I spent half my childhood growing up in a predominantly white city. When you’re little all you want is to blend in and look just like everyone else. This was challenging since I looked completely different from most people in my town. Brown skin, jet-black hair, thick eyebrows, and dark eyes were the features I wished I could change. Especially my skin tone. Most people would wonder why someone would develop this insecurity at such a young age. Firstly, I am of Pakistani descent. The beauty standard of Pakistan mimics the ones found almost everywhere, light skin and light features. Pakistan, and many other third world countries, take skin color to a whole new level. While white people tan to achieve their glow, Pakistanis avoid the sun at all costs. While white people use self-tanner, Pakistanis use whitening creams. And just as white people are told they’re looking too pale, brown people are being told they look too dark. I think these comparisons are rather ironic however they aren’t the same thing. It’s different because there’s a specific negative mindset one has when they say, “You look too dark.” A mindset I was far too used to at a young age.

A memory that has stuck with me for years occurred in second grade. We were in class, and it was my friend’s birthday. On our birthday our teacher would let us pick a partner to wear these flower necklaces with and my friend chose me. I remember my friend telling me to wrap it around my head like a tiara, so I did. During free time, a bunch of girls and I were sitting in the corner talking when one white girl looks at me and says, “Zainab why are you wearing it on your head like that? It doesn’t look good on you. It doesn’t go with your skin color.” I was shocked, looked around and locked eyes with the only other POC in the group. We exchanged awkward glances and then looked away. I didn’t stand up for myself, I just felt embarrassed. What was so wrong with my brown skin that interfered with the flower tiara? I wish I could say that was my only negative, openly racist occurrence during my childhood but sadly this is just one of the most memorable.

The SDOH I believe this fits with the most is the social and community context because the community at the time was less diverse and we are discussing social interactions that occurred within this community. This incorporates several topics discussed throughout this course such as racism because it involves a group (white people) having the power to carryout discrimination in various aspects of life. The girl didn’t know at the time, because she was also young, but she was being discriminatory simply because I didn’t look like her and my skin is darker. Privilege can also relate to this. I think it’s a privilege to be the beauty standard. You don’t ever have to feel ugly about things you can’t control like the color of your skin, or shape of your nose, thickness of your eyebrows, etc. Especially when you’re growing up, it’s hard to be confident when barely anyone looks the way you do (dolls, models, celebrities, the people around you, etc.). However, in the last decade or so there has been a significant increase in diversity in media which helps young kids feel more confident and represented. In a way, it’s almost like you need to try harder to love yourself and be confident than if you were white because you have to unlearn this idea that there is something off about the color of your skin that “doesn’t go with a flower tiara”.

Overtime, I’ve unlearned these societal beauty standards and slowly become comfortable in my own skin. The increase in diversity in the media, moving to a more diverse and accepting city, and overall growth and maturing has taught me to be confident in who I am.

This SDOH and experiences like the one described within this community had a negative impact on my childhood. I always felt like I was struggling to fit in and make myself someone I wasn’t. I wanted to look like a white girl and blend in. It just created some resentment and made me very insecure because I knew deep down my Pakistani Muslim brown self would never be a white girl. Overtime, I realized that all this negativity was unnecessary. There was nothing wrong with having a darker skin tone or thick black wavy hair. These differences make me who I am. I also learned to be more accepting of my culture. I am proud to be Pakistan. I love the traditions, music, food, clothes (all things I used to be ashamed of). Now and in the future, I plan on embracing my differences instead of running from them. I would stand up for myself in a situation where someone makes me feel inferior.