Jiraporn's Story

Chapter 6: 'Fish Sauce and Gold'

Baan Nong Khra, March 2008.

Jiraporn followed her mother into the kitchen area and joined her as she sat at the table, the centre of their world. They both sat and said nothing, this wasn’t an uncomfortable silence but a time to gather thoughts and, for Jiraporn, to try to arrange hers in a way that would hold some logical sequence. Sophea knew her daughter better than she knew herself, every breath that was inhaled and exhaled, every eye movement as she stared intently at the irrelevant items that were always on the table were milestones of the mental journey she needed to undergo before committing to share what troubled her. Sophea waited, and was happy to wait for as long as it took. It wasn’t long.

‘Nick is quite badly hurt, his leg is broken, he has had severe blows to his head and to his chest. But he is very likely to survive and, after some time, will probably be almost as good as new’ Jiraporn said, while not looking up from the table. ‘It is good to hear your prediction, although it certainly sounds like he has a lot of work to go through before he gets there, but I am pleased the outlook is positive’, responded Sophea, ‘but I feel there is going to be more to this than just a medical summary’, she smiled and looked at Jiraporn. ‘You are correct, and I am sorry to say that some, if not all, of the rest will involve me, you and Tangmo, if not directly then definitely indirectly, and I am not sure that it is all going to be good’. Jiraporn had looked toward her mother as she spoke, almost with a sense of guilt, her words held no apology but an acceptance that this was out of her control’. She continued, ‘It is possible, no, probable that Nick’s accident wasn’t an accident at all, and that he has come across some information that has unknowingly put him at risk with people who have things to hide’. Sophea hadn’t moved or waivered as she listened, but now lifted her hand slightly off the table top, ‘Do you think that maybe you should go back to the beginning?’, she asked, ‘I have never wanted to know anything you have not wanted to tell me, but from what you are saying, this might affect Tangmo, and that is my red line - if anything comes into our house that threatens you or her, then I want to know everything about it so I can gauge my response. I know you and I are the same in this, so please consider letting me in’. 

Jiraporn raised her eyes and for a moment was speechless. Her mother had never spoken like this before, it had always been the case that Jiraporn had told what she wanted to say and that had been it. She had never been asked to give anything other than what had already been volunteered, never been asked to justify her feelings, words or actions. The reason for that was, and still is, that she did it anyway. There were no big secrets between them, just things that didn’t need to be said at that time.  But she knew her mother was correct, this could impact on all of them. There was also a sense of relief. Jiraporn stared at the bottle of fish sauce on the table, nodded her head and stood. She walked towards the room where Tangmo was hopefully sleeping, peaked around the door and smiled as she saw her daughter clutching a very worn, old doll and was blissfully in the land of nod. She returned and sat at the table and smiled at her mother, paused and drew a breath, ‘Nick is Tangmo’s father’, she said, and looked at her mother, who nodded and said, ‘I have always thought that he was, but thank you for telling me’. Jiraporn didn’t need to say anymore, but decided to warrant her previous silence, ‘You have never spoken about my father, and I have never felt any desire to ask about him. I have always looked around the other kids at school and felt that having just you was the best deal. I’ve never wanted to know about him and that is still the case. I thought, rather I hoped, that it would be the same with me and Tangmo, so I just wanted to erase the idea of a father for her, and the best way was not to acknowledge him in any way, even to you. I guess I was wrong’. 

It was Sophea’s turn to stare at the fish sauce bottle, for a little longer than would normally seem usual. After a few very long seconds she looked into Jiraporn’s eyes and began, maybe the most difficult sentence she had ever had to speak, ‘ I understand, and in many ways admire your logic and your attitude towards raising Tangmo, I think you are a wonderful mother to her and will continue to be, whatever transpires. But there is one huge difference between your situation and the one I faced 30 years ago. Nick is still part of your life and, if the past couple of years are anything to go by, could well become more so, in all of our lives, especially Tangmo’s. That was never going to be the case with your father. I’ve noticed a change in you since you have been working on the training restaurant, and it doesn’t take an Einstein to work out that change is mainly due to Nick. You haven’t needed to say anything, it has been in the way you’ve been. You have changed toward him and consequently towards everyone, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you so confident and happy. Our lives were never, and will never be, affected by anything your father could do, because he died about 3 minutes after raping me. I killed him. One day, if you want, I will tell you about the event, but I can’t tell you about him because I know nothing other than he was a brutal, horrible person. I am ashamed of taking a life, nothing will ever make that right. I admit that and I will have to face judgement when I meet Bhudda, but I would do it again now if he walked through that door. I am sure Nick is not perfect, but I’m equally sure he is not a serial rapist and murderer. The man who raped me was, and I have tried everything to make sure none of that was in you - it wasn’t, it isn’t and it never will be. You are the perfect antidote to evil, you are pure goodness and so is your daughter, my granddaughter. All three of us are proof that people are what they do and say, there is nothing that we might inherit in our behaviour that we cannot change if we wish to. I’ve wanted you to be nothing other than yourself, whatever choices you make should be formed by the person you are, not by who your parents and ancestors were. You have become that person, you are yourself and no one else, and I am so proud of you’.  

Jiraporn looked at her mother, not in disbelief, but with an awareness that many answers had just been spoken. The horror of what had happened, the courage she must have possessed, the simple doggedness that her mother had adopted by bringing up a child knowing that half of the genes that had created her had been forced on her by a monster. Jiraporn had never known anything other than affection and love and she was in awe, she could only feel admiration, gratitude and a desire to accept, cherish and return all that her mother had given to her. She cleared her throat and spoke slowly, considering every word carefully, ‘One day we will sit down and have a long talk. I really don’t care anything about my so-called father, but I would like to know more about you and what happened. But for now, all I can say is thank you for telling me what you have, and much more than thank you for being who you are and for everything you have done’.  They looked at each other, two women who for no fault of their own were talking about grave situations, one that needed to be confronted and one that had been. There was now more than just a mother daughter bond, as strong as that was, there was also a spirit of fight, a determination to overcome threats and challenges and an unspoken acceptance that if rules needed to be broken, then broken they would be, nothing comes between them. Sophea spoke again, this time to bring the conversation back to the present, ‘Tell me what happened tonight. What I’ve just told you I probably should have told you years ago, but for one reason or another I didn’t. It’s something that is a big part of both of us, but we need now to focus on today, and tomorrow’.

Jiraporn nodded in agreement and proceeded to tell Sophea all about the hospital, meeting Tonsai, going to Soi Selakam and the Blue Parrot and seeing Solly and the twins. She rounded off by relating her visit to Nick's house and, in an effort to bring in a lighter mood to what had become a dark tale, emphasised the positive feelings she had about seeing Tonsai and Solly again and how impressed she had been with Tukta and Ying. Sophea had remained silent all through Jiraporns words, just once raising her eyebrows when Jiraporn had said Tonsai’s family name, Buathong. ‘You mentioned Tonsai, did you feel he was a good man?’, asked Sophea, in a way that made Jiraporn sense this was a much deeper question than it seemed. ‘Yes, definitely’, she replied, ‘at first he was simply there as a police officer, and a very considerate and helpful one at that, but as soon as we both realised we knew each other, I got a really good feeling of shared, positive memories. Not many, but the ones I could recall were all good ones and I got the feeling he felt the same way, why do you ask about him?’. 

Sophea smiled to herself, ‘For two reasons, firstly, if the police are involved with anything it is good to know how they act towards you, it could make a difference in how things turn out. And secondly, I think I probably met him at your school, but more importantly, like Solly I know his father, Somsak, and I agree with your friend Solly’s assessment of him, he is a good guy. It is reassuring to know his son has turned out the same way. You said earlier that one day we will have a long talk about my, or our, past and we will. In that conversation Somsak plays a very important role. He and I have seen each other every month for over 20 years and still do, it is about my work with the factory, he is part of that, but you mustn’t say anything to anyone about it, because it is outside his police work. All I will say at the moment is that he is a good man, there is nothing malicious about what he does and although he is probably the most capable man I have met, he is not capable of evil, he is thoroughly decent’. 

Jiraporn was shaking her head, but smiling at the same time as she said ‘Is today ever going to stop throwing up revelations, I honestly think I will go to my bed a different person that got out of it this morning. We have to have this talk soon for the benefit of my sanity’ and she laughed gently and smiled at her mother. ‘I mentioned to you about Solly’s idea of Black and Blue, well, you are definitely in the Black team and I am thinking it might also be an idea to include Somsak and Tonsai, but that will need to be discussed with Solly and at the moment the ‘do they have to be in’ criteria would suggest they don’t. Before any more of today’s issues, can you tell me more about your relationship with the factory?  I have always known you have a commitment to them, and I have always presumed that part of the arrangement you have includes our living here, but you have never really said what you do for them, although it would be true to say that I never really asked either’.

Sophea’s eyes smiled at her daughter, ‘Well, I guess this is starting that ‘one day’ conversation, but I will keep it short. Not because I don’t want you to know everything, but because some of it is still unknown and confusing to me. I will let you know what I know and how it affects us now, then maybe, at a more suitable time, we can both work on the missing bits’. She paused, took a breath and asked ‘How many women do you know called ‘Sophea’? She looked at Jiraporn and waited for her response. Jiraporn thought for a moment or two and said, ‘Only you, I met a woman called Sophea a few years ago at a seminar in Bangkok, she was part of a delegation from a University in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. She said she was from Poipet which is close to the Thai border, to my knowledge it is a fairly unusual name from the northeast, in Issan’. Sophea nodded her head, ‘I believe there are a few Thai women in the northeast with this name, but very few. It is a Cambodian name which, unusually, hasn’t really crossed over to Thailand. I have this name because I am Khmer, I was born in Phnom Penh. I fled the city during the troubles brought on by Pol Pot and, after a lot of moving around, managed to get to a refugee camp over the border in Thailand, close to a town called Aranyaprathet. A Thai man turned up at the camp looking for me. He said he had been sent to get me by a benefactor, that was his phrase, not mine, and said I could go with him if I wanted. I told him about you, and you were about 3 months old then, and he said it made no difference, we could both go. This wasn’t official, he was there posing as a trader in labour for factories and farms in Thailand which the camp guards and officials were taking money to provide. I took a chance, mainly because he had a pick-up truck which looked fairly clean and seemed like he was not used to doing this sort of thing. My original thoughts were that as soon as he got us through the first 40 or 50 kilometres, if we had not already been killed, then I would grab you and run. But as it turned out, that never happened. I agreed we would go with him, I got hold of you and a bag with the few belongings we had and got in the truck. He drove to the gate, paid the guards some cash and we drove off. After a few kilometres, 4 or 5, he turned right and pulled up in a small wooded area. I thought I was about to be raped again, but he simply said to watch the road we had just turned off.  Within a minute, another truck went flying past. ‘They're from the camp, they want you back and they want to keep the money. They are going to try and kill me and steal this truck as well. None of that is going to happen. Do you know how to use this?  He gave me a handgun, I said ‘No, I have never held a gun before’. ‘Okay, we need to get out of the truck, but leave the baby on the seat’ he replied and we got out. ‘Watch closely and remember’, he said and showed me the safety clip, and said there were 6 rounds in the gun, there was no time to show me how to reload, and that if I had used 6 rounds and still had a problem, then there would be no point in reloading anyway’. He gave me back the gun and said ‘Shoot that tree’, it was no more than 4 metres away, he lifted his arms in a straight line towards to tree and gestured me to do the same with the gun, he said ‘Lean slightly forward and pull the trigger slowly but firmly’, I did and the gun exploded, but I was still stood up and there was a big mark on the tree just to the left of where I had tried to hit it. ‘That is as good as we can expect, give me back the gun’. I returned it to him, careful not to point it at him, and he quickly replaced the spent round. I watched him and asked him to give me some of the spare rounds, he looked at me and gave me a handful of bullets. We heard the sound of the truck coming back before we saw it, he told me to get behind the tree I had just shot and quickly grabbed an automatic rifle from the back of the truck. The truck drove up to him very quickly, engine screaming and pulled up. Within seconds 6 men had jumped out and were first pointing, then started firing their weapons, but they seemed slow and the sound of an automatic rifle soon had them diving to the ground. Two men landed near to me and I shot at one but missed, I then shot again and hit him. I shot at the other but missed, he rolled over and pointed his gun at me, I shot again but missed. He shot at me, fortunately his aim was as bad as mine and he missed me. I shot again and hit his head. He was dead. The first guy I shot was reaching for his gun, so I shot him again, this time he didn’t move. My gun was empty, so I tried to reload, I was fumbling but managed to get one round in the space, it clicked and then I tried again with another, again it clicked, so I refilled another four and hoped I had done it correctly. There was firing coming from the truck, I carefully stood up and saw that one of the bad guys was walking towards my rescuer, who was kneeling and pulling at something on his rifle. The bad guy was laughing and started to lift his gun. I raised my arms holding my gun and shot him, it was the most accurate shot I had fired and the bad guy dropped down, I walked to him and shot him again, just to make sure. There were 3 other bad guys lying down not far away. I walked up to them and shot each in the head. I didn’t like it, I just didn’t want anyone reaching for another gun again. After I had fired the last shot, my rescuer stood next to me. ‘Are you sure you haven’t done this before’. he asked, ‘Yes’, I replied, ‘and I don’t want to do it again’. 

The rescuer and I then spent 10 minutes dragging the bodies into places they wouldn’t be seen, and the rescuer then drove the truck the bad guys had used into the wooded area, out of sight. He checked the truck for weapons or anything of value, which there wasn’t, and then picked up all the guns and ammunition he could find. They went into the box in the back of our truck. Finally he went back to the dead guys and emptied their pockets of id and cash, took their watches and, in two cases, the gold chains from their necks. This haul also included the fold of cash that he had given the guard as we left the camp. That all went into a small bag and into the glovebox of the truck. I had got back into the truck already, to find you sleeping as if nothing had happened, and that was the loveliest sight I could have seen. When the rescuer got into the truck I asked him if he always stole from the people he had killed. His reply was simple, the guns and ammo were taken to keep out of harm's way and the cash and valuables went toward the cost of the operation, i.e. rescuing me, so if I would prefer he returned it all to the camp, then he would gladly take me back along with it. I said I was sorry, and I was, it had been a shock to escape the camp, be shot at and find I could shoot back and I had no idea of where I was or where I was going and I had a 3 month old baby that was soon going to need feeding. He nodded, smiled and said, tonight we will stop at Sakaeo and rest, then tomorrow we are going to a place called Hua Hin, or near to it, 250 kilometres south of Bangkok and that was where I was going to be able to make a new home. The benefactor had told him that there was nothing for me to fear, that if I didn’t like my situation, then I was free to leave at any time. I said that now we had killed 6 guys together, it might be a good idea to get to know each other's names. ‘I think your name is Sophea, but I don’t know the baby’s’, he said, gesturing towards you. I said your name was Jiraporn and he was correct about mine. ‘My name is Somsak, I am in the Thai Border Guard, but this is not an official assignment’, he smiled, ‘and thank you for saving my life’.

Sophea looked at the most observed fish sauce bottle in Thailand and said ‘That was a lot longer than I had expected, it didn’t really tell you what you wanted to know and isn’t helping with any of the issues we face tonight, so I am sorry in a way, but I am pleased to have told you at long last. I wish I had done so a long time ago’. ‘Don’t apologise’, said Jiraporn, 'you are amazing. So, Somsak is Tonsai’s father. “What tangled webs we weave'', Jiraporn part-quoted Sir Walter Scott. Sophea finished the quote “When first we practise to deceive”, although the last part isn’t strictly true, it is more an omission than a deception. ‘After that’, Sophea continued, ‘the journey was uneventful, thankfully, but Somsak and I found out a lot about each other, his marriage and family, my history before the camp and being born and raised in Phnom Penh. He told me about Hua Hin and Thailand, and although he never spoke directly about the benefactor, I got the impression it had something to do with my mother, your grandmother. When we arrived at our destination I realised it wasn’t Hua Hin itself, but a factory about 20k to the west that canned fruit, pineapples mainly, and my job was basically to liaise between the management and the factory floor. There were some Cambodians working there, but most were either local Thais or Burmese that were bussed in and out on a monthly basis. I was bilingual in Khmer and Thai, thanks to my mother, and soon  developed a working knowledge of the Burmese Myeik dialect used by the Karen people who came from Myanmar. I loved talking with all these people and built up really good communication with them all, but what I really enjoyed was bookwork. The paperwork that goes with all industrial processes is something I can follow easily for some unknown reason. Consequently I was employed by the higher management in problem solving. If there was an issue regarding anything to do with the documentation or the workers, they came to me. All this took a few years, but that is what I did, and still do, though most of the paperwork is done here at home on my laptop, and there are others on the shop floor to manage the workers. You are right to say this house is part of the deal, every 5 years my contract is re-negotiated and part of my payment is that we become the owners of the land surrounding these buildings, which we also own, our holding increases about 5 rai every new contract. It is a complex agreement, but it is legal and I am happy with it. Somsak has assured me that all is registered in my name at the land office and I keep copies of those documents in the bank in Hua Hin’.

Sophea looked up at Jiraporn, ‘That is basically my role at the factory, for the past 15 of the nearly 30 years I have been there, most of my work has been done here at home, but as you know I attend a meeting on the first Sunday afternoon of the month, and have to go into the factory if the need arises, which is rare. It might interest you to know that the university fees for both your Bachelors and Masters degrees were paid by the factory, it is an informal arrangement, but I think it has served its purpose for all involved, and still does’. Jiraporn looked at her mother and once again thanked her, ‘I am pleased to know about these things, and look forward to hearing more, in more detail, at some time. I really do have an amazing mother’, she smiled. Sophea stood, smiled and walked past Jiraporn, speaking as she did, ‘And a generous one, too, although this is going to come a lot later than it should have done’, and disappeared into her bedroom. Ten seconds later she returned holding a small box and gave it to her daughter. ‘This is mine, it was given to me by Somsak after our journey all those years ago, and now I am giving it to you, now it is yours. One day I would like you to give it to Tangmo, at a time you think is appropriate. But that is for you to decide, as is whether you choose to accept it, you may not want it when you realise what it is. 

Jiraporn opened the box and saw white cotton wool, she carefully lifted this to reveal a gold chain with a gold pendant. The pendant was a circle of gold, inside of which were two elephants, a parent, presumably a mother, and a baby elephant. ‘It’s beautiful’, Jiraporn said quietly, lifting the short chain and pendant out of the box. She tested the clasp to see if it still functioned, it did, and then placed it around her neck. She then stood and went to a mirror near the sink, it hung well, closely following the contour of her neckline, but with enough give to allow a slight ‘V’ effect. Jiraporn adored it. Sophea came up behind her so as to view the necklace on her daughter, ‘If you hadn’t already realised’, she said, with a touch of remorse in her voice, ‘that is one of the two necklaces Somsak took from the dead guards, and because of that I have never been able to wear it, but you may have different feelings, it is entirely up to you whether you wear it or not. I simply could never get the images of that gunfight out of my head whenever I contemplated putting it on, I hope you will feel differently’. ‘I do, very much so', now turning to her mother, 'I can’t visualise those images, but I know how you felt about your actions. Those feelings are what makes you the person you are. For me, this represents everything you have sacrificed, as well as all the memories of the love and knowledge you have given to me. I am ten feet taller wearing this, and I hope that one day Tangmo can feel just a little bit towards me as I feel toward you. But she’s going to have to get it off me first, I’m not taking this off. Are you okay about that?’ ‘Absolutely okay’, Sophea said, as they both turned to a shuffling sound coming towards them. ‘Hello Mrs Sleepyhead’, said Jiraporn, bending down to pick up her daughter, ‘What brings you here?’. Tangmo was still clutching her very worn doll, the same one Jiraporn had clutched over 25 years ago. Tangmo replied, ‘I heard noises, I think it was you and Yai talking. I like this’, she continued, touching the necklace, ‘Yellow elephants, can I have one?’ Jiraporn smiled ‘Yes, but not just yet. Let’s all have some water, and then we can go to sleep, does that sound good?’, ‘Okay’, said Tangee, already having difficulties keeping her eyes open.

After the cups of water were filled and drank, Jiraporn carried Tangmo back to bed, returning to her mother she said, ‘This has been a remarkable talk at the end of a remarkable day, and I still have a little bit of reading to do, so if you don’t mind I am going to take over the table to scan Nick’s computer and handy drive. I’m not going to go into great detail, just find if there is anything that is suspicious and note where it is. Then I need to get some sleep myself. I’ll be going back to the hospital in the morning’. ‘No problem at all, is there anything I can check on using my PC?’, Sophea asked. ‘That would be great, thanks, but not right now.’ Jiraporn responded, ‘I need to sort it out for myself first, then I would very much appreciate your help checking through documents, if I find anything that needs checking. I will be asking you as soon as I have stuff you can do for me’.  

Sophea nodded, smiled, helped to clear the table then hugged Jiraporn, ‘We’re going to have more talks, but right now focus on Nick and his situation. Don’t work too late, get some sleep as soon as you can.’ With that she kissed Jiraporn on her forehead, ‘Take care, see you tomorrow.’ ‘Good night, Mae, sweet dreams’. Jiraporn switched on Nick’s netbook and got out the handy drive, she had already decided to do all the work on his PC, so as to minimise the risk of virus transfer, and also to keep things in one place. Now all she wanted to do was a quick look at the file titles and try to gauge the amount of stuff that was facing her. She smiled as Nick’s photo came up on his netbook, asking for his password, ‘Well Nick, it seems you're not the only one capable of keeping things well hidden, when you get out of hospital you are going to have to meet my mother’, she said to Nick, although she was totally alone in the kitchen and talking to herself. ‘Let’s see if this works’, she continued, this time to the netbook and typed ‘Jezebel99’, the PC opened and welcomed Nick, ‘Okay, we’re in’, she smiled, her left thumb and forefinger were caressing the pendant as her right hand click the mouse to get into the file manager. ‘What have you got for me?’.