Chapter 1
“I don't exist. It's a rule. If something exists, there's porn of it.”
Eric laughs with pure confusion.
“I haven't heard many ideas from you lately, Sal. Thanks for the input.”
“It's almost as if it's saved for a special occasion or so it doesn't get worn out, but every now in my dreams a beautiful version of Lorenze appears. Not physically, physically, he is the same. But he will grace me with this ethereal wisdom, the exact thing I needed to hear. I know dreams are created in my brain but I don't feel that way because sometimes random people talk to me and they’re speaking a level of Japanese I don't understand. I don't subconsciously know more of a language. I'll be losing pretty bad with an awful hand in poker and Lorenze will tell me the girl isn't worth chasing. Well, that's all I'm going to say, I can’t tell you guys more than that. If I started saying wild things from the moment this group I formed then maybe at this point I could say it but that's not this world. So pizza next week? Sal, I know you’ll only say yes if David and Lorenze say yes so I'll ask the other two first.”
“Maybe, it depends on if I have an essay or not.”
“Dammit David, get assignments on other days of the week.”
If someone were to ask me what point I gave up on life at, I would wonder why self deprivation and depression is an acceptable character trait to write about. What am I supposed to do? Act like I haven't heard that exact thing before? I don’t think any previous iteration of me would believe I’m going to make it to 24 with no notable efforts made in furthering my life. By life I am solely talking about movies or shows or any form of media that extends out of my head. I still have a few more months before hitting 24 but that will just mark 8 years since I realized I can’t do this on my own. They gave up on me a while ago, but every so often we get pizza. I don’t think I’ll ever tell David, Sal, or Lorenze I need them to capture my dreams and finish what I started when I picked up that camera. I met with Daniel not that long ago, he got away from me Sophmore year, for some reason it seemed like being away from me all that time ended up better for him. He only made it into one video. I think that was the video I realized it was time to put down the camera and stop trying to make something out of nothing when I'm with everyone. It seems like I fell into a dark hole because I relied on myself to do anything.
“He missed an entire day with no communication. His shift was for 3P.M., he had the whole day to check if he was scheduled and either call in sick or try and make it.”
“Are you authorized to give strikes David?”
“The manager is going to scold him but nothing is ever going to change. He's just going to do something just as stupid next week.”
“Better people is probably always the best solution but workers like you are hard to find. The only complaint about you is from Sal because he thinks you owe him Napoleon ice cream.”
“Well Sal has to buy it himself.”
“LORENZE! Lorenze. It’s me, Eric. What are you doing? Are you on a walk?”
I think I run across Lorenze purely by chance. Being in the same town doesn’t equate to anything. There aren't high chances of us stumbling into each other because Lorenze marches through the breeze of empty roads when moonlight is all that’s left. It’s not that I have a curfew, there just seems to be nothing to do past 8P.M.. David I can find, but actually I don’t think I stumble across him at all. It’s not that it’s about the power of friendship or something, I'm just thinking about my standings with members of the MCT. Sal is the one I know I’ll never see just walking aimlessly. I can’t think of any stores I would catch him at. Maybe pestering David about Napoleon ice cream but in that case I would probably be the one driving him there. I wonder what he’s up to, but then again I don’t think he wonders what I’m up to, probably because I pester him with whatever recent events I have to tell him.
Other than that it’s just a standard life for me. The fact I don’t have a single short film or movie haunts me to this day. I have nothing to say when I introduce myself. Sometimes I pause and wonder if I should say, “I could’ve been a really great filmmaker.” I don’t even know who I would be introducing myself to.
At the local post office two people that know each other just barely enough to stop and say hi to each other, stop to do the obligatory deed.
“This guy was bending medal and stuff like that. He was old, barely any muscle. You should ask Eric about it. I guess we’ll just assume he knows Kung fu. I used to think it’s some bull shit but someone showed up at the same boxing gym and for some reason it felt convincing. He called it chi and he just said he meditates or something for like 8 hours a day and that he has full control over his human and spiritual form or something.”
Sal looks back at Eduardo, then turns to look at Edgar who is a better representation of the last form he saw Eduardo as.
“You should stop by the gym sometime. I’ll hook you up with a good discount.”
I haven’t spoken or seen Sal in maybe 4 months. Even the stories seem to run low. Nothing worth sharing with Sal. Maybe it’s been less than four months, he sends some cryptic memes every now and then. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be thinking about what movie to make when I can’t even find hope in my cast.
Chapter 2
“Daniel? What are you doing back in town?”
In a rushed manor Daniel exclaims; “I thought you would be the one to start the conversation about how everything has gone to shit, how this land is turning into hell.”
“I realized there isn’t much I can do. I don’t have anything left in me, can you believe I got a regular 9 to 5? I don’t have it in me to create anything, no way I have enough to stop anything or anyone. I don’t need you to show up anymore, I don’t need any of you to show up anymore.”
“What's the point of a dream then?”
“Well, when I wake up and realize none of it was real and nothing is ever going to change, my day feels like a nightmare.”
I’m not a superstitious person, I don’t believe in luck. Chances to me are 50-50 or 80-20 if I’m the one going to get fucked or not. It’s just a coincidence if I run by someone I was thinking about. I must have heard it right at the cusp of falling asleep. Daniel is the only one who texts me through normal messages, I probably just heard the ding. Yup, Real world Daniel texted.
“I’m primarily joking when I say this but in my head I am haunted by all these stories I didn’t get to write. It would’ve been a better life if I practiced and kept learning how to draw. That might have been the best medium for me, I could’ve done it on my own and I could’ve captured the subtext of a scene without having to spell it out in a book. Without spelling it out because people still like subtext in a book I guess. Pablo?”
“Sorry, I just stepped out to use the bathroom.”
“It’s fine, have you heard from Daniel lately?”
“The last time I heard anything about Daniel, you just said his name in passing. So you saw him last. Did you respond to that text from him?”
“How did you know?”
“You didn’t even swipe off the notification from your phone.”
“I usually just put things off into the world of worry and then wait until they fade into an afterthought, I don’t know what he has to say. I have a feeling it’s not good. I see memes sometimes about people wondering how people can go months without opening a message. I don't know if I've ever been on the receiving end but when I do it to people I really feel every single day. Then it keeps slowly drifting and then what seemed like a good time to talk disappears.”
“I mean, I just respond like a normal person.”
“That’s true about you, I mean that’s why we’re having pop tarts together and I haven’t seen Daniel in quite a while.”
“I can’t remember if I saw Daniel or Eduardo last, the only reason I say is because it must have been a day apart and Eduardo was pitching some random drugs or something. Something about awakening or who knows, wait I do know. I walked away before Eduardo could finish his sentence because I didn’t really care and then I bumped into Daniel and the first thing he brought up was how you two just went to this mall in the middle of nowhere.”
“Well the mall here is about to be rubble in probably less than a year’s time.”
Our lives may just be this monotonous clump of random events that seem to be something bigger than they are. I never thought there would be a perfect ending for something outside of man-made media, but why bother trying to send yourself off with fireworks. So what if the last time I ever see people we end the conversation in mutual agreement we should hang out sometime. I could have their address, their cell phone number, their email address, and their grandpa’s phone number, it would still be a miracle if I see those people again. It’s so far detached from the idea that orchestral music should be playing as people walk separate ways to the distance found inside any person’s heart deems is too far to turn at. Every single day I wait for something even remotely interesting to happen and I wonder why because at the end of the day I’m telling nobody about a vaguely interesting thing. It’s sad because I know that I have to ramp up the story just so even I can find it worth telling. 30 cents on the floor? No, how about 300 dollars on the floor and I have to find the owner through a series of clues that could have only feasibly been created in my head. Every single day I just wait for something. That’s how all the stories I watch start, an establishment of normality with connections to a life not far from your own and then suddenly, bam we get taken along for either one of the greatest love stories or a magical adventure I could only dream of. It’s always the same thing, it’s always going to be the same thing, when I wake up in this hell I wonder if I could go back into my head to live in my imagination.
My opinion of my life changed when I realized I didn’t know what stories I have to tell. Well that’s the end of my story, for the rest of my life that’s the way it’s going to be. Trying to make something interesting to tell out of nothing at all.
There’s a world out there and I’m waiting for someone to take my hand and drag me there. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I waited for my driver’s license so I could go anywhere. Yet after all these years I still can’t bring myself to a place where people are. I locked myself in a place where nothing but bad things pile up and I can’t help being stuck to nothing, restricted by nothing. I didn’t need to state it out loud, I knew it from the start, depression isn’t a character trait. It was never my story to begin with, it was never going to be my story.
I wonder what Daniel said. In the end only 2 days passed before I opened the text.
“Eric, where are you?”
When did I schedule Daniel? I don’t remember saying anything that would warrant this. I’m not sure how to respond.
“Hey Daniel, I’m not sure how to respond.”
“You’re not going to believe me over text, in fact you’re not going to believe the reason in person either. I’m back in town, for good I guess.”
Why did I wait to respond, I know the next line and now it’s just going to make me even more depressed. Oh wait Daniel is typing another line, should I wait or… I mean I type it out naturally, it comes out of my mouth naturally and I’m sure people can read me when I say it.
“We should hang out sometime.”
“I got everyone on track, Pablo is coming, Eduardo is coming, Lorenze, and David. Let’s meet at Hillsdale. Just as soon as you can, no rush. Sorry can’t text much, driving now.”
So that’s what he was typing, I guess he just knew or something. I wonder why he didn’t invite Sal, I mean I could ask Sal but he might not even be awake. I didn’t plan this whole thing either so I guess I can’t just add guests to the list, especially if we’re eating and Daniel is paying.
“He just came and stopped by my gym, I’m not using him as promotion material because he’s not a regular. He was assigned to show it off. I’m just telling you the power he had was beyond human. I don’t even think there is a point in us trying to learn from him.”
“Then what the fuck is your point Eduardo.”
Pablo was tired of Eduardo’s bullshit. To counter Pablo’s blunt response, Eduardo got straight to the point.
“If we gather all of them we can make them make a forcefield, even like an inch. Think about how cool that would be to see something not usually done by humans.”
“You have been going on about this for so fucking long and that’s your final hook to this point? Do you really feel that point is worth it to exclaim at the top of your lungs. Right now that has to be the only thing I’ve heard you talk about for months. I can’t imagine how many others you’ve been bothering with the same thing.”
Daniel’s face was glowing with this concern, about what? I only wish I knew, it might be because he figured out now that he’s closer to me. Maybe his life will revert to the awful days he had with me. I don’t actually think that’s it, I’m just having this mean streak attacking myself. That concerned look still worries me no matter what. I don’t think I have anything to do with it though, he’s made eye contact with me a few times and didn’t break for no apparent reason. Finally, I could tell he had something to say but he just didn’t make it there yet.
“It’s only going to be the four of us, it was too last minute for the others.”
Pablo didn’t spare a single microsecond to respond, “We don’t need more people here to be harassed by Eduardo. Seriously, who do you think has a major takeaway from this thing you’ve been pitching for how long now?”
“It must have been 2 years ago since I first saw him do that demonstration. The first thing he did was calmly grab our metal trash can and then he folded it into 5. I still have that trashcan but nobody believes a person bent it. Then he made fire.”
“He must have roofied your protein powder.”
“Thank you Eric.”
Okay, I want to figure out what is going on here. Eduardo has car keys, so does Daniel, Pablo has a faint outline on his back left pocket. Did Daniel pick up Pablo? I don’t know where Daniel is saying so I can’t say if he went out of his way or not to get Pablo. If he picked up Pablo then that would mean Pablo would know what this is all about, that look on Daniel’s face. It’s something. Gotta take a leap of faith here.
“Eduardo, I think you have to go to the bathroom.”
Pablo, apparently being the king of responding in fractions of seconds; “He’s telling you to fuck off.” Or maybe his hatred just runs deep for the topic Eduardo keeps bringing up. This is the first time I’ve heard him say it. I wonder if I feel bad that I didn’t hear him out, I won’t lose sleep on it unfortunately. One day soon I’ll see Eduardo again and we can talk, hopefully he listens to whatever I have to say also.
“Did you drive Pablo here?”
“I drove myself, I actually was the first here. I was just about to leave actually, I guess I’ll be seeing both of you again soon.”
“Wait did Eduardo leave?”
“Yeah.” I don’t think the punctuation on my sentence left my mouth. I’m not even sure if words left my mouth, I guess it’s something about the whole fighting thing Eduardo is on.
“Not excited to be back? I was just thinking about how a 2 and a half hour drive really isn’t that bad one way. I mean I have to pack backup clothes when I go an hour away just in case I don’t make it back but with all the free days I had I should’ve come more. Hopefully that broke the ice enough for you to say whatever you have to.”
“Nothing of that sort.”
“Watermelon, the limited edition watermelon flavor pop tarts. They were such a big thing in my life, and I don’t know if it was contagious but I saw the rest of the group eating them. 10 years ago already, I know you don’t remember them because my life was the limited edition flavor and your’s was and still is the still continued flavor, carrying on and consistently growing in value.”
“Since when did you start speaking like this?”
“So you don’t remember me this way? I don’t either, I started working full time in an office of all old people. They don’t even recognize that I’m speaking English. I still have jokes in me and if I’m not writing any stories anymore then my creativity will die. Like the limited time of watermelon Pop tarts. Please help me Daniel”
Chapter 3
“I guess it’s okay for you to talk like that around me.”
It feels like the years keep piling up as I walk around with Daniel, not just because it’s been a matter of years but because whatever he has to say is killing me. I was anticipating something huge but every single silent step we take I can’t tell if we’re straying further or if it really is getting even larger.
“Ice cream? They have matcha swirl with vanilla. My treat.”
“I don’t like that tea stuff. Vanilla in a cup, and don’t worry I will pay for myself.”
“Does it hurt to be back? Or is someone hurting you to be back?”
“Remember we were offered free tarot card readings and the whole time you locked eyes with the big crystal and when the reader could tell you wanted to steal it?”
“Well. I just wanted to touch it.”
“But I had to tell you not to be superstitious if it hurts. Then you told me you’re not superstitious and then later that day a bird shit on you and then you slipped 3 times coming out of the bathroom. My point is you’re not the candidate to believe what I’m about to say. I don’t do fortune telling, there’s better uses of money. My friend brought me to one because it was buy one get one free. She said ‘flee, to El Salvador, to Japan.’ I don’t think I’ll think anything of that but I saw her a week later working at the local supermarket and she had such a dead look in her eyes. Her shop was closed and everything inside was just sitting there. I guess you would be the one to know how expensive some of those things are. I feel so stupid for listening to someone like that.” There was conflict in everything he said, he had these unnatural pauses that even in the moment I couldn’t distinguish if they were awkward or not. I couldn’t tell what score would be perfect to accompany what he said. It wasn’t really eerie, it was just a weird chain of events that ended him up back here. After the longest pause he looked at me and said; “I shouldn’t have come back.”
I keep trying to figure out something smart to say, there’s this beautiful quote from Nichijou that I was going to indirectly say. I feel like everytime I watch the series I understand more about what Mio was trying to say. ‘Our everyday lives might just be a series of miracles’, that’s when she realizes how important her friends are to her. It was a truly beautiful scene but I guess the quote alone doesn’t make sense unless the entirety of the episode was explained. Or I could tell him that there’s no such thing as a wrong decision but then I will end up on a completely different topic about how that only applied to other people and my decisions are all terrible. I always end up in an awful place or in an awful situation.
“You make good decisions, I don't. I tell people the best decision is opposite of what I do or think. You know, honestly in this situation my decision for you would be to come back to live in this town… So that’s not really a good look for you. Sorry.”
I wonder if he thought I calculated all the options for responses and then picked the worst one. I feel bad.
“I think I realized not long ago that as a group we’re never going to end up in a place like Japan, or Europe… I don’t even think we’ll end up in a car together for more than an hour's travel time. The sad thing is that we don’t even get together anymore. We’re all living our lives separately within walking distance of each other. It’s good to see everyone whenever I can.” At this point I felt like I lost all the meaning to my words. I don’t think Daniel said that to ask for advice, I think it was just on his mind and now he’s realizing I haven’t aged a single day since he left town.
I’ve been telling these lies for so long. I have to stop and realize the only people that I enjoy talking to I must have met over 10 years ago. Meeting people at this age is like pointlessly entering random showings at an endless theater. I still can't shake the feeling that there was more of something to why Daniel brought me here. Maybe there’s something wrong with my perception but as we walk around it still feels like he has something to say.
“You ever get excited to see an ice cream shop but then get disappointed because you already had the idea to have ice cream and now it seems like such a second rate idea?”
“What do you want to do with your life?”
“Hearing that question from you takes me back. I don’t know if my answer being the same is sad or hopeful. Now that I’m basically 24, what’s the point in even thinking about it anymore? If I didn’t start by now…”
“There’s still a lot of time. Overall, I know what I want to do, but as of right now I’ve gotten good opportunities. As long as it feels like a step up then I’ll take it.”
“I just want to see something interesting happen in my life.”
I hate hearing things like “If you find a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.” I get it, jobs are important to society, at least some of them are probably. That’s the thing though, it’s all up to the person, anyone can think their job is important, even if it is stocking the adult shop at 3 A.M.. Well, I guess there is some chain of events that would make something very important. I wonder what made me so bitter. I used to wake up with no alarm clock, ready for the day and I would share with everyone all the ideas for stories I had until they got annoyed. Then I kept going on about it for longer.
I don't remember what else Daniel and I talked about after he asked me about my life. If I don't remember it then it's not important, that's a rule most people live by. But maybe the stress of remembering causes fog in the brain, altering importance. That's mostly for if I forgot cheese at the grocery store. I hope Daniel doesn't think too much about my statement, I guess I don't need anything interesting to happen really. Monday to Friday, 9 to 5, even if it's just once a month, going to eat out for dinner is enough to keep me going Monday to Friday. This life was lived before, same actions, same outcomes. I don't really need original ideas for happiness either. I can spend my time shot for shot recreating anything that my brain considers sparkly and I'd be happy. I’d love to go to Japan and follow the same path Kyon did going to school. I don't want to pave a new way into unknown territory, diseases and possible injuries? Nah, I can pass on that, I'll create my own world for my own enjoyment. Maybe someday, Saturday or Sunday, I'll just fall deep into my dream world and stay there the whole day.
I have a feeling that groups are going to be re-established. Not for preference sake, it’s usually going to be one group one day and the other group the other with a big crossover event for big events. I guess the next big event is Daniel’s birthday. Sal and I used to be the ones behind making videos for him every year, not actual videos with a lot of thought or story to them. Just a greeting charm for the most part. I guess finally we’re all back so we can just celebrate it normally.
I think the hardest thing for me is watching all the years go by, there’s not really seasons, it gets cold but it doesn’t snow. It’s just like that and then another year passes and I’m wondering what I’m doing because last year it felt exactly the damn same. It could be two years ago or just a few weeks ago, it feels all the same. I think Daniel knows what I’m feeling I think.
It was just a week until I saw Daniel again. I invited him to go to this Chinese place but we ended up in some burger joint that was concerningly pricey. After that we went to his house which had a bare bones garage with just a few moving boxes in the corner and two chairs made out of some type of bungee material. We had invited Pablo but I guess Daniel didn’t have another chair ready. I wondered which one of us would be the first to give up our seat. So what, I didn’t have and never will have this interesting story happen to me that I can retell for the rest of my life. Or maybe even base a show off of it. I still don’t really get what Daniel came back for but I don’t know if it was the timing or if it was because of Daniel, but I’m content with my life now. Even if all of us fade into the deepest parts of each other's minds, I can still find enjoyment in something else. Maybe I’ll just eat a pint of ice cream a day and then have my body cut apart piece by piece until it’s my time. Actually, you know what, I am not content with that but right now, as Pablo parks and walks in our direction and Daniel gets up, I’m content.
"Clouds at night look nice sometimes. Stars look good too... Shit. Uhhh, Pablo. On your drive here. Were there clouds?
The concern in his voice. This is why Daniel came here. It’s not about the sky or anything, he has something big to say and it’s coming out right now. It’s only been a week but I knew it all along. Wait.
“Peaking through the clouds, what’s happening? Do you guys see it?”
Pablo and I stood next to Daniel in pure silence. Heat started to radiate from my ears and it felt like I was going to lose hearing entirely. I don’t know what happened next, my hands starting to tremble or me gagging from lack of air.
I hope it’s just something across the galaxy peaking back at us on that small window we could see through. The opening keeps moving over panning ever so slightly and it’s looking like it’s covering the whole sky.
I heard stories about when there was a huge blackout in Los Angeles, people went crazy because an ominous blue and purple haze covered the sky. I’ve always wanted to see the galaxy in real life. I’m sure we all had different thoughts leading up until this moment but it feels like we all got ready to admit it in our minds at least what was happening. The night sky behind the clouds was rolling up. I’m sure none of us wanted to say it out loud because there’s no reference to anything in this world that we can connect this to. A scroll or a curtain or something. The sky with all the stars in it was rolling. It was rolling itself straight up from the direction we were looking at it. Maybe the others thought it was something like a steam roller collecting the stars, but to me it looked like some wallpaper wanting to go back to its original shape. It’s fast enough to notice it’s happening but it’s slow enough to gather everyone to watch its spectacle. The hue of the sky left behind was something far beyond what I could imagine. Maybe it was knowing there aren't stars to shine, but it didn’t look like a color, it felt empty. Across the horizon the clouds started to disappear into the background and I noticed that the clouds were only staying grey in the natural path of the stars. But the moon is still there so this has to be in my brain, I can’t tell if the moon is splitting in half or if something is clogging my mind. I don’t know if either of the two even said anything, my ears hurt. I don’t know this feeling.