Hello, My name is Carl and I am 49.

In April 2025 I will turn 50, I don't mind turning 50.  It is just a number, nothing you can do about getting old, even though 50 does sound old.  A little bit about me, not too much as I don't want to bore you.

I am married to Louise, we have been married for 23 years this year and together for 30 years.  That is an achievement itself, how she has put up with me for that amount of years without going clinically mad or committing a crime I will never understand.  But I count myself a very lucky man, I don't always see it that way.  We have both grew old together, flabbier together, grumpier together, more lines together, but after 30 years we are still together.  What we have both gone through tough times together and it is a surprise how we are still together.  I digress.  I was born in Leicester, a city in the heart of England.  This is not a sob story and I'm not writing this for any other reason but to describe me (more on why I am doing this later).  My parents worked hard to feed and clothe us, me and my 2 brothers, 1 younger and 1 older.  Growing up I was a cheeky little sod, was never very good at school, if I am truly honest I never gave it my best shot.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you can look back and regret or you can move on.  I don't believe we make bad decisions, at the time you make the best decision at that moment in time with the information you have.  Sometimes with the fuller picture you realise that a different decision could of been made..... Again that is hindsight.  

A massive part of my life has been Basketball, I was never great at Football and didn't fit in with the players at school, so I turned to Basketball..... And I enjoyed it.  Was never the best at it but I have been lucky to have many friends from the sport and you can't beat being part of a team where you have your teammates back and they have yours.  For a short arse I could actually jump quite high and enjoyed the parts of the game that others wasn't so keen on, a rebound above a taller opponent or blocking somebody gave me a kick. I played in the local league in Leicester playing at a few different teams with fond memories in all teams.  

I appreciate if you have read this far.  This is isn't meant to be a life story but just an introduction of why I am doing this site, if truth has it I'm actually sitting on the toilet writing this, perfect space for peace and quiet.

Me and Louise had a joke one day saying that we were going to have a 3 part plan to our lives.  Part 1 - Buy a House. Part 2 - Get Married.  Part 3 - Have Children.  Strangely enough, even though it was a joke and not a plan, we actually did all 3 parts in that order.  Parts 1 and 2 are the usual couples stories and part 3 should of been, but we had a different twist on the story. 

In 2002 Louise was pregnant.  Fantastic.  Unfortunately due to complications and Louise having Pre-Eclampsia Thomas was born 12 weeks premature.  An emergency C-Section with both parents not knowing what was going on, we were excited to meet our son, but we didn't know what was happening.  Well Louise didn't as she thought she would leave all the hard work to me whilst she was in intensive care with HELLP syndrome!!! A new dad whose wife was so ill she was hallucinating about dancing coke cans and a son who was so premature he was on life support himself.  I made the tough decision to be with Louise as I wanted us to be with Thomas together, he was never meant to last the night and Louise was wheeled up on his first night to say our goodbyes, which was also our hello's.  Now I could write about this part of my life plenty more than I will do, but i am getting marks on my bottom for sitting down too long on the toilet.  To cut a very long story short.  Thomas lived for 8 months, in fact he lived for exactly 8 months and died in our arms 8 months and an hour old.  We have had easier decisions to make and believe me we have thought and thought about whether that was the best decision to make, but again you make a decision on your information at the time.......... Hindsight can do one on this occasion.

We are proud parents of 2 more boys (3 boys just like my parents),  Charlie who is 19, a fine specimen of a man.  Goes to the gym and also plays Basketball, he has a heart of gold and we are so proud of him.  Proud when he passed his driving test first time, proud that he works hard to earn money, proud that he is doing well at college and we will be proud when he goes to University.  He gets the brunt of my grumpiness and I need to be a better dad.  William is 15, a football mad young man who would help anybody.  He would give you his last pound, he is the most loyal friend to anybody he lets close to his life.  William is fantastic company and if you were stuck in a lift with him he would make things better.  We are proud of William the same way as with Charlie. My Nan always said to me that we all need a William in our lives.  

Why am I here, writing this?  What is 50 before 50?

Even though I am a lucky person with a loving family, I have recently be struggling with my mental health.  I stopped being a part of Basketball as a coach because I was struggling to give it all in my sessions.  This wasn't fair on the young players.  My health isn't great as I don't eat the healthiest, my weight is the most it has ever been, I don't like the way I look and don't like myself.  However this is my fault, I don't blame others or make excuses for my weight.  I have nobody else to blame but myself, and I am the only one to make it better.

More recently the dark cloud is getting darker.  I distance myself from my family with some days going to bed as soon as I get home from work and not surfacing until the next day.  I find it hard to be positive in anything I do, I overthink what I have achieved whether in the workplace or at home and feel like I am useless.  Why would anybody like me as I don't like myself? I hide how I feel from people, I find it hard to get help and push loved ones away.

This has to stop, it isn't fair on my family, my friends but more importantly it isn't fair on myself.  So I wanted to do a list of things to do before I am 50.  None of the ideas are huge ideas and most I have already done.  Everything I tick off of the list I will take a photo and post on here.  It isn't about lots of people reading this and probably nobody will.  It is about me trying to do the right thing for my family and improving our lives.

The list isn't in any order.  Each number I will upload a picture of me completing the task.  A little bit like a panini sticker book (other sticker books available), but with no swaps.

Maybe you can help me??? If you can then click here to contact me