match training. Remember: this is the first of four trainings that must be completed in the first year of your match. 

• Reach out to Match Support if you have any issues with the scheduling system. 

Day 31-90: Keep it going...

The same basic schedule can be used for the following two months - an outing every other week with contact on the off weeks. This is meant to be a guide. You may have months where you meet two weeks in a row and then not for three weeks due to scheduling conflicts. You may meet three times in one month. Every match is different, so do what works for you!

Schedule your Mentoring Essentials Post-Match Training HERE

Relationships develop in different ways. They take time and energy. The same is true for a mentoring relationship. Understanding the way mentoring relationships typically develop can help you create and sustain a healthy relationship as well as manage your expectations and those of your Little. Generally speaking, research shows us that a mentoring relationship tends to go through four main stages starting with the Discovery Stage. 

Stage 1: Discovery

The beginning of any relationship is awkward. This stage includes the time prior to being matched with and meeting your Little, and usually extends into the first few months of being matched. 

Characteristics Include:

• Examining your motives for becoming a Big

• Meeting your Little for the first time

• Getting to know each other and initial bonding

• Trying to see the positive in the relationship

• Mentee trying to get their Big's approval or impress them

• Mentee not opening up or talking very much

Suggested Actions:

• Be reliable. Show up to your activities and confirm with the Caregiver ahead of time

• Involve your Little in deciding how you will spend your time together

• Use the Interest Identifier Worksheet the two of you completed to create a Wish List of Activities you want to do together

• This is a great time to lean on our Activity Dashboard and your Match Support Staff for activity ideas and resources! 

• Remain positive, non-judgmental, and patient. It may take some time for your mentee to warm up

• Ask open-minded questions, use body language that is open, actively listen, and demonstrate empathy

Stage 2: Negotiation

Now your match is starting to build momentum and trust. A friendship is starting to develop. You’re learning more about each other. Think of this time as making an agreement with your Little about what is important in your match relationship. It’s normal for your mentee to start testing boundaries, making you feel less confident in the relationship. Rather than take this personally, recognize the testing behavior for what it is: your mentee may want to see how far your commitment really goes.

Characteristics Include:

• Starting to feel underappreciated because Bigs are not being thanked by their mentees

• Establishing boundaries and setting ground rules

• Rethinking first impressions

• Difficult feelings or emotions may surface

• Deeper level of friendship

Suggested Actions:

• Most mentees don’t have the maturity to thank their mentors or realize the impact of the relationship until years later! That’s OK! Model courteous behavior by sharing how much you appreciate your mentee

• Set goals for your match relationship

• Reinforce the boundaries you’ve established

• Show your mentee that they can trust you by being reliable and consistent

• Demonstrate and model respect

• Make sure to separate behaviors from who your mentee is

• Disclose personal feelings and experiences when appropriate

Stage 3: Growth

The Growth stage should be the longest stage of your match relationship. This is where the relationship building takes place, and you and your Little really learn about each other. Trust has been established and conversation is more comfortable, personal, and open. Bigs can use the trust they have built to move their mentees along the developmental pathway—focusing more on goals or trying new things. This is where most of the real mentoring takes place.

Characteristics Include:

• Meeting regularly with your mentee

• Relationship level is becoming deeper

• Continuing to learn about each other

• Mentee takes more of the lead in what you talk about or do together

Suggested Actions:

• Maintain the relationship through consistent contact

• Identify past shared experiences and enjoy shared jokes

• Learn something new to both of you

• Provide feedback to listen and affirm fears that your mentee may have

• Continue to work on and evaluate match and mentee goals

 Stage 4: Closure

Transitions happen for many reasons. The relationship may be renewed, transition to less regular contact, or your match may close. This can be a difficult time for mentors, youth, and their families. There may be many strong feelings about the match ending, and it is important to not let the process of ending the match negate the many positives it provided.

Characteristics Include:

• Moving toward transition

• Regular meeting pattern changing

• Reflection

• Preparing for closure

Suggested Actions: 

• Be prepared to listen and affirm fears that your mentee may have outgrown the form mentoring relationship

• Recognize and celebrate all you have accomplished together

• No matter what, be sure to give yourself and your mentee closure. This means ending on a good note, celebrating the time you had together, and clarifying your relationship moving forward.

1. Focus on Safety 

   • • Big Brothers Big Sisters take every possible precaution to ensure the health and safety of each child who is matched in our program. Refer to our policies and guidelines. Contact your Match Support Specialist immediately if any safety concerns arise.

     • Kids notice everything so model appropriate behavior.

2. Communicate Openly, Honestly, and Often

   • • Choose activities that everyone (Caregiver, Big, Little) is comfortable with.

     • Life happens, and that’s ok! But if it is something that may affect the match relationship, let each other know.

3. Keep Appointments and Be Consistent

   • • Talk about what days and times of the week work best to plan match activities. Having a common meeting day can help cut down on rescheduling and communication issues.

     • We all have busy lives and sometimes activities need to be rescheduled. Giving as much notice as possible and having a back-up option will keep the match running smoothly.

4. Maintain Monthly Contact with Your Match Support Specialist

   • • Monthly check-ins with your Match Support Specialist are required to ensure a strong, healthy and positive match. Keep in touch and return our calls, emails and texts.

     • Do not wait to hear from us if you have any questions or concerns about something. Please reach out. That’s what we’re here for!

5. Build Trust 

   • • Listen to the “little stuff.” If your Little knows you are listening, they are more likely to share.

     • Ask their opinion. We all like it when someone asks what we think, feel, prefer.

     • Try not to interrupt. Give your Little some extra time to explain their opinions or desires, even if you think you know what they’re going to say.

     • Highlight the positives: recognizing strengths and successes goes much further than correcting or pointing out flaws and mistakes (we cover how to do this in our Mentoring 101 training, which you can take within the first 90 days of your match).

6. Create a Budget

   • • We encourage free to low-cost activities but understand that there will be times when there is a cost. Money is often a sticky subject, so the sooner a budget is discussed, the more relaxed everyone can be when choosing activities. Determine how much each person is able and/or willing to contribute and stick to it.

     • Make sure the Little knows the budget and help remind them that the focus is spending time versus spending money.

7. Set Realistic Expectations

   • • New relationships take time, and the impact of the match may not be easy to see, especially early on. Be present and enjoy each other’s company over anticipating changes in their behavior or person. It is imperative that you show that you are a consistent, reliable, and caring adult in your Little's life.

     • Often, Littles won’t say “thank you,” but this doesn’t mean that they aren’t enjoying their time together. It just takes time for the relationship to form. Plus, they’re kids!

8. Be Patient 

   • • Like all relationships, you will experience the occasional ups and downs. Particularly in the middle stages, as children become very comfortable in the relationship, there may be a periodic challenge. This is normal. There is no such thing as a perfect interpersonal relationship! Remember that challenges may be a valuable learning experience, and the way we respond to it can influence whether it becomes a growth opportunity for the Little.

Many of our potential Bigs and families have questions about money. Who decides on activities? Who pays for the outings? Are there rules about how much money to spend? What about gifts?

As an organization, we celebrate the diversity of our participants and want volunteers and families coming from all backgrounds. For that reason, we want to make sure that being a Big doesn’t break the bank! Big Brothers Big Sisters of CT encourages low-cost and no-cost activities. Here are some of our budgeting dos and don’ts to help you plan for your activities.

Do:

1. Make a monthly activity budget

2. Utilize Big Brothers Big Sisters of CT’s Engagement & Activity Ideas tab in the Matchbook and watch for free tickets and agency-sponsored events in emails from your Match Support staff and in newsletters

3. Connect with community resources like libraries, park districts, and universities

4. Make higher-cost activities infrequent and discuss the cost in advance with the Caregiver. Never bring up a higher-cost activity with your Little until you’ve planned and gotten permission

5. Talk to your Match Support staff if you need ideas or resources

6. Get creative!

Don’t:

1. Wait until the last minute to plan activities

2. Forget to ask the Caregiver for input when it comes to ideas

3. Overlook the importance of spending time in your community

4. Plan activities that you are uncomfortable with or unable to pay for

5. Leave your Little out of the budgeting process

6. Forget to make sure your activities focus on quality time together

It’s also important to save gifts for special occasions and not to spend too much money. Always talk to the Caregiver before buying a present and consider a special activity instead of an item as a gift. Extravagant outings and gifts should never be part of the first few months of your match because it can make the relationship more about the money you spend than the time you are spending together.

For more information about teaching budgeting to kids and teens, check out these tips from MoneyGeek.

It may seem out of order to discuss closing a match before you’ve even been matched with a Little or if you are just starting out in your match, but, eventually, every match will go through the match closure process. It is important that it is approached in a way that protects youth from harm.​

Match closure is the final part of the match life cycle. Every match will eventually close, it does not have to be a negative experience.​

Potential reasons matches close:

• Big or Little moves away

• Life circumstances change (e.g. Big has a baby, Little gets involved in new extracurriculars, job changes)

• Little ages out or graduates from school

• The match is not a good fit

Matches close for a variety of reasons, and it is important that you approach this decision with as much thought and care as the decision you made to volunteer as a Big.​

Ways to avoid unnecessary match closure

• Become PARTNERS with your Little’s Caregiver and your Match Support staff

• Follow BBBS rules and guidelines

• Set and maintain appropriate boundaries

• Build a positive and supportive relationship by listening to your Little and spending quality time together

• Talk to your Match Support staff about any concerns as soon as possible

Please, do not simply vanish. Our trained, professional support staff are here to walk you through a process that can help reduce harm and, even through closure, lead to positive youth outcomes. 

Steps to ending your match while avoiding harm to your Little:

• ​Connect with your Match Support staff to explore reasons for closure and possible solutions to issues. Do this as soon as you know you may need to close.​

• Plan a final outing with your Little to celebrate your accomplishments. Your Little should know that it is your final visit in advance to reduce any adverse effects from the closure.

• Your Match Support Specialist will send a formal, written acknowledgment of the closure and support the rematch process for interested participants. ​

​Your Match Support Specialist will walk each match participant through the process focusing on positive experiences or memories that you and your Little can take from the relationship while also helping your Little understand the reason for the closure.

Many Bigs and Littles stay in contact after the closure of their matches. Checking in with each other can be a great way to maintain a presence in your Little’s life. Please note that all communication after the formal closure of your match will no longer have the professional support of Big Brothers Big Sisters of CT staff.