Creative Nonfiction

Shopping Lists for Life (2018)

·        Amniotic sac, umbilical cord, forceps, and fetal distress

·        Rattles, formula, blankets, and binkies

·        Dolls, crayons, ponies, and posters

·        Gift cards, feminine products, make-up, and movies

·        Snacks, coffee, paper, and pens

·        Rent, bills, salad, and sushi

·        Childcare, mac and cheese, broccoli, and books

·        House payment, life insurance, tuition, and timeshares

·        Pills, back warmer, cane, and candy

·        Vital signs monitor, IV, deathbed, and discharge

These were the lists I went to the store for, and each time I went, I didn’t come back with everything I needed. Instead, I came out each trip with more of what I had wanted and less of what I had needed. And at the time, I thought everything was necessary.

My parents were this way, too. While I had needed blankets for warmth, my parents also wanted me to have a cute little barrette and mittens to accessorize. They just wanted me to fit in with the other babies and children. I had come from parents who had hoped to show me the best in life, yet they didn’t have the best, so they had to hope. And hope is a small, useless, unnecessary thing in the eyes of consumers. My parents tried so hard, yet they could not give me all I wanted to live before giving me what I needed to survive.

While I needed to pay the rent, I also wanted to buy tickets to the carnival. I felt guilty buying that ticket when the rent sat crumpled in my pocket all but forgotten. But I so wanted to go. All my friends were going, so why shouldn’t I be able to go?

While I needed pills, I also wanted a picture frame for my grandchildren. I wanted to hold them through pictures rather than true memories. I felt the material look of them was better than the laughter I heard in my head. I wanted to see them rather than think of them. I bought them gifts, rather than buying pills.

Now, as I leave the store for the final time, I realize how much I forgot and how much I still needed to buy. But I’m running late for my next appointment. I don’t have time to go back inside and buy what I still need. What’d I forget, you ask? Well, I forgot rattles and crayons. I forgot movies and books. I forgot timeshares and candy. I forgot to buy what made life more fun. I forgot to buy the things that would make me smile. But, by God, I bought lamps and plants and perfumes. I bought computers and pillows and bags. I bought the things that were on sale. The things trending and ‘important’ to others. But not to me.