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Clara Dawn Luu, '15/'16
(fifth year, human biology)
Clara Dawn Luu, '15/'16
(fifth year, human biology)
FLAN Board Member
she, her,hers and they, them, theirs
July 27, 2020
Dear FLI graduate,
If you don’t read any further down, here’s the takeaway: you deserve love, time, and energy. Seek these things, ask for these things, and give yourself these things. Being FLI means you have likely had to put your needs aside for others, or watched others do the same for you.
As a Stanford FLI grad, you are in a unique opportunity to consider this positionality and use your education and networks to bring about a different way of being, one that will set you on a pathway to self-determined intentions for what “wellness” and “success ” are; to openness and self-awareness; and to laying frameworks down to grow mutually life-giving relationships.
I’m Clara. A little about me: I’m the oldest of three sisters. Our parents are refugees from Vietnam. I grew up in the Bay Area. Perhaps that is enough to suggest that I had a very complicated childhood, filled with pressures and expectations. I was raised by two relatives with undiagnosed and untreated mental disorders. After years of growing up and becoming familiar with being alternately neglected and emotionally abused, I thought Stanford would be my escape. A place where I could be free, make friends, and find peace.
Five years after graduating, I can say I was right, but only after five hospitalizations, four diagnoses, three-and-a-half therapists, two psychiatrists, and one very big realization later: in addition to being a patient, I had to be patient.
Let me elaborate. You don’t need a diagnosis to have distress (feeling stressed, angry, sad, guilty, ashamed, etc). And if we’re talking about “wellness,” you deserve to address the distress by 1) taking care of yourself and 2) inviting outside resources to help with that journey.
My learnings, to you:
Invite professional support into your life (doctors, therapists, counselors, coaches, etc.)
Learn what your insurance offers in the way of mental health care. Read the Explanation of Benefits or call the number to ask questions like “what is the intake process like” or “what is the frequency of appointments” or “how can I access a list of covered providers, is there a sliding scale?” or “do you offer individual therapy, group therapy, and/or skills-based classes?”
Be the squeaky wheel. Insurance companies set hoops for people to jump through because they are guarding access to these professional resources. Call again, and again, and again until you get the appointments you deserve.
Once you find a provider, continuously evaluate if they are working well for you. Test the waters out. Sometimes a provider isn’t a good fit, but you must keep trying. Ask questions and trust yourself.
You can also try out virtual provider sites like Betterhelp (they provide financial aid!)
Mental health wellness is not only restricted to therapy sessions or medications. Observe yourself:
What moments have you felt very motivated or energetic?
What moments can you name when you have felt caught off guard, angry, disappointed?
What activities bring you a sense of focus, calm, peace, or joy?
What are you feeling guilty about, and how can you subside that guilt?
Whether its exercise, watching tv, meditation, calling a friend, or any activity short of “presents serious risk of bodily harm” or “could bring forth legal action,” I would say go for it. Find the unique mix of activities and routine that keeps you centered.
PS. Journaling factually is helpful, but I find it hard to do. Try it though!
Not pictured:
many unanswered phone calls and texts
Relationships of any kind play into our wellness. This is where boundaries and expectations come into play. Understanding what you would be willing to offer in a relationship and what you expect in a relationship will help you understand how to ask for what you need, state when a boundary has been crossed, and adjust the relationship as needed.
I know it’s a lot of energy, but reach out to your friends and mentors. Especially in a pandemic world, social support is key! Here, try this language: “I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I was just thinking of you, and if you’re free, it would be great to talk in the next week or so.” If calls aren’t your style, write them a text message or note!
Protect yourself: Decide for yourself (or mutually agree), in what manner that other people have access to you, your time, and your energy. If you have complicated relationships that cause you to feel drained, set a limit on those interactions (for instance: communicating by email only, or having 1 hour exposure limit in group settings, and you get yourself a special treat afterward).
Buy time with: “I can’t respond to that right now, but I will get back to you” or “I need some more time to think, and thank you for respecting this.”
Everyone’s story and path is different. My hope is that you will take this letter and have some initial ideas for how to start, continue, or change your wellness journey. Try things, and ask for help. You won’t always know in advance what will work for you. This is coming from someone sitting in a chair having magnetic waves being pulsed through their cranium to reduce drug and therapy-resistant depression (it’s called TMS, it’s science, I think!).
Bring your truths out.
Keep your heart and mind open.
Sometimes be a patient, but always be patient.
Yours in loving energy,
Clara Dawn Luu, ’15/’16 (fifth year, human biology)
she, her, hers and they, them, theirs
FLAN Board Member
claraluu@alumni.stanford.edu
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