Apologizing

Dr. Robin DiAngelo has asked at one of her speaking engagements, “What would it be like if you could just give us feedback, when we inevitably step in it or this socialization surfaces, and had us receive that feedback with grace, reflect on the behavior and seek to change it?”

Dr. DiAngelo is right: White people will inevitably step in it, meaning that we will let the racist socialization of our upbringing break through even when we are working hard to counteract it. Therefore it is of the utmost importance that we know how to gracefully, thoughtfully, and genuinely apologize.

What Does a Good Apology Look Like?

Franchesca Ramsey (Chescaleigh) is a YouTuber and writer known for hosting the MTV show Decoded (check her out for lots of great resources on being a better human). In the video below, she breaks down what a solid, meaningful apology looks like.

An Important Takeaway from the Video

An apology is about impact, not intention. Impact is the result of our actions and often does not align with our intention, or what we thought the impact would be. Chescaleigh points out that if you step on someone's foot and break their toe, it doesn't matter if you didn't mean to break their toe. Their toe is still broken, and you owe them an apology.

The most important part of apologizing is making sure you don't make yourself the focus. Apologizing is about making amends for the harm you have caused, not about assuaging your guilt or reminding someone you are a good person. Your guilt is your own responsibility to work through and the other person has the right to decide how they feel about you as a person. Your apology is about taking accountability for your actions and making the promise to work on yourself, so be sure to keep your intentions ("but I didn't mean that/that wasn't how I meant it") out of it.

Chescaleigh's Steps for Apologizing

• Step 1: Acknowledge what you did

Name the actual hurtful thing you did and be specific! If you don't know what you're apologizing for, your apology is meaningless.

• Step 2: Avoid “but” or “if”

Saying "but" or "if" negates your apology by rendering its purpose questionable. You may feel that your intention is important, but it doesn't matter if the impact doesn't match.

• Step 3: Say thank you

Calling you in or calling you out on something takes an exhausting kind of emotional energy. Appreciate that someone chose to spend that energy on you.

• Step 4: Don’t just say it, do it

An apology is just a collection of words showing you know what you did wrong. The best apology is a change of behavior.