Going from a 70+ hours workweek in Vietnam to a 0-hour workweek in Los Angeles does not have the "therapeutic effects"  like many people within my social circle would imagine. Even though my previous line of work was quite intense, I find it necessary for my sanity, as it provides me with an output. I can not really put my finger on why such a lively experience is so appealing to me, other than my desire to move forward and the camaraderie I felt over the period. Now I'm stuck at home doing nothing in a 50 m²  studio in a city I am quite unfamiliar with. That is not to say all things are bad, as I find myself adapting to a large city lifestyle quite well. However, my current "nothingness"-filled life bore me out, and I what I am feeling right now could be best characterized as burnout—or at least a phenomenon that highly resembles an episode of burnout. My current position doesn't provide me with opportunities for learning or growth. To keep it concise, I feel some mental fatigue from simply being stuck in a nothing loop. Being chronically online these days somehow shows a potentially useful way to pent up these burnout feelings—art. I have been listening to a lot of indie podcasts and video essays, mostly from Unlearning Economics, Unsolicited Advice, and oliSunvia. Outside of the messages they convey within their production, one thing I admire from these creators is their willingness to be in a place that leaves them more vulnerable to societal judgment. People tend to have strong opinions toward creators of their content, considering the nature of the topic they operate with, but they still create amidst this increasingly volatile nature of public opinion and the subsequent harassment they face. But overall, I think "creative drive" is something admirable, and maybe this could be the cure to my burnout that I desperately need. Personally, I don't think I have the technical knowledge to seek a platform of their size. I also do not possess the mental capacity to engage in circular conversation with people online. For now, I plan to create for self-enjoyment first. Things such as creating a zine and starting a garage band are things that are on my bucket list that I hope to fulfill before 2025 ends. I think what I missed from my previous workplace is a platform to create, no matter how boring the work might seem at first glance. I think this feeling really encompasses the notion described in a Sisyphus55's video: "if you are not creating, you're dying.[1]" 

1. Sisyphus55,  If You're Not Creating, You're Dying. YouTube.  2025*.

* I stretched the notion of creating mentioned in SIsyphus55's video out quite a bit. In this video, he mentions creating as a means of art. But in this context, I place creating more as a standalone thing. Regardless, I think art is indeed what I need right now.

Tonight is my first night away from Riverside, and it was more emotional than I anticipated. I have been calling this place home for the past five years, and the low possibilities of returning to this place gave me a homesickness-like feeling even before I left. I find myself leaving part of me behind in the county—that includes part of my ambition. Now, I should not attribute this degradation in desire to my move to a new city, since I have been in a state of anxiety for a while. I am directionless. I like to believe that the source of the anxiety is external due to a constant barrage of unsettling news across the world. Though that would be more of an excuse for the commotion I'm experiencing than a reason for it, indeed a convenient "get out of jail card" to let it be a problem for tomorrow. I pointed at my poor handling of receiving no closure from a program I was on the waitlist for as the primary cause. The fixate on this failure surely is a path toward self-destruction. One positive news over the period is that I have become more comfortable with the fact that all my plans fell through, and it is ok to return to the planning room and restart from the beginning. But then, where do I even begin? One way I have seen some of my peers at NUS manage their disappointment is through creating an anti-resume. In a group outing, a floormate explained to me that this is a practice for managing expectations when clashing with reality. It is a practice to guarantee he is comfortable with raising the white flag against the unpredictability of decision-making at a microcosm level when it becomes overbearing, asking this mighty force to spare his life and enabling him to live for another day following his capitulation. While the conversation happened to involve some alcohol, I do think there is some good reason for his approach to "self-motivation" when faced with the vastness of freedom.

The aspect of being vulnerable might emerge as a cowardly strategy to manage hardship for many (including me up until that point). Yet, I think it is a sound strategy in managing the hardest part of failure— moving on without a grudge. Arrest, Recovery, and Reset—as encompassed in the notion of anti-resume—is not giving up; it is an act of preserving one's sanity for productive actions. Firstly, decisions by humans can be arbitrary in nature as we are imperfect beings. The relationship between emotions, logic, and human actions means that no model can perfectly explain human actions, regardless of its strong qualitative and/or quantitative roots. On top of that, the circumstances surrounding decision-making from the makers' POV do give them good reason to engage with random selection at times. Assume I want to get a late-night snack with my friends, and we are picking between two restaurants that—regardless of which one we choose—would offer comparable utility. Then what must I do? Personally, it is a coin toss for me. Similarly, assuming two candidates that are exactly identical, or would yield equivalent utility (for the sake of defensibility), but there is absolutely one position available. Then, I find it reasonable for the decision maker to base their choice on something similar to a coin toss. What I'm suggesting here is that when all "decision-making" models are exhausted, then what else do they have to base the decision on other than depending on randomness? Therefore, many failures occur beyond my control, and it would be more productive to withdraw from this fight, to walk away from it with no emotional vested interest in that tumble now and thereafter.

After several unkind occurrences transpired in recent months in my life, I have lost my vision of where I want to see myself in the next 5-10 years. Yet, this epiphany, at the height of despair, has given me enough courage to relinquish any attachments toward things that are beyond my control. It is important for me to keep dodging the traps created by the sunk-cost fallacy and be rational toward the deployment of my mind. Having the strength to maintain awareness of the situation and be forgiving when setbacks arise is an important factor in my motivation toward seeking meaning in life amid the randomness that happens around me. Maybe that homesickness feeling for Riverside is due to living alone, in a brand-new city, which makes this moment feel anti-climactic when juxtaposed with my college years. Yet this juxtaposition is something I should not invest too much mental space in if it distracts me from living today. Satisfactorily addressing the desire to live in the past and the anxiety of the waitlist seems to be the first step to get myself focused on planning a working strategy toward achieving my goals. Whatever will be built upon the rumble of my first half of 2025 will certainly be better than now. Perhaps, this essay could be treated as my first anti-resume, or at least a foreword to one in the 

making. Marching forward amidst the unknown is the only path to build both my anti-resume and its counterpart. Maybe the rose-tinted lens i which I could view my life is that of my freedom to act for my self-fulfiment

As I pack up and get ready to move away from Riverside following all housemates' graduation, my consciousness becomes increasingly aware of the particular position I find myself in. I am near the height of despair. My interaction with the notion famously conceptualized by Søren Kierkegaard of "anxiety is the dizziness of freedom" [1] seems to appear with an increased intensity within my existence. As I attempt a breakthrough, negative frictions caused by setbacks seem to increase in ferocity. By this virtue, it is not difficult (for me) to visualize a scenario where permanent qualitative distortion to my willingness to make sense of the world materializes after a certain quantity of these results. Yet, my consciousness remains aware of this ongoing internal struggle, and it is in my best interest to avoid reaching the point of stagnation and subsequently depriving myself of a chance to seek novel experience. Yet, indulging in the memories of my 10-week-long excursion in Sacramento often reminds me of why I am here, and to start again in this wandering through the uncertainty toward the direction of the seemingly boundless possibilities. If I continue seeking light and there will be light; if I continue seeking meaning, I will find meaning, even during dark moments like this.

Regardless of my best efforts to prudently navigate through this rough path, what I received this application cycle was hiring freezes and many positions on the waitlist. With only one waitlist offer still active, it feels like I have once again found myself at the starting line while bearing the brunt of the dizziness of freedom. As more doors close, the objective direction I was walking toward seems to become blurrier, and I am enclosed in this seemingly invisible capsule—a whole lot of not knowing where to go next. Ironically, the impact of landing on a program waitlist seems to have a heavier toll on me due to its frequency and not knowing what I did "wrong." While those around me advise me to celebrate them as an achievement of sorts, the arbitrary nature of such results has led me to become more fixated on the consequences of choosing the wrong option all the time. It also made me wonder if these decisions are the product of being on the wrong end of a luck of the draw phenomenon—or is there a deeper, fundamental flaw that requires my attention? This question will most likely remain unanswered, though it is still upon me to find my place in the chaotic nature of existing as a conscious being amid the uncertainty.

I have encountered a similar experience before, in Sacramento. Being at the state capital during a contentious period due to the budget deficit, I observed the intensity within policy debates, hearings where pressure is exerted by all political entities on policymakers to preserve their endorsed policy. The air was suffocating, both by the heat and the intensity of human determination from the Assembly Chamber, State Capitol Park, to the balcony of our housing arrangement, room 418 of 19J. It is not long into this excursion that I also realize it is easier to make the wrong choices than vice versa. Parallelly, it is also not hard to detect a sense of disillusionment among young adults such as us, the Spring 2023 cohort of the UC Center Sacramento program. The pressure of Sacramento affected us in various through various forms, personally, inside the classrooms, and within our internships. It was also becoming easier to stay stagnant than move forward in this environment, regardless of the underlying limitless possibilities. Nonetheless, it was a successful voyage for me, which I credit to my sense of home away from home as the driving force behind this outcome. It was under this inhospitable environment that the members of our cohort attempted a community development beyond our interactions at the UC Center Sacramento through biweekly co-working sessions, cookouts, after-class hangouts, etc. What is significant about this group of friends is that we are not afraid to cross-examine our standings on existing issues, since it is difficult to be apolitical in a politically active environment, around politically savvy people. 

What resulted from our mindful interactions are two things. First, it becomes clear to me that the natural state of existence is movement (not idleness). Subsequently, it is particularly important to find a home for my consciousness. It is through an attempt to seek shelter beyond the geographical mean that I can continue advancing mindfully. This ability to feel at home regardless of the physical circumstance is what I believe to be vital in overcoming hardships, regardless of how the challenge might appear to be novel at first glance. Secondly, it is the functioning toward the goal which is important, and everything else—including the goal itself—becomes secondary [2]. When applying it to my current scenario of my willingness to make sense of the world being distorted due to setbacks, the second lesson seems paradoxical since it seems impossible to dart toward a goal due to the degradation of my ability to set clear objectives. Yet the relativity of journey and destination benefits me in this case, and it could be the beginning of another Sisyphean attempt to be part of the knowledge creation process, where the path to the destination is not a straight one, but in a spiral-shaped trajectory with many setbacks. But before I start this journey again, my first objective is to regain my ability to set objectives amid the chaos of existence, the exogenous factors that disallow me to realize my connection with the world historically, contemporarily, and subsequently.  As a conscious being, I exist in response to my surroundings, so I cannot know myself without knowing them first [3]. Therefore, for this journey to begin (or continue), I will need to regain my ability to determine objectives while being on the move, to know where to seek shelter when it is time to go home, and to identify and manage the impact of exogenous factors in good faith.

This reflection occurred during a sensitive time when it was in my best interest not to self-sabotage and deprive myself of an opportunity to access the research environment. It is a reminder that this existential crisis I face now and similar episodes in the future are not a descent into insanity, but a reminder of the chaotic and dynamic nature of being. It is a representation of life's unpredictable nature that denies many people a direct path to meaning creation. Yet it is also this contingency where fulfilment can be created. I am Sisyphus, and "[o]ne must imagine Sisyphus happy" [4].

1. Kierkegaard S, Thomte R, Anderson AB. Kierkegaard’s Writings, VIII: The Concept of Anxiety: A Simple Psychologically Orienting Deliberation on the Dogmatic Issue of Hereditary Sin. Princeton University Press; 2013.*

2. Usher S, Thompson H. Hunter S. Thompson to Hume Logan. In: Letters of Note. Canongate Unbound; 2013.

3. Frankfurt HG. On Bullshit. Princeton University Press; 2005.**

4. Camus A. The Myth of Sisyphus. H. Hamilton; 1955.

* I am not well-versed in Christian thoughts, so my interpretation might not be completely correct. 

** Frankfurt's work is on a different topic. However, the ending of his book on the implications of human natures being "insubstantial" and "less stable and less inherent than the natures of other things" on sincerity inspired the portion

Life is undoubtedly getting harder following my graduation. I found myself struggling to find a sense of belonging. I find that familiar things become unfamiliar, but unsure if it is caused by the dynamism of reality or simply that I have grown out of that state of existing. In an attempt to tender my memories, I decide to take a hop to Singapore over the weekend. As the aimlessness slowly consumed me, I arrived with the expectation of feeling othered. Yet, I once again feel myself embraced by the people who were once my hallmates at KE7—just like how I remembered. While I could not turn back the clock and be a resident staying in room C104, this short excursion has allowed me to once again reconnect with my past and undoubtedly alleviated my impostor syndrome. Of course, these gestures of hospitality that I wish to return in favor of if they ever visit the United States West Coast.