Media Representation

Audio Media

Music

There is a foundational relationship that exists between the bereaved and music (DiMaio & Economos, 2017, p. 66); in particular, when words are impossible to find, music is the "outlet to grieve" that you might just need (Pathways). While there are various uses of music during the grieving process, and "there is not one music experience that will magically help people 'feel better'" (DiMaio et al.), the following songs were written by suicide survivors—people who have experienced the same loss as you. As such, we hope that listening to these tracks could give fellow suicide survivors a sense of comfort, knowing their feelings are valid and shared amongst those who have also experienced such a difficult loss.

"How to Save a Life" - The Fray

Released on March 26, 2006, “How to Save a Life” was the second single from The Fray’s debut album of the same name. As their most successful release to date, “How to Save a Life” peaked at number 3 on the Billboard Hot 100 and spent 58 weeks on the chart, was nominated for a Grammy Award in 2007, and it has over 1 billion streams on Spotify alone.

This popularity likely stems from the track’s candor, having been inspired by lead singer Isaac Slade’s own personal experience. While working as a mentor at a shelter for troubled teens, Slade was paired up with a 17-year-old boy whom he bonded with over music. Though their friendship was blossoming, the boy resisted any help that Slade attempted to offer, and ultimately, committed suicide, thus inspiring this track.

While the verses of “How to Save a Life” are about the fruitless offerings of help that Slade made, Slade looks inward during the chorus. He first wonders, “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend / Somewhere along in the bitterness,” clearly feeling a bit of survivor’s guilt. Then, Slade adds, “And I would have stayed up with you all night / Had I known how to save a life,” demonstrating that he would have done anything to keep the teenager alive.

“How to Save a Life” is, thus, a song that wonderfully demonstrates the feelings a suicide survivor may undergo after losing someone to suicide, from confusion and guilt to regret and sorrow. Consequently, survivors should be able to take comfort in Slade’s lyrics and passionate singing of them, as he explores the complicated feelings they may also be experiencing.

"David" - Grimes

Although performed live on several occasions, “David” is an unreleased song by Grimes off of a scrapped album, likely written between her third and fourth studio albums. Despite the track never getting an official release, it remains a fan favorite amongst those who listen to Grimes, with videos of the lyrics and Grimes performing it at various shows garnering hundreds of thousands of views. Additionally, audio lifted from these performances, as well as leaked demos of the track, exist on SoundCloud, so “David” remains a key piece of Grimes’s discography—for fans and non-fans alike.

In her classic, dreamy-yet-nostalgic kind of techno-pop, Grimes explores the loss of her close friend and former business partner, David. In the track, she struggles to understand why David chose to commit suicide, singing: “How can you look so good and feel the way you do? / I never understood.” She goes on, describing how she wishes to bring David back: “I miss my old friend next to me / You were everything a companion had to be.”

Ultimately, however, the song seems to be an avenue for Grimes to explore the helplessness she feels in the face of losing her friend. The final words of the track—“I never knew”—emphasize just how unexpected David’s suicide was, which is surely something that many other suicide survivors can relate to.

Siese (2014)

"When It Rains" - Paramore

From politics and religion to mental health and the pressure to be perfect in the public eye, Paramore is a band unafraid of tackling and dissecting difficult topics via their music—and "When It Rains" is no exception to this. This track on Riot!, Paramore's sophomore album, details the loss of a friend to suicide.

Although more downtempo than its fellow songs on Riot!, “When It Rains” is a pop-punk track through-and-through, from the ringing guitar to the strong percussion. Overlaying it all, however, is lead singer Hayley Williams’ near desperate vocals, begging her friend to explain why they choose to commit suicide. In the chorus, Williams repeatedly asks, “And oh, oh, how could you do it? / Oh I, I never saw it coming / Oh, oh I need an ending / So why can’t you stay just long enough to explain?”

The verses, on the other hand, explore what Williams imagines her friend must have been going through. She realizes that her friend “made [them]self a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole,” and likely never would have accepted help, even if it was offered: “And when it rains / Well, you always find an escape / Just running away / From all of the ones who love you.” Despite these unfortunate realizations, Williams just wishes that the friend would have opened up about their struggles and allowed her to help, pleading: “Take your time / Take my time / Take these chances to turn it around / Just take these chances, we’ll make it somehow.”

“When It Rains” is, thus, a multi-layered track, exploring the various reactions and feelings a suicide survivor may experience after the loss of a loved one. Let Williams’ lyrics and voice comfort you, then, as you go through this journey too.

Visual Media

For many, there is comfort to be found in seeing a relatable character or experience on screen; this concept is known as media representation, and it is incredibly important. As Race to a Cure explains: "In a multicultural, diverse, multifaceted society, it is vital to amplify the voices and share the stories of all." As such, stories of suicide and suicide survival, which have long been shied away from, need to be told in the media.

Especially in America's death-averse culture, sharing the chronicles of suicide survival can only improve public awareness and capability to handle such an important yet sensitive issue. Furthermore, for our survivors, seeing their feelings and experiences explored across different television shows and movies, as listed below, can validate what they are undergoing.

TV

13 Reasons Why

13 Reasons Why is a Netflix series directed by Brian Yorkey. Released on March 31, 2017, the show features a group of fictional high schoolers from Evergreen, California, who are distraught after the loss of their friend, Hannah Baker, who tragically committed suicide just before the start of the first season. 13 Reasons Why addresses how bullying can greatly affect mental health, as viewers learn early on that Hannah was greatly influenced by the way she was treated. A shock to those who knew her, Hannah left behind 13 tapes; each exploring a reason she chose to commit suicide. These reasons are all based on friends, acquaintances, and former bullies of Hannah and how their actions affected her decision. The person grieving the most, Clay Jensen, makes it his mission to find out why this happened.

The series depicts the aftermath of Hannah's suicide and how it affects those around her, providing insight into the complex emotions that are experienced after a complicated death like suicide. Clay experiences complicated grief, with ever-present thoughts of Hannah seemingly haunting him as he begins to act in a rash and uncharacteristic fashion. During a tour for foreign exchange students, he begins to shout and declares that the student body is the reason for Hannah's death. He laments over the way the school handles Hannah's suicide, seemingly trying to quickly move past it and cover it up rather than find out who was responsible for contributing to her declining mental state. He is deeply in pain, and cannot reason why nobody else seems to be. In a state of rage, Clay says, "Everyone is just so nice until they drive you to kill yourself."

As Clay moves through the grieving process during the show's four-season run, he is eventually able to come to terms with Hannah's suicide by connecting with the friends the other tapes were about, and no longer lets the negative feelings it caused him run his life. This series, therefore, shows the importance of seeking help and support via community, although professional help is also important to seek for those struggling with complicated grief.

I Am Not Okay With This

Released in 2020, I Am Not Okay With This follows teenager Sydney "Syd" Novak as she tries to navigate life after losing her father to suicide— and the development of her newfound telekinetic powers. Syd feels like her mom, Maggie, never talks to her about her father's passing, leading to further conflict between the two as they try to cope in their own ways. Maggie has taken on a lot more shifts at the diner, in an attempt to provide for her family and a possible tactic of avoidance. As a result of this, Syd has been expected to step up to the plate to play more of an active role in caring for her little brother, Liam, which she feels is something her father wouldn't make her do and causes further resentment to form. The reluctance of her mom to talk about the death of her father is likely due to not only her own grief in losing her husband, but the stigma surrounding suicide. This example of disenfranchised grief leads Syd to feel even more isolated in her pain.

Isolation and repression of grief can lead to it to worsen and become complicated grief. As Syd's intense feelings of anger and confusion continue throughout the show, she begins to uncover more pieces of her dad. In a step in the right direction, Maggie finds Syd in the basement after she has used her powers to unlock a mysterious box of her father's. She gives Syd more information about her father, leading her to piece together the connection that herself and her dad both shared the same abilities. Even this short conversation leads to progress in Syd and Maggie's abilities to process the death. Their relationship begins to mend, as a safe space in the home to process grief is created.

I Am Not Okay With This can be helpful for other survivors to watch, as they may see parts of themselves and their own experiences in Syd, Maggie, and Liam. In fact, children who lose parents to suicide often wonder why they weren't enough for them to stay, which can lead to intense reevaluations of self (Alvarez, 2020). The supernatural forces that Syd discovers are at play in her father's death aid in the cessation of these guilty feelings for Syd, thereby demonstrating that suicide is a deeply personal choice that loved ones should not feel responsible for.

Movies

A Star is Born

Directed by Bradley Cooper, A Star is Born (2018) dives into the intense and tragic relationship between two musicians: Jackson Maine (played by Bradley Cooper) and Ally (played by Lady Gaga). As Ally grows to superstar-level fame, Jackson's career unravels as he faces personal demons, such as alcohol and drug abuse along with a complicated past, which tragically leads to him taking his life at the end of the film.

Jackson and Ally's relationship, while sweet at first, quickly turns unhealthy, with a lack of communication, emotional abuse, and a tragic ending. For instance, Ally constantly doesn't get to make her own decisions because the men in her life often make them for her, such as Jackson determining her career decisions. Additionally, rather than talking out their problems, Jackson resorts to mistreating Ally, calling her ugly and not supporting her new music career. Jackson's decision to use drugs and alcohol to mask his feelings is his true unraveling point. (Krysten)

In conclusion, as Ally rises to fame, Jackson falls from stardom, becoming depressed and resorting to substances to hide his true feelings. This leads to hardships in their relationship and, ultimately, results in Jackson's suicide. Just after Ally had canceled her tour to be with Jackson more, Jackson chose to commit suicide. In the aftermath, Jackson's brother reassures a guilt-stricken Ally that his death wasn't her fault, as it was a decision of his own; thus, A Star is Born demonstrates how you never know what someone could be going through, even when they're your life partner (Krysten). This can provide comfort to other survivors who struggle with the guilt that can be triggered by all the "what if?" thoughts that make them wonder incessantly if they could have prevented the death.

Dead Poets Society

Dead Poets Society is a film directed by Peter Weir in 1989. Set at Welton Academy in the 1950s, the film features English teacher John Keaton, who is played by Robin Williams. Keating uses an unconventional teaching style to inspire his students to live life to the fullest. The film conveys themes such as resisting conformity, individualism, and the consequences of deviating from societal norms.

Additionally, Dead Poets Society shows the impact that William's teaching methods had on his students, inspiring them to think critically, question norms, and do what they are passionate about. Student Neil Perry is inspired by Williams to pursue his dreams and break away from societal norms. Neil clashes with his father, fighting between self-expression and conformity but still decides to join a play to pursue his newfound passion for acting. As the conflict with his father escalates, Neil is withdrawn from Welton and enrolled in a military academy, causing him to feel trapped in a world where he can't express himself.

Tragically, Neil ends up taking his own life. The film handles his suicide with sensitivity, highlighting the contributing factors to his untimely death, such as social pressure and lack of communication. As his parents and headmaster begin to investigate Neil's death, his shaken friend Todd grapples with acceptance. He reasons that it must have been his father, as Neil would never give up on life. Although Mr. Keating was merely the one who encouraged Neil to take part in the play and not the one who shamed and punished him for it, he still undoubtedly harbors some degree of guilt for his death.

Neil's untimely death finally makes it clear to the students that they must live each day to the fullest. They honor Neil by breaking the status quo to show their respect for a terminated Mr. Keating, with Todd leading the charge by standing on desks and proudly declaring, "O Captain, my Captain!" Survivors who watch this movie may be inspired by the way Todd and Keating honor the late Neil by living their lives as he would have wanted, and take note for their own journeys.

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