“Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” Romans 10:13-15
I never would have thought that I would be able to tell people about the hidden things of my life before being saved. I was so ashamed of how I was living even in the moments of living them out. I was once like some of you behind closed doors, but through Him a new life can begin, and it is possible no matter how long, dark, and lonely the tunnel can seem.
From the moment I was born, I wanted to die… I’m sure my parents did the best they could with what they knew how, but honestly, both had their own trauma that shaped how they raised my siblings and I. Outwardly, I had a normal childhood, playing with the kids on our street and growing up to eventually go to the same schools. But my mom seemed to always have her own agenda with the people around us, starting unnecessary fights and because of that, I had a difficult time. I became a black sheep that was constantly bullied. She never realized what kind of impact she had on me that even went on to my adult years.
My room became a hiding place for many things. And in that small part of our house, no one knew of the depression and suicidal thoughts I was fighting. Constantly telling myself "I can’t wait to leave this place ."
My parents fought a lot and the police often visited because of it. My mom was a religious hypocrite who was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. She forced catechism, church services, altar serving, daily rosary prayers, novenas and weekly prayer meetings etc. on us. But even with all that, I still didn’t know who Jesus was.
I felt alone inside, looking for ways to fill the empty voids in my life. Which led me to many far off and dangerous roads I shouldn’t have taken. I started to live recklessly, ready to bet it all cuz my life was not worth living and I had nothing to lose.
Multiple addictions started to form in various ways to numb myself, which only opened a pandora’s box of evil in my life. Something was pulling me away, and before I could even blink, I was walking in complete darkness.
If I couldn’t find love in my own home, I would try to find it in others. At least that’s what I tried to do. My first real relationship was one of the worst choices I have ever made, that had me in a downward spiral. I was completely ruined. He cheated often, desiring transexuals, even going for underage girls and at the same time had gotten me pregnant. I then began severely mutilating my body in order to feel a sense of release.
That relationship became a trigger for how I would then treat others afterwards. Seeing only red, I was unable to understand why I had deserved such a thing to happen to me. "Why me?!!" My relationships later only exposed my insecurities, and without a healthy means of coping, it had consumed me. I started to see my mom in myself, being verbally abusive, now violently laying hands on people over how they treated me, even going to the extremes of punching them in the face in the middle of conversations, hitting them with my car, then trying to stab them or others.
I was getting so high that I couldn’t even form sentences anymore. Even my days would start by drinking them away keeping alcohol in my truck for easy access. Now watching porn and masturbating just so I could feel something at least pleasurable, so I could escape, wanting to offset the downs of my choices. But that too had a toxic hold on me and I was utterly addicted, now in bondage. A crack soon became an open door that turned into a large pathway to other things that started to creep in.
I was struggling with my identity, and was in confusion. A tomboy who wanted to now identify with the opposite sex. Was it because of my son’s dad that made me feel less than, or because my mom was always favoring my younger brother, who could do no wrong in her eyes, leaving me feeling neglected? Either way, all played a part in same-sex attraction, now realizing it rooted from trauma and rejection.
As I got older the people around me started to see me as just a broken child. Over the years, I had been "adopted" by 3 moms and 2 dads. Every level of my hardship there was someone there to be a parent to me, giving me comfort in their own way. I now had this pretend family I could run to. But even then it couldn't fulfill my need to be loved.
The emotional pain was more unbearable than the physical. The mental gymnastics was too much. I physically hurt inside, draining me day by day. Even though I wasn’t dead, I was dying inside. I was terrified of death, but yet I also longed for it to come. The intrusive demonic thoughts would continue to say, "No one cares about you, you are all alone, no one loves you, JUST KILL YOURSELF."
I would speed down the freeway, driving off to nowhere, screaming to the top of my lungs with tears rolling down my face, crying out to God begging.... Sometimes even sloppy drunk I would find myself praying. The seed of prayer my mom planted in me those years back had only grown. I was completely desperate just wanting to be seen and heard.
One day as a young adult, I had asked God if He was still there. At that very moment, His presence filled my car. This warmth touched my face, as if the Lord had cupped me in His hands and was comforting me that He had always been there.
Even at that time, I didn’t respond to Him. In fact, many years had gone by before I acknowledged that again. That memory I had hung on the shelf and had walked away. It took me many mistakes since, multiple cuts to the heart, deep brokenness, and tons of regrets before I gave my life to Jesus. This was my first encounter…
I stopped listening to people and was now rebellious, trying to prove my worth. No matter how far I could take it, I would, since no one cared about me, I decided I wasnt going to care about myself or others. Life had now become a game I played. Selling drugs was a small part of me trying to find my value. In the dark, I used my anger and violence to dominate weak men by bdsm, to entertain the perverse ways that were in me. I told myself, why not? I am already abusive. I might as well take advantage, control, and degrade others for laughs. What amused me more was that people saw me as one way, not all knowing I was living an undercover double life.
But even doing all that, God started to break off these multiple addictions. The same addictions that I had grown to hate were now being taken away from me, leaving me with no desires. One by one, the things that had me in a choke hold were now gone. As it says in John 8:36, 'And whom the Son sets free is free indeed.' I was truly free.
Yet sin was still there doing its thing! Now getting arrested for hitting someone with brass knuckles only to have that same person bail me out, just for me to turn around and beat them up again for putting me in there in the first place. Stupid to say, but I wasn’t ready to give my life to Jesus. Still, He waited for me...
My last worldly relationship had me in a mid-life crisis. That’s when I started trying hard drugs for the first time. The violence in me never stopped. This relationship would test me, he would purposely embarrass me in front of others. I didn't want to live like this anymore, but couldn't take it, and as I tried to leave, I snapped. The fight ended with bystanders watching me uppercut him in the stomach then stomping him down into the bushes. The police got called once again. I kept attracting all these narcissistic men, this one in particular would even profess God 1st. In the beginning, I believed him. But his life showed otherwise. Deep down, I wanted God too, but I didn’t know how I was going to come to Jesus in the condition that I was in. I remember one fight we had about God Himself. I was so mad and offended, because even with all that I had done, I knew Jesus had never left me. That moment became my final straw.
No matter how hard I tried, how much I did, how far I'd run, how much money I'd make, how many secrets I kept, how many lives I was trying to live, I was unable to do anything in my own strength to remove the unending, tormenting emptiness inside. All I was, was a dead man walking, blind to my destructive ways, with a first-class ticket to hell, the devil laughing, sitting right next to me, holding my hand.
At work I used to pray often, "Lord, bring me someone who will bring me closer to you". Suddenly a new co-worker appeared. She would always tell me that she would pray. Her life was a hot mess, but even though she wasn't sold out for God, God still used her. We planned to try to go to church, but not long after she would just soon leave. I was hungry to find God, but I didn't know what to do or where to go. So I joined a Christian forum in the chat, I told them I was scared to give my life to Jesus. "What if my life changes, and I can't do what I want anymore?" "The devil is trying to stop you from giving your life to Him" someone responded. Something in me just clicked, my understanding was being opened, and I decided to go all in. The background of my life, something was whispering to me, 'If you seek Me, you will find Me, if you seek Me with all your heart...' Jeremiah 29:13.
Once again, something started to happen... Within a week, at work, I walked away from the counter for just a second. When I turned right back around, a Bible appeared, but there was no one in the building. The next day, someone walked across the gas station, passing all these other people, headed straight to only me, the farthest away. This man told me the Gospel of Salvation, the power to save. Then the next day, I was pissed off venting about what my last ex said: "Your prayers don't count if you aren't praying on your knees.” A Pastor suddenly showed up, and told me that Jesus prayed to the Father while He was on the cross, and He heard His prayers.
I started going to church, and every week I was breaking down because the sermons spoke to my life circumstances. The Lord was now showing me He had heard me all along. He was sending signs, whether small or big, to bring me to a place of surrender, using anyone and anything to touch my heart and to bring me into His unconditional, selfless, and sacrificial love.
Not long after, I was baptized with the Holy Spirit while at work, and was even given prophetic spiritual gifts. My desires completely changed. I now see that God only wanted what was best for me, and I didn’t have to come to Him already cleaned up. The Holy Spirit would convict me of my sin, and my body would shake. I was being corrected, things were being removed, I was being transformed. He was the one who was now cleansing me. "I am a new creation in Christ Jesus" 2 Corinthians 5:17. I didn't miss my old life, He changed my life completely within a week. Everything was made new. My only regret is, I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I would have gave my life to Him sooner.
The reality of this story is, apart from Jesus, I could have easily died with a front row seat to hell. Jesus came to save, but Satan also wanted my life, and wanted it badly, even from my mothers womb. It was by God's grace that I am here today. I was 6 months old with a heart murmur, on the verge of dying even then. If I would have let my thoughts overtake me as a child, when I would hide under the table grieving for this hurt to end, slicing my body to pieces in the privacy of my room where you could feel the demonic spirits hiding and watching, I could have gone so far as to actually kill myself. Even in my rage, evil thoughts would say, “you could torture them like this,” I'd lash out at those who hurt me. But God held us both back, sparing my life and theirs. I’d come home to drink up my sorrows but my sister would always show up to stick her fingers down my throat, making me vomit all the alcohol before it killed me. God used her to save me when I didn’t care if I lived. The car accidents I was in were like me dodging bullets. My son's dad tried to kill us, pulling my steering wheel, tail spinning us in circles, facing oncoming traffic on the freeway, just so he could drive us off the cliff. Doing mountains of cocaine and was popping mollies with a heart that should’ve given out. I got t-boned now and was left with a totaled car, just to go to the hospital to find out that I needed another major heart surgery right then. I’ve been cheated on and stalked multiple times for years. I’ve been surrounded by peoples rage and obsession, but it never went as far as it could have. God had set a boundary that couldn’t be crossed. Even when I was running from Jesus, He was running after me. Looking back, I see that I wasn’t just “lucky”. Over and over again, every time death was around the corner, Jesus stepped in and said, "She is mine". He allowed me to still make it. Not because I deserved anything from Him. I didn’t make the right choices. But His mercy was bigger than my mistakes.
Why is He my hope? Because Jesus’ love for me. Through all this, He showed me His salvation.
No matter the situation, know that you are loved, and God is chasing after your heart. Hold on to the hope that only Jesus can bring, not letting go. Maybe your circumstances led you to where you are today; feeling numb, fed up, tired, life full of things but empty inside, alone, hurt, sick, abandoned, rejected, angry, abused, used, and disappointed. It's never too late… You are never too far gone… I want to remind you that God is with you, wanting to help you through the tough times. As it says in Psalm 34:18, 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.' He wants to heal your wounds, comfort your heart, and guide you through the darkest moments. Don't give up hope; hold on to Jesus, and He won't fail you.
God has a plan for your life, regardless of the current situation. As Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He wants to secure your future, but even so beyond this life. One inevitable truth is that we will all one day face death and with that eternal judgment. But with Jesus, we have hope beyond the grave. As Jesus said in John 11:25-26, "I Am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” God's love is not based on our deserving or earning it, but on His grace and mercy through His finished work on the cross, His death (Jesus body and blood that would be given for the forgiveness of sins & salvation of mankind), burial, and resurrection (His victory over sin and death & God’s promise of eternal life). He wants to have a personal relationship with you, to help, teach, heal, deliver, strengthen, and to walk with you through life to give you peace. He is faithful even when the road ahead seems uncertain, and He will complete all that He starts in you. Trust in Him! He is the answer you have been waiting for. Let's turn away from the past, this old life, our mistakes, and instead turn fully to God showing that we are sorry for these things, trusting Him for a new beginning. He is a Father who loves you, who cares, who just wants their child to come home and is waiting patiently for you with open arms!
How can I be saved? Saved from what?
Because of our sin and our rebellion against God, we all deserve death and eternal separation from Him (Romans 6:23). God is perfectly good and Holy, so sin divides us from Him, leading to eternal destruction (Matthew 25:46; Revelation 20:15). We need to be saved from this separation and its eternal consequences.
How did God provide salvation?
Only God could pay the debt of our sin. Because He is infinite and cannot die, He took on human flesh as Jesus Christ (John 1:14). Jesus lived a sinless life, taught the truth, and willingly died as the perfect sacrifice for our sins (2 Corinthians 5:21; 1 John 2:2). He suffered, died, was buried, and rose again on the third day, fulfilling Scripture and proving His victory over sin and death (1 Corinthians 15:3-4). "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). By His grace, through faith in Jesus, we are restored to a right relationship with God (2 Corinthians 5:18).
What must I do to be saved?
Recognize your need: All have sinned and fall short of God's glory (Romans 3:23). No amount of good works can save you (Ephesians 2:8-9). Repent: A complete change of mind, heart, and actions that turns away from sin and now turns toward God. It involves a sense of guilt, a grasp of God's mercy, a change of attitude (Acts 3:19, Joel 2:12-13, 2 Corinthians 7:10-11). Trust in Jesus: Call on Jesus, asking Him to save you (Romans 10:13), trusting Him to guide your life. Believe in Jesus: "Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead" (Romans 10:9-10). Believing He rose from the dead shows you trust He has power over sin and death. This faith saves you. Rest in God's promise: Your sins are forgiven and forgotten (Psalm 103:12), and you have eternal life through Jesus, the only way to God (John 14:6). Through His perfect sacrifice, salvation is offered to all who believe (John 6:40).
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