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Writing gave me a vehicle to exhibit openness.
Few places, spaces, and people are accepting of our emotions.
My notebook, I’ve realized, is the only place that is fully accepting of my emotions. My notebook has created a working space for the evolution of my thoughts--a space that exists for me to think and reflect openly, to shout boldly, speak without a filter, and write the first thought that comes to mind (however it sounds). A space exists for me to be as painfully optimistic or as unapologetically pessimistic as I please.
My piece details the space disabled authors throughout history created and sustained by sharing written accounts of their own experiences with mental illness. Many mention a “us” versus (for lack of a better word) “them” narrative. I realized that I feel a part of both the “us” and “them” narrative. I have found comfort in reading on people's experiences with disability and, although our experiences are unique to us, there is a certain capacity to which I feel I understand these authors--based on similar (but separate) experiences.
My hope is that you explored this space with care, but even more so, I hope it acted as a reminder that we should not be scared to tell our stories. My hope is that others can find the comfort and acceptance I have found in my notebook. I am not going to coerce you, or even nudge you, nor am I going to silence you. All I (hope) to do is give you what my journal gave me: a space to.
My inbox is open should you want to leave a note, quote, anecdote, or just simply to say hi.
As my former professor would kindly sign his emails,
"Keep going,"
Alyssa
Please Note:
*Our nightmares are unique to us, and we all experience the world differently. This piece is a narrative of my subjective experience. This does not align with or document other disabled voices or acknowledge how they perceive the world—and should not be used as a definable measure to make generalizations of others’ experiences with disabilities.
*My privilege as a cisgender, white woman who has access to insurance and an incredible support system-- for, without one of these identities or privileges, I would likely not be here today.
*Not all mentally ill people have horror stories, experience disability in a negative light, or struggle with regard to their disability. Some people do not want to be open—and do not choose openness—if they have a choice, and that is okay.
Acknowledging the Horror
Acknowledging the Horror
“Death’s annihilation is no longer anything because it is already everything … when the madman laughs, he already laughs with the laugh of death” (16).
-Michel Foucault
The association of disability and fear is problematic in that it can enforce the stigma surrounding labels; however, it has potential to teach readers something: should they be scared?
There are two battling sides—one in which stigma surrounding disability validates (reveals the difficult experiences), and one where the stigma invalidates, or excludes, people with mental illness.
Is it possible to simultaneously speak to a neurodivergent person’s resiliency while also respectfully discussing their lived experience?
pieces of writing that have touched me in some way: triggered a memory I had forgotten, prompted me to write, forced me to physically interact with the book, made me angry, and/or pieces that have played a role in my growth
Works Cited
Bérubé, M. (2005, March). Disability and narrative. Modern Language Association of America, 120 (2), 568-576. https://doi.org/10.1632/S0030812900167914
Butler, O. E. (1991). The evening and the morning and the night. Pulphouse Publishing.
Gilman, C. P. (1981). The yellow wallpaper. Virago Press.
Grandin, T. (2020). Thinking in Pictures: And Other Reports from My Life with Autism. Vintage
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Farahani, H. ; Afshari A. S. ; Sahebalzamani, M. (2017). Investigating the effect of maternal narrative writing on depression, anxiety and stress in pediatric stem cell transplantation.” NeuroQuantology, 15, (4, 7). https://doi/org/10.14704/nq.2017.15.4.1153
Foucault, M. (2006). Madness and civilization: A history of insanity in the age of reason. Vintage Books.
Fuller, M. (1843). Summer on the lakes. Prairie State Books.
King, L. A. (2001). The health benefits of writing about life goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(7), 798–807. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201277003
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Pennebaker, J. W. (2000). Telling stories: The health benefits of narrative. Literature and Medicine, Johns Hopkins University Press, 19(1), 3–18. https://doi.org/10.1353/lm.2000.0011
Pennebaker, J.W. & Smyth, J.M. (2016). Opening up by writing it down: How expressive writing
improves health and eases emotional pain. The Guilford Press.
Rennick-Egglestone, S.; Ramsay, A.; McGranahan, R.; Llewellyn-Beardsley, Joy; Hui, A. ; Pollock, K. ; Repper, J. ; Yeo, C. ; Ng, F. ; Roe, J. ; Gillard, S.; Thornicroft, G.; Booth, S. ; Slade, M. (2019). The Impact of Mental Health Recovery Narratives on Recipients Experiencing Mental Health Problems: Qualitative Analysis and Change Model. PloS One, 14 (12, 13), e0226201–e0226201. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0226201
Silko, L. M. (1986). Ceremony. Penguin Books.
Strayed, C. (2002). The love of my life: By Cheryl Strayed: Issue 321. The Sun Magazine. Retrieved February 21, 2023, from https://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/321/the-love-of-my-life
“I would beat with the living heart of the world, and understand all the moods, even the fancies or fantasies, of nature" (132). -Margaret Fuller
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