Episode 2: What to do When Zombies Attack

Are you afraid that the zombie apocalypse will break out soon? The zombie apocalypse will not wait for you to be ready, so best to know what the government has to say on the issue. In todays episode I'll discuss the governments (sorta kinda) real survival plan for the zombie apocalypse at both the state and federal level.

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Transcript:

[Zombie Growl]

[Siren]

[Zombie Gorwl]

In the early 2010s zombie media, from video games to TV shows, had become a dominant genre of its own, breaking beyond the conventions of the typical horror genre with the success of games like The Last of Us were shows like The Walking Dead, zombies were on everyone's mind, even I too had a deep obsession with zombie media, having clocked into the walking dead for far too long. And I couldn't ever quite explain why it intrigued me, but it just brings a level of intrigue that other genres just don't have. The genre itself posed a thought provoking question, and that is, what would you do in a zombie apocalypse? Many began to ponder this question as the genre led an average citizen to feel the need to prepare for this hypothetical apocalypse. What would you do? Would you hide in fear? Would you become a ruthless survivor? In dire times like the zombie apocalypse people need guidance and relief that things are going to be safe and okay, especially from their government.

So enter the United States government and their sorta kinda maybe real plan for the zombie apocalypse.

[Theme Music]

So yes, the government does have a plan for how to handle the zombie apocalypse, but before you start digging your bunker or hoarding your soup cans, there are some very important context for why such a document exists. In 2011 a classified document titled Con Plan 88880-11 was created by the US Strategic Command. The US Strategic Command is a part of the Department of War, formerly known as the Department of Defense. According to their official website, their purpose is to conduct operations to deter strategic attack and employ forces as directed to guarantee the security of the nation and our allies. 

The US Strategic Command is relatively unknown to the public at large, but was very prominent in its inception in 2002 as a response to 911 and the ensuing international conflicts. But since then, it's expanded to include the US Cyber Command in 2018 and the US Space Command in 2019. So the strategic command's power and breadth is expansive and far reaching, more so than the average citizen would ever know. 

But based off their mission statement and the other actions they've conducted, the strategic command does seem like a pretty good organization to be dealing with the U.S. 's zombie apocalypse plan.

 With that brief context on the US Strategic Command out of the way, now we can finally dive into the US government's master plan to save us from the impending hordes of zombies. So let's dive into the document itself with its opening line that states, quote: “this plan was not actually designed as a joke.

 That is one hell of a way to start a government plan for a zombie apocalypse. Now that we've confirmed this is not a joke and this is something that is kind of for real, let's take a look at a few of the highlights from this emergency plan created by the US strategic command:

[Chicken Noises]

 To start things off, the document lists many different categories of zombies, and all creates contingencies and plans based around them and their effects. One such zombie is the quote, “chicken zombie”, who are actually not harmful to humans in any way, but are simply reanimated chickens. However, the document does highlight that these zombie chickens may lead to civil unrest due to accusations of animal cruelty, which in part, will then lead to a larger vegetarian population. Thankfully, though, the document considers this dire angle of the zombie chicken apocalypse and creates a plan to help quell civil unrest. And at this point, you're probably starting to wonder if I'm making this up, and I promise you, I am not. There is really a contingency plan for zombie chickens in this document, so don't fret if you see a zombie chicken, because. The government has it taken care of.

[Mystical Noises]

Another important type of zombie that the government mentions in this document is something they refer to as the “evil magic zombie”. And after saying that, I feel the need to reiterate, this is in the document. And I did not create any of this. I could only wish to be this creative. The evil magic zombie is said to be a creation of occult experimentation, only referred to as, quote: “evil magic”. And this evil magic was put in quotes. So I guess, take that

as you will. I guess they don't really quite know what this evil magic does. Though, thank God the government put this in the document, as they've discovered, that burning the bodies of the evil magic zombies does not eradicate the zombie virus, like with other zombies, so the document makes exceptions and plans to quell this evil magic zombie and stop the spread of its virus. 

So for those seriously concerned about the evil magic zombie, trust and believe, the United States government has thought it through and has a plan in place to stop the spread. And yes to those wondering, saying evil magic zombie is as fun as it sounds. So please, I urge you pause, take a second and say evil magic zombie. Also in this plan is the government's wide array of ways of killing zombies, also taking them out, doing what they call stabilizing, dominating, your typical military terms. But I think it's kind of unimportant to talk about, as it's a little gruesome and far too much. 

But now for those who didn't pause the episode out of shock and Google this on their own, now is the grand reveal of this document, which, despite it being labeled as quote, not a joke, it is still not technically real, because if you keep reading beyond they're not a joke statement, they also have another disclaimer that says this document is, in fact, a training document for prospective members of the J O P P. And if you're an average American Joe like me, this is just alphabet soup and unhelpful in understanding any of evil magic zombies or chicken zombies. 

However, upon further research of the JOPP, it is the joint operation planning process for the Department of War. The JOPP is tasked with analyzing US military action strategically before they occur, and taking into account all potential consequences of any given military operation. So that's considerations to civilians and any other casualties to military operations. 

So to train prospective members of the JOPP they are trained on this scenario to help teach them how to think critically about the consequences of military actions. It was also important to use the zombie scenario as this was a classified document, but it could be mistaken for a real document if it were leaked, and people may panic thinking that there is this massive conspiracy from the government to take out the zombie apocalypse, especially considering previous training models for the JOPP, which included real countries in fake scenarios, which, if the public read without full context, would lead people to believe that there was a real military risk and military action occurring. 

So the JOPP decided to create the zombie apocalypse plan because it sounded so outlandish and so unrealistic that no one could possibly believe that it was real as the JOPP wanted to create training materials, but also not lead to mass panic and hysteria about a world

War. As a training tool, this document is actually pretty effective, as it forces the reader to look into the logistics of a zombie survival plan, considering resource allocation, civilian casualty and other critical decisions that must be made during military conflict. So fine. I guess this wasn't a real plan, and we're gonna have to go searching for our zombie apocalypse guide elsewhere. But at least the government is giving its employees good training before making military decisions,

I guess? Anyway, on to more zombie apocalypse planning.

[Zombie Growl]

 After finding out the government doesn't have a true solution to the zombie apocalypse, I

I feel ill equipped for magic zombies and chicken zombies, so I continued my search for the government's answer to the impending zombie problem. My research. Eventually led me to the CDC, as this should be their bread and butter. The Center for Disease Control should have an answer for the zombie apocalypse, right?

 Luckily for us, the CDC released a comic called preparedness 101 zombie apocalypse in 2011. Though comics seem like a bit of an odd medium for a survival guide, but I'll give it a read and get back to you.

[Chicken Noises]

 Hmm, well, that's an odd ending. I guess I didn't really learn much. Let's turn to page 37 quote, “We hope you enjoyed reading this fictional story. It's meant to be both educational and entertaining. Now that you've seen the importance of being prepared, take the time to put together an emergency kit with the items included in the checklist on the following page, you'll be ready for any kind of disaster, even zombies,” 

[Sigh]

A fictional story?! It seems like nobody's taking this as seriously as I am. Once again, the government's zombie apocalypse guidelines are guys for something else. This time, it is items all homes should have just in case of emergency situations. The CDC zombie comic may not be exactly a zombie survival guide, but it does have some useful information. So surely these emergency items could be quite useful in a zombie apocalypse. So let's list them off.

 The CDC recommends all homes have emergency kits with:

• a gallon of water per person

• non perishable food cans

•  a flashlight

•  a battery powered radio

•  extra batteries

• a first aid kit

•  at least seven day supply of any medications you're taking

•  miscellaneous supplies, like duct tape, matches, scissors

•  any personal documents, like a passport ID as well as cash.

 Even though the CDC zombie apocalypse guide was less about zombies and more about general survival items, there is still a lot of useful information here, and some info that could even be applied to a zombie apocalypse, even if it's more geared toward power outages or natural disasters, but either way, it could be applied to a zombie apocalypse. So we get some

help, but I need some more hard, concrete plans for when the zombies come knocking. 

[Zombie Growls]

Since the federal government doesn't have anything on the zombie issue, I turned to the state government of Michigan to address my concerns. Upon starting my research for the state of Michigan's plan, it became hard to find anything that wasn't related to a local news station that aired a breaking alert in 2013 stating that the bodies of the dead were rising from their graves and

attacking the living. This report was obviously not real, but did happen, as the local station was hacked by a group that wanted to air the message as a joke. So at least the emergency

system works, I guess.

  Eventually I found the Michigan Emergency Management Plan, which is an extremely long and comprehensive document that follows how the local government agencies and officials will act in various emergency situations. The Michigan emergency management plan is signed by the governor and updated yearly with new procedures added. So the document goes into extensive detail about various sectors of the state government, how they will work together and how they will deal with specific jobs during emergency situations. So since it's updated and signed yearly, there can be a lot of new things added and update as new situations develop and occur. 

However, there is still no direct mention of a plan for the zombie apocalypse here. But this may be the closest I can get to a government plan for the zombie apocalypse. So I got to reading this incredibly long and monotonous plan. 

[Chicken Noises]

So after what felt like hours and hours of digging, the plan does have a section on public health emergencies and medical service emergencies, saying that this section covers public health, medical, behavioral or human service emergencies, which all seem vaguely applicable to an impending zombie horde, at least I would say so.  

Though I will caution here, since the document doesn't explicitly say zombie or zombie. Outbreak. I'm only contorting what the document does say to try and make it apply to a zombie situation. So don't take this as an exact plan, but this is just trying to bend the words of the document to fit what I think would happen in a zombie apocalypse. 

One major part of this plan mentions that there will be extensive support from a group called the Michigan Mortuary Operations Response Team, or for short, MI Mort. And MI Mort works to implement various protocols for situations involving mass fatalities by assisting local officials in identifying victims and further disaster mitigation, again, not exactly zombie related, but in the event of a massive zombie horde and injury, I'm sure MI Mort would be first deployed to help. 

In tandem with MI mort, the state's emergency plan details an extensive partnership with the American Red Cross. In this partnership, it sees the American Red Cross caring for victims injured or ill due to an emergency situation. Another major contribution of the American Red Cross to the state of Michigan is providing blood for patients experiencing blood loss or ones who may need it during a procedure, which, if you're thinking like I am, that seems like it could be pretty useful during a zombie outbreak.

 The Michigan Department of Education also takes a pretty unique role during a public health disaster, according to this plan. As they are tasked with providing nutrition assistance and information to the public, which thinking in the world of our zombie scenario, having information about what is safe to eat and drink seems prettttty crucial to me. And to further emphasize how extensive Michigan's emergency plan is, it's important to mention that the Michigan Department of Education has the task of protecting and informing the Michigan School of the Deaf in any event of a public health emergency, Michigan's emergency plan covers a lot of situations and makes special notes on how to inform and protect potentially vulnerable groups like people with disabilities or its extensive, two page long section on procedures solely for veterans. This plan, though not directly about a zombie apocalypse, it's still a good shell of a plan that could apply to a zombie situation. The plan is just vague and thorough enough to fit ideally any situation. This plan is actually pretty reassuring to me, as it's got almost everything you'd want from a government disaster plan. Enough solid plan to relieve any fears, but also enough room for procedures to adapt to new scenarios, all while accounting for potentially vulnerable people.

[Theme Music]

 After reading Michigan's Emergency Management Plan, I feel pretty relieved about the impending zombie apocalypse that's surely coming. 

But all jokes aside, despite not actually mentioning every possible emergency scenario, like zombies. Michigan's statewide plan for emergencies seems pretty well thought out. The plan has a role for every government agency and accounts for a lot of variables in its nearly 225 pages. So maybe, just maybe the government is prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

[Zombie Noises]

[Door Banging]

[Scream]

[Theme Music]

Music: Monkey Man provided by MobyGratis