End Blog

A small wooden mannequin finds itself in a garden shrouded in darkness, the ground rough and uneven beneath it. In the distance, it spots a faint glimmer of light at the end of the path, indicating a way out.

Out of all the photos I’ve taken this trimester, this one best represents my entire journey in MMS 173. I was just like the mannequin; I found myself lost and uncertain, fumbling through the course. The path was long and rough, littered with creative challenges and difficult feelings which were often hard to overcome. I had to keep moving forward no matter what, lest I remain stuck in the dark. There were moments when I questioned my abilities and even my place in the course, but like the mannequin looking toward that distant light, I never lost sight of the possibility that I could make it through. With the term coming to an end, I finally find myself at the end of the path. 

What were the goals you posed for yourself, and how well did you achieve them?

This was actually my second time taking MMS 173. The first time I took the course, I was anxious, but excited to learn photography. I had so many expectations for myself. I wanted to learn how to be a better photographer, and I wanted to create beautiful and meaningful work. As the term went on, however, those expectations quickly turned into pressure—My perfectionism and self-doubt got in the way. I kept waiting for the perfect conditions to shoot, which meant I gave myself fewer chances to actually take photos. But the fewer chances became even fewer because, at that time, I was struggling with chronic health issues that often left me bedridden for days. So, most of the time, I ended up missing those chances altogether. Ultimately, I became too overwhelmed by my perfectionism to finish the course. It was really disappointing.

Then, I mustered up the courage to retake the course this year. I made up my mind to only have one goal: pass MMS 173. I know this is an unenthusiastic approach and maybe even sad to read for my professor and my coursemates who saw this course as an amazing opportunity to learn photography. But, given my past experiences with the course, I had to set the bar low for myself. I needed to let go of my high expectations to rebuild my confidence and give myself the space to try, to fail, and to keep going.

If you attended the Zoom sessions or the F2F sessions, how much of an effect did those have towards comprehending the lessons, or in the grand scheme of things, your sense of community, or at least sense of belonging in UPOU?

I attended at least two Zoom sessions, and I thought they were helpful in clarifying some of the concepts I was unsure of and in reassuring me that my understanding of them was on the right track. These sessions not only helped build my confidence in what I learned, but also gave me the confidence to practice my photography. Being able to read and listen to my coursemates’ perspectives in the Zoom sessions was especially insightful. It was one of the things I missed most about the traditional classroom setting—being able to hear different ideas and viewpoints that I might not have considered on my own. They definitely enriched my learning experience.

It was also nice to put a face and a voice to my professor and coursemates. After spending so much time in an online learning setting, it’s easy to forget sometimes that the people you interact with are, in fact, real people.

What were the things you felt you could have done better or the class could have done better for you?

There were definitely a lot of things I could have done better in this class. For instance, one thing I could have done better is letting go of perfection. While I managed this better than the first time I took the course, I still found myself waiting for the ideal conditions before taking photos. My hesitation kept me from practicing as much as I could have. I realized much later that if I had let myself practice in imperfect conditions, I would have gained more experience and confidence, even if the photos didn’t turn out well.

Another thing is that I feel like I should have been more experimental with composition. I relied heavily on the rule of thirds for most, if not all, of my photos. I often played it safe instead of pushing myself to try new techniques or break rules intentionally, and in doing so, I may have limited my creative growth. But at the same time, maybe that was okay. I was still learning to be comfortable with photography, and focusing on one technique gave me something stable to practice and improve on.

How did this course impact your views towards pursuing it, or giving it up?

After taking the course twice, it became clearer to me that, maybe, photography wasn’t for me. It just didn’t click for me. For some reason, it never felt as natural or fulfilling as I hoped it would.

Of course, there were some photos I was proud of taking, but I didn’t enjoy the process most of the time. It just doesn’t bring me the same joy or renewed energy I get from other creative activities like digital art or video editing. Unlike photography, I just felt happy doing them regardless of how challenging the process or how bad the outcome was. I wondered for a while that, maybe, it was the pressure and expectations I put on myself that prevented me from enjoying photography. But that couldn’t be it. I put the same kind of pressure on myself with my other creative pursuits, and I still enjoy them deeply. Even when I’m struggling or aiming for perfection, the process itself feels rewarding. I hardly felt that way with photography.

Although I haven’t found much joy in it, I do see the value in continuing to practice photography. Maybe not as a hobby or a career, but as a tool for composition, lighting, and storytelling. These are skills that carry over into creative work I do enjoy, like illustration and video. Even if I ended up learning that I didn’t enjoy photography in this course, I can still appreciate the skills it taught me.

This has been a long journey, and I am so proud of myself for seeing it through to the end. Despite the challenges and setbacks, I’ve learned so much about photography and, more importantly, about myself. I will carry these lessons with me as I continue to grow, both as a multimedia artist and as a person.