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One of the greatest impacts White folks can have on the fight against racism is by impacting other White people. Most White people know a White person who says, does, or believes racist things (at least occasionally, we all do!). Especially during this pandemic, when young people are quarantined with or near family members who may not understand the racism in our country, it is vital that White folks know how to have tough discussions about race. Below I outline a method of stopping problematic behaviors that maintains peace and opens the floor for deeper discussion and mind-changing.
Calling Out
Calling Out
Often, when someone does something offensive or hurtful, our first instinct is to call them out. In some contexts, like when a police officer is abusing their power, this is the right method. However, when we are trying to change someone's mind, it can be counter-productive.
Calling out is:
A way to address a problem or offense
Usually includes someone publicly pointing out that another person is being offensive
Aims to get them to stop
Often results in defensiveness or shutting down
Calling In
Calling In
Calling In is a term I first encountered when my friend Anne Beitlers introduced me to the concept. As I read further, I found it to be an ideal alternative for changing a person's mind. The quote on the right is from a helpful article from Everyday Feminism on when and how to call in.
Calling In:
Still aims at getting someone to stop something hurtful.
The primary difference between calling in and calling out is that calling in is done with a little more compassion and patience.
White folks, we are prime candidates for doing this work when talking about race because our privilege often allows us the energy and power to be heard when we choose this methodology for speaking out against racism.
So Why Call In?
So Why Call In?
The video below is a TedTalk from Megan Phelps-Roper, a critic of the Westboro Baptist Church, who was raised in an was formerly a spokesperson for the WBC. The video highlights how minds are changed and gives important guidelines that help inform the strength and importance of calling in, as well as how to go about it.
A Major Takeaway from the Video
A Major Takeaway from the Video
Four Steps to Take When Having Difficult Conversations
Four Steps to Take When Having Difficult Conversations
Don't assume bad intent. If someone says something wrong, they probably think they are doing the right thing. Few people do things to purposely be harmful, so work to understand what is preventing them from seeing their errors.
Ask questions. Questions are one of the most powerful tools in the mind-changing toolbox. If you find that someone doesn't agree with you, ask questions to cause them to reflect on the holes you see in their argument. People are much more open to changes in their thinking that they perceive are their own discoveries.
Stay calm. Patience is hard, but worthwhile. Most of us are less likely to listen to someone angry in a conversation, and more likely to learn when we feel safe. If you have to take a break, do so, and come back when you can be calm again.
Make the argument. When we think we are right, we often forget to actually explain our position because it seems so obvious to us. The problem with this is that the person we are speaking to doesn't hold the same logic. Therefore, it's important to outright state your argument and support it with clear reasoning.
When to Call In
When to Call In
When deciding if calling in is the right move, ask yourself the following questions:
Have I been hurt?
Do I have the emotional capacity to call someone in right now?
Can I call someone in as an ally?
What are/were their intentions? Can I help them change this behavior?
Why did they do the hurtful thing?
How to Call In
How to Call In
Decide if you should address it publicly or privately, immediately or later.
Context is everything and it is important to consider whether the person will be able to hear you. Whether someone can hear you is highly dependent on their state of mind.Acknowledge intention.
Mostly, people have good intentions, even when they are doing something wrong or hurtful. If you can, acknowledge where the misguided intention is coming from.Mention the specific action.
When someone does something racist, it is likely they are unaware of what and how they are being racist or harmful. The more specific you can be, the better they will understand. If you feel that the word racist will shut down your audience, try explaining it as harmful or offensive. However, sometimes the word racist is necessary to explain the action and should be explained deeply when being used.Explain why it was hurtful.
Make the argument, even if it seems obvious to you. Cite history, experience, current events. Ask questions to help them empathize.Be willing to have the discussion
When you call in, you must be ready not only to tell the person why their action is wrong, but also to listen and help them understand that. Sometimes that may mean waiting until you are ready for the conversation to do the calling in. Often, it means being willing to maintain the assumption that people want to be good.
A Script for Calling In:
A Script for Calling In:
Acknowledge intention:
I know you may not realize that what you said/did is hurtful/offensive/racist...
I know you never mean to hurt others...
I'm sure it wasn't your intention to...
Talking about race is challenging, and I appreciate your willingness to discuss it.
Mention the specific action:
I noticed that you...
Your action/statement of _________________ is very harmful/hurtful/offensive.
Explain why it was hurtful:
What you may not understand is...
This action/statement is hurtful to _________________ because...
This is offensive because...
By doing/saying this, you are hurting/harming _________________ by...
Be willing to have the discussion:
Does this make sense?
Do you have any questions about it?
How can I support you in working on this?
What is the best way for me to remind you about this if it comes up in the future?
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