The Temptation of Being Right

We’ve all been there. Someone says something on an online forum, or in a conversation, something that we know is mistaken. Immediately we want to put it right. “That’s wrong!”, we might say. We might follow up to the posting in the forum with a negative comment of our own. We feel we have a right to correct the error: after all, we know the correct answer. We may even be a bit upset about the error, if it’s about something that we care highly about, or if the error is a viewpoint that we find repellant or ridiculous. It seems to be us to be worth a highly critical reply, even a scathing one. So we reply.

What happens next? Do our opponents, the ones who we are correcting, immediately back down, apologizing for their error and promising to do better next time? Do they thank us for our kindness in issuing a correction? Do they praise us for our wisdom and knowledge?

I think you know the answer.

Usually, they argue back. They answer our scathing comment with a scathing comment of their own. They dig in. They treat our view as repellant or ridiculous, and theirs as obviously correct. They may suggest that we are unwise, ignorant, mistaken or even maliciously deceitful. An argument ensues. Often these arguments have consequences: feelings are hurt, relationships are broken, bystanders are scandalized, and a great deal of energy is wasted.

Is there something different we should be doing instead?

Often there is. First we need to recognize some of the reasons people are attached to their views, reasons that may make them unwilling to listen to us, even if we are correct and they are incorrect. Their views may be associated with their team, tribe or group. They may see themselves as a particular political type, for example, with particular political beliefs that are characteristic of that type. Or they may think of themselves as belonging to a societal group, perhaps a group that has defining beliefs and feels that anyone who disagrees with those beliefs is opposed to the existence of the group. Or they may be attached to a religious denomination or subgroup with its own characteristic beliefs. When this is the case, our correction of the error can feel to them like we are attacking their identity, and they typically respond quite negatively.

Secondly, we need to recognize something very important that I learned from a friend who knew the late author Frank Sheed. Sheed, among many other things, would talk with strangers on the street about Catholicism. My friend said to me that Sheed had told him something worth remembering. He said that whenever you are tempted to put someone in his place, remember that his place is in heaven, so ask yourself first whether or not what you are about to say will help put him there.

So what to do when we recognize something incorrect? The important thing is to resist the temptation to blurt out a correction. Instead, we need to act in a way that respects the good of the other people involved. Blurting out a correction may in fact harden the other person in their incorrect view. It is better to think and pray about how to approach it. Perhaps the right thing is not to approach it at all. Nowhere does it say that we are personally responsible for correcting every single error we encounter. Instead, we should think about how we might speak with others in a way that they are likely to hear us. It will help to make it clear that we respect and love them, even if we do not agree. We should seek to build up trust, so that an honest discussion about a difference or disagreement will be more a matter of light, not heat. We also need to respect the fact that we cannot force others to think like we do: they are unique human beings with their own free will. Even if we have every reason to think that they would be better off agreeing with us, they won’t unless they choose to. Trying to force them will be counterproductive and damaging.

Now we can clearly name the temptation here: when we see or hear something that we know is wrong, we are tempted to correct it in a way that we feel is justified, because we know we are right. And yes, we may well be right. But correcting it bluntly may make matters worse. Being right is not enough of a reason to give a harsh or blunt answer. We need to be wise about it. Our best approach is to pray, to seek God’s guidance about whether we should reply, and if so, how. If we are meant to speak up, then let us do so in a way that is wise, humble, and kind. If our opponent is rude, cruel, or unfair, we need not imitate their bad behavior. If we keep constantly in mind that the important thing is not the viewpoint itself, but the good of the people involved, then we will be more likely to be able to do some good. So yes, reply, after seeking God’s guidance, if it is wise to do so. Then reply in a way that will help, not harm.