Mentorship in HEAL Support Groups

One-on-one connections complement the peer-to-peer support that are at the heart of the HEAL group experience. Mentorship is mutually beneficial and always free, so find out more below about becoming a mentor or mentee. Our HEAL mentorship coordinator can help with any questions.

What are the benefits of mentorship?

Fulfillment, meaning, and elevation for mentors and mentees alike.
Support for newer members outside of regular group meetings.
Gratification for experienced members completing the circle of support they once received.
Boosted group participation and healing (related research).

What does mentoring look like?

Mentorship is a voluntary one-on-one relationship between a more experienced HEAL member (the mentor) and a newer member who is often struggling with aspects of their healing journey (the mentee). No two mentoring relationships are alike, as each member has their own situation and journey, so mentorship may involve any of the following:

Connecting: deep listening, engagement, and awareness helps reveal where the mentee is in their healing process, and give them things to ask about in meetings. Connection could happen in-person (if possible), or via phone, text, or web app. communications--whatever is mutually agreeable to both

Supporting: providing emotional support in the form of non-judgemental encouragement and understanding for the mentee. For example, simple compassion for a mentee being overly hard on themselves. Mentoring support does not replace professional support such as therapy, but occurs in a supportive context of group meetings, professionals, family, friends, etc.

Learning: sharing practical healing strategies is a two-way benefit of mentoring. For example, sharing and discussing any of these key healing resources. Mentoring isn’t about advice, but finding things that may serve our journey in the other and leaving the rest.

Sharing: offering personal healing stories and perspectives, perhaps in response to mentee concerns. Mentoring isn’t about imposing personal views but discerning what might be useful for the mentee, and offering perspectives (e.g., “This is my story, does any of it resonate for you?”). Mentor sharing from a vantage point of relative stability and wholeness offers hope and perspective in a time of mentee vulnerability.

Questioning: asking helpful questions, while honoring the mentee’s unique journey and personal decisions. Questions could be about self-care, establishing healthy boundaries, or simply asking what the mentee needs most right now.

What do you need in terms of support at this stage of your healing?
Would you like me to just listen, or respond with some thoughts?
Is there anything I can do that will be of benefit to you right now?
What do you think a healthy, wise, compassionate, adult would do in your situation?

Celebrating: recognize, acknowledge and celebrate mentee progress, since they may not see their own process in the non-linear healing path.

Reciprocating: the mentoring relationship rewards both mentor and mentee by cultivating meaning, hope, support and wholehearted connection in navigating a challenging healing journey together. Mentees receive precious support and mentors may get inspiration, purpose, gratitude, and an invaluable perspective on how far they have come.

How can I become a mentor?

To become a mentor please complete this form if you are a HEAL support group member with the following qualities ...

Willing to give back by working one-on-one with newer members.

Experienced with twelve months in HEAL or a similar depth of healing progress (perhaps including being a mentee). Mentors need not feel 100% healed to provide support, since mentees can benefit from the progress and challenges that inevitably occur at all stages of healing.

Present to receive the words, feelings and experiences of others with equanimity.

Compassionate, understanding, empathic, non-judgemental stance for other healing journeys.

Positive in thoughts, words, and actions to model healthy recovery.

Available to periodically connect with the mentee and share time together.

Authentic in responding to mentee questions and support needs, while acknowledging that all situations, decisions, and paths are unique.

Engaged, potentially participating in some support group meetings with the mentee.

Healthy in terms of self-care, boundaries, and self-monitoring for compassion fatigue to keep mentorship safe for everyone.

Safe for the mentee in terms of protecting privacy, and maintaining objectivity. Mentors and mentees are not close friends and never romantic partners. The mentor is someone the mentee can feel respect and trust toward, without having a long-standing relationship.

How are mentors and mentees matched?

Mentorship is all safety, comfort, and engagement, so completing the mentor/mentee request form is the first and most important step in matching. As requests come in, the mentorship coordinator uses the following criteria to make matches.

The mentor and mentee must both be attending the same support group (either faithful or wayward).

Genders and/or sexual orientations are considered to maximize safety (or feelings of safety) for mentors, mentees, and any partners.

Similarities in healing journeys (such as affair type, age, reconciliation status, stage of recovery, etc.) are helpful, but not essential. Dissimilar experiences can also benefit mentees and mentors in ways which cannot be easily predicted.

The mentor does not have an existing mentee (or is willing to mentor more than one mentee at a time).

How long does mentorship last, how does it end, and can I give feedback?

Mentoring relationships are temporary, lasting as long as is beneficial to both people involved. Either person may bring their mentoring relationship to a close when the time feels right. When that happens, let the other person (and the mentorship coordinator) know, express gratitude for shared time together, and wish each other well. Mentees may find a new mentor, and/or move into a mentor role themselves. Mentors will continue to be paired with new mentees until they inform the mentorship coordinator that they no longer wish to mentor. Anonymous feedback from mentors and mentees about their experience can be submitted here, and is greatly appreciated.

Can I connect informally with other group members outside of mentoring?

The mentorship program above was created to provide safe and effective healing support. This program is the preferred avenue for 1:1 connections within HEAL. However, there are two other ways HEAL members can connect outside of regular meetings or discussion forums:

Use "Reply to Author" on forum posts to reply to a person individually (rather than the whole group, which is the default). Note the person may not reply and members can never see other member emails by default.

Members having a really bad day and wanting support sooner rather than later may post a message in the forum asking for such support.